Sugar

Beautiful Original Northwood Home for sale

2011-05-12T15:23:00.000-04:00

So - for a lot of reasons, none of which have to do with how incredibly awesome this house and the neighborhood are, my wife and I have moved back to our old house and put this one up for sale.

It's seriously someone's very lucky day. And if you know my wife, you'll know why.

She's utterly meticulous. And she over saw everything that was done on this house.

Three years ago it went through a sizable renovation. It got a new kitchen (Corian countertops, Jennair stove), the bathrooms were updated (including a hand held shower in the basement bathroom that's very handy for washing dogs), new appliances (everything energy star), new furnace, water heater, gutters, refinished floors, fireplace doors, new fancy fireplace thingy that closes at the top and saves energy, even custom made window well covers. The yard has lovely and low maintenance landscaping. The energy costs are extremely reasonable (never over $300).

And Original Northwood is a great place to live. It's very GLBT friendly, it's a great mix of families with kids that play together, single people and couples. It's also one of the most racially mixed neighborhoods in the city. It's 2 minutes from Morgan State, 7 minutes from Hampden, 15 minutes from Penn Station, and 10 minutes from Hamilton. The community association is active and effective - they even brought in people to get the streets cleared during the big blizzard.

The house has three bedrooms, a small, well designed kitchen, two full baths (2nd floor and basement), living room, dining room, little front porch, flagstone patio, one car detached garage.

It's on the market for $259,900.

Interested? Know someone who might be looking? Check out the official listing here - and please pass it on:

http://homes.longandfoster.com/Real-Estate/PropertyDetails.aspx?mlsCompanyID=2&mlsNumber=BA7572457

Stop Discrimination on Gender Identity

2011-03-24T12:07:00.003-04:00

This year the Maryland legislature is considering a bill that would outlaw some discrimination due to gender identity.

There's been a lot of fuss about this bill.

Why?

Well, first of all, it is totally legal to discriminate against people because of their gender identity in most of the state (certain municipalities, including Baltimore City have laws which prohibit this discrimination). In other words, a person can be fired, denied employment or housing because they are transgender or because their gender doesn't conform with another person's idea of an "appropriate" gender presentation.

Which is absurd.

Several years ago, Maryland passed a law which added sexual orientation to the non discrimination law. The non discrimination law includes: housing, employment, credit and public accommodations. Gender identity should have been included then. It wasn't. And now we're having to fight to get it added. Last year, and the year before advocates tried to add gender identity to the overall non-discrimination law and failed. The law failed because the antis launched a campaign focused primarily on the public accommodations section - particularly the part of public accommodations that addresses bathrooms. The campaign was fear based, focusing on mythical male predators putting on dresses and raping women and children in bathrooms. For some reason, legislators found this specious argument compelling and the bill never left committee.

This year, advocates decided to try a different tact. A bill (HB 235) was introduced that would prohibit discrimination in housing, employment and credit. Public accommodations were excluded from the bill. So, although this bill would add many protections, it would continue to allow discrimination in extremely critical areas - including hotels, restaurants and yes, bathrooms.

The bill is far from perfect. Discrimination in public accommodations is intolerable. But, politics is ugly. We in Maryland did not stand up for our trans community when we should have. And now we're trying to clean up the mess. Our politicians don't have the hutzpah to stand up and do what's right and pass a comprehensive bill, but it looks like we may be able to get them to pass a bill that offers some protection. And I think they should do it. If this bill passes, and I hope it will, it's only a starting point. An important starting point.

So please, take a moment and call your delegate and ask them to support HB 235.

And yes, we'll be back for more until trans people in Maryland have the same protections as everyone else. No one should fear or experience discrimination for their religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, ability or disability. It's wrong. And, although I sound like a country song when I say it, it's un-American.

There are some people who do not support the bill because it doesn't include public accommodations. There are good reasons for that stance. We, as the Maryland LGBT community, have marginalized, silenced and ignored our trans community(ies) for years. All of us, regardless of gender identity deserve comprehensive protection. People are angry. I'm angry too. And I believe the analysis that we cannot get a comprehensive bill passed this year, that prohibiting some discriminations will empower our communities, and give us stronger footing for the next bite at the apple.

Imperfect as it is, we need to pass HB 235

Click here to find your delegate's phone numbers. And please, make that call today.

the war on women.

2011-02-18T15:15:00.004-05:00

The Republicans just eliminated Title X. And also banned Planned Parenthood from receiving any federal funding.

The mind reels.

Title X is one of the most cost effective programs the federal government has. Funds are allocated to the states. The state health departments then distribute these funds through a grant application process to non-profit health centers and local health departments. The health centers then are able to provide sliding fee scale reproductive health care services to women and teenage girls.

The services fund STI testing and treatment, pap smears, breast exams and help pay for birth control.

Title X services have helped prevent millions of pregnancies, and save the medicaid system millions of dollars.

According to a study done by the Guttmacher Institute:

National family planning programs prevents 1.94 million unintended pregnancies, including almost 400,000 teen pregnancies, each year. These pregnancies would result in 860,000 unintended births, 810,000 abortions and 270,000 miscarriages, according to a new Guttmacher Institute report.
Absent publicly funded family planning services, the U.S. abortion rate would be nearly two-thirds higher than it currently is, and nearly twice as high among poor women.

Publicly funded family planning services are highly cost-effective. More than nine in 10 women receiving them would be eligible for Medicaid-funded prenatal, delivery and postpartum care services if they became pregnant. Avoiding the significant costs associated with these unintended births saves taxpayers $4 for every $1 spent on family planning.
Guttmacher Institute February 24, 2009

The death of Title X is not assured. The bill will have to go through reconciliation with the Senate and then to the President.

Ending Title X would be a disaster for our nation. The people behind this movement, while claiming to take this action to work against abortion are instead bringing on a national health crisis. They say that Planned Parenthood uses Title X funds to indirectly support their abortion practice. I can tell you with certainty, that's not true. If anything, the abortion practice helps to subsidize additional reproductive health services for women. Planned Parenthood is one of the finest health care providers in the nation, and the largest single provider of reproductive health care in the United States.

Where will these millions of women turn for reproductive health care? How many cases of breast cancer will go undiagnosed? How many case of cervical cancer will not be prevented? Or be missed? How many young women will avoid accessing birth control because they can't afford a doctor's visit? And how many of these same women will end up pregnant?

All in the name of what? Bias against Planned Parenthood. Bias against abortion and the freedom to choose abortion. Bias against birth control. Bias against women.

Call your Senator now and tell them to stop this atrocity.

Porn. The scarlet P

2011-01-21T22:50:00.004-05:00

Last Fall, student organizers at Oregon State University approached author, educator and award winning pornographer, Tristan Taormino to provide a keynote presentation at a conference called Modern Sex: Privilege, Communication, and Culture Conference.

Choosing Tristan to speak at this conference makes sense. She is one of the leading sex educators in the country. She has spoken at multiple colleges and universities, including Yale and Harvard. She wrote a column in the Village Voice for ten years. She has won multiple AVN Awards and Feminist Porn Awards. She is smart, insightful and well connected. She is able to discuss sex and sexuality from multiple perspectives - especially those related to how we communicate about sex.

This week, after tickets to the event had been purchased, and while her contract was going through the final signing process, she was disinvited from the event. The explanation was as follows:

Organizers of the upcoming Modern Sex Conference at OSU recently sought approval to bring in a speaker for that event by presenting a partial description of the speaker in question as a writer and sex advice columnist. However, as arrangements were being made to complete the contract for the speaker, it became clear to those providing taxpayer funding for the conference that the speaker, in fact, is also a self-described pornographer with a significant online business in video pornography and related material. A decision was made by Student Affairs leadership that using public funds to cover a speaking fee and travel expenses for the speaker constituted an inappropriate use of those funds, and the speaker’s appearance was thus cancelled.

Travel costs already incurred by the speaker in preparation for her appearance at the university will be reimbursed.

The statement isn't exactly correct - the approval process was started last fall. And, although I have no idea what the students at OSU wrote on their forms, Tristan has never hidden the part of her job that includes pornography. Its part and parcel of what she does.

So what is this really about?

OSU has a right to decide how to spend their money. That's part of how they exercise free speech. As a public institution, they have to answer for how they spend their money, not just to a board, but to the legislature. This conference is being paid for with general funds. In other words, with tax payer money. Frequently, this issue is avoided when controversial speakers are brought to campus by paying for these speakers with student fee funds. This money belongs to the students and is not allocated to the institution from the legislature. When I have taught at public universities, it was these funds which were used to pay me.

Paying for things with student money, makes it easier. But why is it necessary? Would a public insititution balk at bringing in an anti-pornography activist and paying for that person with public money? I doubt it.

What is it about someone participating in pornography that causes an administration to back off?

It's fear.

Right now, our politicians are living in fear. Creating it. Selling it. Manipulating it.

State budgets are tight all across the country. And it is extremely possible that a state legislature would use something like this as an excuse to slash the university budget.

The actions of the university are understandable. But they are not excusable.

As an institution of higher learning it is the responsibility of the administration to provide it's students with access to multiple perspectives. Especially perspectives that may be controversial. Listening to people with whom one disagrees, working to understand different perspectives is a critical part of a good, solid education. Learning how to listen to an argument, compare it to your own experiences, academic knowledge and personal values and synthesize a well thought out opinion is how we become active, useful members of a democratic society. Stifling debate or access to opinion is the death knell of a healthy culture.

How is one to have a legitimate and comprehensive discussion about sex and communication in the United States without including some discussion of pornography? Like it or not, it's part of the fabric of our sexuality. And it's legal.

And why was it ok to include the author of "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women", but not the director of "The Expert Guide to Fellatio". Why does the act of putting something on HD change who someone is? It's non-sensical.

OSUs decision to exclude Tristan Taormino from their campus is to the detriment of their community and to their academic credentials. I sincerely hope that they find some back bone and revisit their decision.

MiMi (or the pebble) review

2011-01-12T17:13:00.006-05:00

Recently we got to review JeJoue's newest toy: the Mimi.

And it gets a double thumbs up. Here's our video review - and for those of you who prefer to read their reviews - skip to below the video and keep reading!

The MiMi is a great, simple, elegant, moderately priced, rechargeable toy from JeJoue.

It has a no fuss, pebble-like shape (as the one of the folks from Milwaukee's fabulous Tool Shed pointed out) that is great for clitoral stimulation, teasing the entrance to the vagina, tucking into a Spare Parts harness, cupping against the perineum behind the scrotum or trailing across nipples.

It comes with five levels of vibration and then five patterns. The highest vibe setting is comparable in intensity to that of Lelo's Siri, but it has a frequency that is not as thumpy - more in the mid to slightly over the mid range in frequency.

It's waterproof and comes with a magnetic charger - so no prongs to break off!

Overall, at $80 you just can't beat this toy - the controls are easy to use. It didn't get hot with use and seems to be holding a charge well.

Sometimes, simple is where you need to be!

sex bloggers and calendars oh my!

2010-10-02T20:14:00.004-04:00

Friday morning we drove thru the pouring rain - let me be clear - this wasn't just pouring it was torrential. It was the dog refuses to go outside torrential. Can't see very far ahead torrential. In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised to see actual cats and dogs falling from the sky. Traumatized, but not surprised. But we made it to New York in good time. Ran some NY errands, grabbed an extremely yummy lunch (macaroni and cheese with spinach and roasted chicken? yeah, i'd like some more please), laid down for a few minutes and got ready for the party.

We hopped on the subway and went off to the party.

Each year since 2008 (or so) the NY Sex Blogger Calendar has been released. I'll let them tell you all about it:

The NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar seeks to bring the sex-positive community together in a fun and interactive way that results in the funding of sex-positive organizations. We believe that sexual freedom is a basic human right and we hope that our calendar succeeds in spreading that idea far and wide.The benefactor chosen for 2011 is Woodhull Freedom Foundation - Affirming Sexual Freedom as a Fundamental Human Right.

Each year to celebrate the new calendar they have a party featuring the calendar models, vendors and sponsors and anyone else who wants to go. AND, there are gift bags. With good stuff. Including, stuff from Sugar. This year it was Nasty Bands!

We showed up early to add Sugar's contribution to the gift bags. Which involved me crawling on the floor. In a tiny dress and high heels. And managing to not flash anyone. Because my mama raised me right. S (who's a smidge smaller than me) crawled to the banquette at the back and loaded those bags. It didn't take long til we were seated with a drink and looking around.

And the eye candy was good.

Women in latex, women in corsets. Men in suits. Men in leather. Gender queer folks in all kinds of deliciousness. So we started mingling. Which, by the way, I hate. Talking to strangers is one of my least favorite activities of all times. Customers - awesome - we have something specific to discuss. Friends of friend - good - again something in common. But, simply showing up at a sex bloggers calendar party seemed a little thin. But I took a deep breath, gripped S's hand and dove in. In short order, I found nice strangers and people I already knew. Yay for the folks I already knew!

Jamye Waxman is one of m favorite people ever - we worked together at Babeland 10 years ago. She's good people. And she's fun.

Then I started to see folks that I sort of recognized. Because we follow each other on Twitter. So I see little teensy avatars of them all day long. It was fun to meet those folks in real life! Soon, S and I were having fun.

At one point I followed S outside so she could take a work call and spent several minutes being deeply amused.

Standing around in front of the bar were an assortment of folks dressed in manner that was likely to attract attention even in NYC. People walked by and did double takes. It takes a lot to get a New Yorker to do a double take. Then the majority of men did a triple take, stopped mid stride and turned to stare. Because Nina Hartley was standing outside doing an interview. The men would then strain a bit closer, as if checking that what they were seeing was real. I saw a few even rub their eyes. Then they would grab their phones and start texting. Immediately followed by pacing back and forth as they tried to figure out how to politely ask for a picture. I was impressed. Seeing a porn star on the street isn't something that happens every day. So, a double take is appropriate. But what I was really impressed with was the level of politeness I saw each and every one of these men exhibit. Respectful distance. Asking before taking a photograph. Someone raised these men right. I think it also speaks to how Nina has built her career. She has always been outspoken and articulate. Clear that for her this is a career of choice and of passion. She unfailingly treats her fans with respect and kindness and receives the same in return. And may I add, for anyone of you who thinks that aging means less sexiness. This woman stopping men in their tracks - she's over 50. And hot as hell.

After S was done with her work call, we went back in and she stood by graciously while I talked shop with the folks from Njoy, For Your Nymphomation and Sliquid. We saw tribal belly dancing from Luna, Carol Queen spoke, ran into Megan Andelloux - an awesome sex educator and then S and I decided to take each other to dinner.

If you're up for a not cheap but not utterly absurdly priced dinner may I strongly recommend Dressler in Brooklyn. Oh my god - little mouth orgasms with every bite! Then we grabbed a cab home and were in bed by 11. Perfect evening.

A huge thank you to Tied Up Events for putting together such an awesome party!

And - we'll have calendars for sale at the store shortly!

2011 Calendar models include:
Bad Bad Girl,
Brandon B,
Coy Pink,
Dangerous Lilly,
Essin’ Em,
Gloria Brame,
Jiz Lee,
Lillith Grey,
Luna,
Matthew Lawrence,
Max Lagos,
Mollena Williams,
Nina Hartley,
Radical Vixen,
Sadie Smythe and
Sovereign Syre.

Into the Woods Part 3 - in which my heart breaks a little

2010-09-09T12:07:00.005-04:00

The light was golden. Watermelons were stacked around the trees. Women sat on hay bales and camp chairs or leaned against trees eating their (vegetarian with ingredients carefully posted in order to care for people with food allergies) dinners. It was Friday evening at Michigan.

A small group was gathering around two women wearing Transexual Menace t-shirts who were passing out info. Something shifted in the air. I perked up. I wanted to talk to these women. And I wanted a t-shirt.

The women wearing the shirts were passing out fliers about trans inclusion in the festival. One woman was Riki Wilchins, who's kind of a big deal in trans activism. I was excited to hear what she had to say. The other was a woman named Kris. She had been identified male at birth and had not had any medical interventions that would have changed her appearance. If someone made assumptions about her gender, they would likely have assumed that she was a very feminine young man. But that's not how she thought of herself. And frankly, that's not how she felt. For me, every gender falls somewhere on the color spectrum of energy. I can't define it, it's not rational, it's intangible. It's about my gut. And my gut told me that this young woman belonged on the land. That she was a woman born woman. A woman who was not socialized as a woman. A woman with genitals different than mine. But genitals are as different as snowflakes. She was a woman. Who was also fragile, tentative, brave and young. A woman who people were suddenly not being nice to.

My hackles were up.

Within a few minutes, women were yelling at each other. Some supporting Riki and Kris, others horrified that these women were on our land. After about 15 minutes, a worker appeared and stopped the yelling.

"This is Michigan, and if we're going to talk about this, we're doing it the Michigan way. If you want to discuss this, go under the kitchen tent. We'll put together a speaker's list and we'll pass a talking stick."

Yes, there was a talking stick. At least I think there was. Maybe it was just a psychic talking stick.

There was yelling, there was crying, there was a lot of sharing feelings, fear, prejudice, hate, honesty. It was raw. And terrifying. I'd never seen this at Michigan before. I'd heard about it. A few years before this, Tribe 8 simulated assaulting an abuser on stage. This resulted in a massive hue and cry and processing meetings for the rest of the week. Tribe 8 now had appeared on the night stage. Women had protested other women walking around wearing their consensually acquired bruises, now no one seemed to care. There was a time when the only dildos sold in the crafts areas looked like vegetables or dolphins. Now, at least half looked like penises. Change happens. But it can be slow. And painful. I knew that this discussion was important. That it was part of a process. But that didn't make it any less awful.

When it was my turn to speak I'm pretty sure I sounded like an idiot. Like an over emotional idiot. I'm not bad at speaking in public. I used to act in community and school theater, I'd worked as a lobbyist in the Minnesota legislature. With other women, I'd led public ritual. I'd been a local organizer for It's Time Minnesota that passed a trans inclusive non discrimination law. I'd spoken on college campuses on GLBT issues and military aid to El Salvador. Saying something about why all women should be welcome on this land shouldn't have been hard. But it was. I was crying before the first sentence was out of my mouth.

I was bullied pretty severely in elementary school. That experience gave me, a white girl from some heavy privilege, a hard lesson in being other. It has deeply colored the way that I look at the world. I'm almost grateful for the experience. But perhaps I could have learned that lesson in a less scarring manner. When I see someone who wants to be a part of a community, who sees themselves as part of that community, being ignored and marginalized, or worse, those scars reopen. With rage and shame and violent visceral pain.

I think I said something about what it was like as a bisexual woman with a husband in womyn's space. And something about how these women were women who belonged here. I can still see what I saw in that yellow and white striped tent. I can feel the tears on my face, the pain in my belly. The sights, the senses, the emotions are more clear than the words.

Other women spoke. For many women it came down to genitals. This land was somewhere that they didn't want to see real live penises. Some women didn't believe that anyone could really be transgendered. Some women said trans women post surgery were welcome. Others explained that access to surgery is a class issue - that not all women could afford surgery.

Finally, we were all talked out.

Riki and Kris decided to go back to Camp Trans. They weren't feeling like they wanted to stay on the land. Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay on the land either. A small group of us walked them out to the gate. Then I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up, broke down my tent and went home.

I still think about Kris and wonder how she's doing. She was such a sweet person. And I ache that my people caused her pain in a space where she should have been welcomed and celebrated.

Into the Woods - my first MichFest

2010-08-14T14:18:00.006-04:00

** August 1997

I was white knuckling it down a dirt road. I knew there was going to be a dirt road. I just hadn't realized it would be this long. And I was on a rather heavy motorcycle. I was riding my husband's CB 1000. My bike was a 1982 Kawasaki CSR 750 - and it was on it's last legs, so James had graciously lent me his bike. I had over 1000 miles at my back, two miles to go and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it.

Finally, the gate appeared. Women waved, grining broadly with smiles of raw happiness, the skin on their faces relaxed across their bones with a freedom I'd never seen. It was as if the world had melted off their shoulders. My eyes were big. My face was not relaxed. Not yet. They said, "Welcome Home!".

Sarah and I were directed to park our bikes in a field of tall grass while we purchased our tickets. I looked at these women like they were crazy. Have you ever tried to park a heavy motorcycle in a field of tall grass? That slopes upwards? After three miles of dirt road and driving since dawn?

I started to protest. And learned my first Michigan lesson. There are rules. And you will follow them. So I parked in the tall grass, pushed a crumpled can under my kick stand and prayed that my bike wouldn't fall over.

After we had parked in motorcycle parking (a different part of the big field, but flat and equipped with hard things to put under your kick stand), unloaded our crap, signed up for our workshifts, and picked up our programs we loaded onto a flat bed pulled by a tractor and headed into the land. There were women everywhere. But no time to look around. Light was fading and we needed to get our tents up while we could still see.

After much dragging things down wood chipped paths, following M & R who had been to fest before, we set up camp. In the dark. And promptly passed out.

The next day, we awoke to rain. Luckily, since we had come on motorcycles, I had a rain suit and headed off to my intensive goddess workshop with Ruth Barrett. It was raining so hard, they moved the workshop under the kitchen serving tent. I sat shyly at the back with my head spinning. No one here thought it odd that I was a witch. Or dianic. The word "person" or "people" was gone from the language. It had been replaced by women (or womyn, or wimmin or...). It was as though I'd crossed a great divide into a mystical place. I was in Avalon.

I think that night we went and watched a movie. I know that night I returned to my Target tent to find a river inside. Literally everything was soaked. A boat could have floated in my sleeping bag. I could have used a boat.

I slept sitting up. In my rain suit. And leather jacket. And Sarah's leather jacket. Sarah offered for me to sleep in her (dry) tent with her. But I have a pride problem. And an accepting help problem. It's still a problem now, but it was ginormous when I was 25. Today, I would have been knocking on Sarah's tent and telling her to scoot over.

The next morning I walked out to the phones, called my husband and cried. I had it together til I heard his voice.

J - "Hello?" (pre caller ID)

Me - "Hi" (sniff, sniff)

J - "How's it going?"

Me - "I'm all wet, the tent leaked, it's raining, and cold and....(sobs) If it doesn't get better I'm coming home (more tears)"

J - "Ok, talk to Sarah, see if there's something you can do to fix your tent, and know you can always come home ok?

Me - (sniff) "Ok"

J - "Have fun, let me know what happens"

Me - "Ok" (sniff)

Which is where R found me, helped me collect all of my wet stuff, poured me into her car and drove me to a laundromat in town where we dried everything, had ice cream and bought about 17 tarps. Ok, it was more like four.

After working my kitchen shift, and for aforementioned pride reasons turning down the help of an astonishingly handsome woman, I tarped inside my tent, under my tent, over the tent. Hell, I tarped everything I could see. I spent the rest of the week asking people if their tents leaked. And collecting data on which brands remained dry (Mountain Hardware and Marmot were the leading non-leakers)

Wednesday night was the opening ceremony. Thousands of women sat in front of the night stage. Thousands of women sang and danced as we celebrated the festival. We rose as Amazon Women. It was magic.

I spent much of the next several days walking around in a daze. My eyes filled with the astonishing diversity of women. I'd been terrified I'd be too fat and embarrassed to shower (a result of highly disordered body image). I was wrong. There were plenty of women bigger than me. And proud and sexy in their bodies. There were women with beards and dresses driving the town tractor (it's michigan's public transportation system - there is a separate system for women with mobility related disabilities - it's goes more places), young women, older women, women wearing skirts with no tops and breast feeding babies, little girls and boys (up to age 4) playing, teen age girls running and whispering with their friends. Handsome butch women. Women in elaborate outfits. Naked women with chairs over their arms and shoes on their feet. Women who literally set up pickets fences around their tent sites. My head spun. I made a mental note to bring make up and cuter outfits the next time I came. And I smiled. When I called home there were no tears. Just excitement and laughter.

At the night stage that year, Tribe 8 played. And it was incredible. The sign language interpreter was fierce. And did costume changes. At one point she was on stage in boots and a modified white wedding dress turning ASL into punk rock. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Which is saying something because Lynn Breedlove is hot. Tribe 8 was amazing. But what changed my life was the mosh pit. I dove in and it smelled good. This never happens in mosh pits. When someone fell, there were many hands helping her up, when I coughed, a woman turned and handed me a cough drop. I felt safe in a way that I'd never felt before. We were all taking care of each other. Flinging our bodies with abandon, dancing, pulsing, soaring with delight, energy and healing. Our power rose above us, almost shining in the night sky. When I walked away from the concert my voice was gone, I was covered in the sweat of women. And filled with a bone deep peace and joy.

A few days later we left the land, exhausted. It took hours for my eyes to readjust to the world. A world with men. I felt disoriented.

When I got home, dirty, tired and road buzzed my husband was waiting. With a hug and a massage table set up. He wrapped me in Dead Sea mud, gave me a massage and poured me into bed. Being back in the world with men wasn't so bad. Not with men

I left my michigan wristband on for a week. And dreamed of the woods

Into the Woods - part 1 in which i discover michfest

2010-08-13T14:37:00.002-04:00

Since 1997, I've been going to Michfest. In fact, when I say I'm going to Michigan, I almost never mean just the state, I mean that I'm going to the largest and oldest womyn only music festival in the country.

Let's talk about the womyn only thing. Because I know some of you are wondering why I'd go to a single gendered space. And because Michigan has frequently been accused of transphobia. In some cases rightly accused.

Here's my perspective.

As a young feminist I found womyn only space through Dianic Wiccan communities. I learned about lesbian separatism from reading Mary Daly. I learned about other separatisms from reading theories of the Black Panthers and early Malcom X. Separatism made sense to me. It still does.

The concept of separatism is that oppression is built into the very fabric of our culture. And that by continuing to participate in the culture in any form, you feed the oppression, even by fighting it. So some women (or wimmin or womyn or...) chose to step outside and create a separate world. In some cases womyn created separate communities in which they lived 365 days a year. Some created womyn's religions in which femininity in all of it's diversity(s) is celebrated but men and boys were not welcome. Some created space that was womyn only for a period of time. Michigan is one of the later spaces.

Michfest was founded in 1976. By the 1980s the festival had moved to a 600+ acre of land in rural Michigan and it's been on The Land ever since. Every year in July womyn arrive on the land and create an environment for a week long festival. They lay pipe for the showers. They lay upside down carpet for wheel chair accessible paths. They put up signs for designated camping areas. They put up the stage and lights and audio for Night Stage. They ready the fire pit to cook for thousands of women.

I first heard about MichFest in the early 90s when I was living in Minnesota. I'd already learned that being in womyn only space was something that I needed. It was a place where I felt safe. Where I could heal from the damage that I experienced as a woman walking around in the patriarchy. Because the patriarchy fucking hurts. Especially as a young woman.

Women only space wasn't a paradise. It had problems just like the rest of the world. We carried our petty politics, our prejudices, our inappropriate behaviors, our humanity right on in. But there was an intentionality and safety that fed me. That I needed.

So one year my best friend and I got on our motorcycles and accompanied by two members of our coven (yes i said coven - our Dianic Wiccan coven where no, we did not eat small children) who drove a car we called the rolling tank bag we all drove north through Minnesota, up through Canada and down through Michigan to Hart and The Land. My life has literally never been the same.

I drove into a world which wasn't perfect. But it was beautiful.

Karma Pervs - porn for a good cause!

2010-05-29T11:36:00.006-04:00

One of Sugar's favorite porn stars, Jiz Lee, has started a new membership based porn site - Karma Pervs.

It's hot shots of Jiz with guest appearances from some of the most smoking performers in porn right now (in the upcoming months look for Jiz Lee in the sequel to Tristan Taormino's new Rough Sex and Tristan's new Vivid Ed movie!)

So - sexy folks. In compromising positions. Giving you the images to get you off. And all of the money goes to charity.

Seriously, what's better than that?!

And - right now, all members are entered in a drawing for a brand new WeVibe2 from Sugar! So go spend your $7.99 a month, get a chance to win a new toy, and see some of the hottest porn on the web while you make the world a better place.

Yum.

See what Fleshbot has to say about Karma Pervs!

And yes, that pic is just a taste of what you get on Karma Pervs....

Lube & anal sex - does it increase the risk of infection?!

2010-05-26T15:25:00.002-04:00

Two new studies were released at the 2010 International Microbicides Conference yesterday.

And the results of those studies were disturbing.

They found that people who used lube for anal intercourse were at greater risk of STI infection than those who did not. This was true even when other risk factors, including condom usage were controlled for.

WHAT?!!! This goes against everything my little safer sex heart has ever been told.

But if you drill down a little deeper, it starts to make sense.

You see, the one thing they didn't control for was what kind of lube was used.

So they did some tests with lube and cells in a lab. And, surprise, some lube is bad for ass cells.

They tested the six lubes most often used by the participants in the anal sex study (scroll to the end for ingredients lists):

Astroglide (they don't state which Astroglyde so I'm going to bet it was the glycerin version)

Elbow Grease (again - don't know what version)

ID Glide

KY Jelly

PRÉ (not used by the participants in the original study but chosen because it is different than the other lubes in a key way)

Wet Platinum (silicone - which also means it's glycerin free)

The studies found that when lube was used transmission of STIs doubled (11.7% of lube users were positive for an STI versus 4.5% of those not using lube). That's right. Double. (original study abstract, press release on original and follow up study abstract here) The STIs tested for were Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. No conclusions about HIV transmission was reached in this study.

What's also scary is that 24% of folks didn't use lube. And while they apparently were at less risk of STIs as a result, they were at increased risk of anal tearing and other unpleasant things.

So the folks who did the study did some more research. Lube smooths things out. It reduces tearing and abrasion. Why was it increasing transmission of disease? It didn't make sense. But when they started looking at the lubricant and how it acts on anal cells (vaginal and cervical cells were also included), things became more clear.

many of the products contain higher amounts of dissolved salts and sugars compared to what’s normally found in a cell. As a result, the products had toxic effects on the cells and rectal tissue studied. Some of the lubricants caused significant portions of the epithelium – the layer of cells that serves as a protective barrier inside the rectum – to be stripped away.*

So, it looked like it was possible that it was the composition of the lube that was the problem, not lube in general. What was the lube doing?

Astroglide, KY, Elbow Grease and ID Glide all resulted in cell death ( Astroglide was most toxic to cells and tissues). The cell death occured because these lubricants are hyperosmolar - they draw water out of cells which causes the cells to die.

For extra points, KY killed all of the bacteria it touched. Which is not good. Our anuses (anusi?) and vaginas have naturally occuring bacteria that keeps us healthy. Killing off all the bacteria can cause infection.

But PRE and Wet Platinum were not toxic and did not harm naturally occuring bacteria or cause cell death. Both of them were made of materials that are isomolar; they are made of stuff that doesn't draw water out of cells.

This study was done on cells in a lab. It doesn't prove that the same thing happens in the human body, but it does mean it's possible. Combined with the results of the study that found an increased risk of STIs with lube usage, it starts to appear that what kind of lube you use really matters.

What's the take home message?

Use better lube. Continue to use lube with anal intercourse and other sexual activities, but use high quality lube. Read the ingredients. Avoid lubes with glycerin and salt.

And stay tuned. I'm betting this study will be followed up with more. And we'll finally get good information about how lube acts on our bodies. Which is good news. Because an informed consumer is a healthy and happy consumer.

Ingredients

Astroglyde ingredients
Purified Water, Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Polyquaternium 15, Methylparaben, Propylparaben

Elbow Grease Original Ingredients
Acid, Di Water, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Paraffin, Peg-8, Sorbitan Stearate, Polysorbate-60, Stearic Stearyl Alcohol (and) Ceteareth-20, Cetyl Alcohol, Lanolin, Borax, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Imidazolidinyl Urea.

Elbow Grease Gel Ingredients
DI Water, Glycerin, Glycereth-26, Hydroxyethylecellulose, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Imidazolidinyl Urea

ID Glyde
Urea, Purified Water, Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Cellulose Polymer, Polyethylene Oxide, Sodium Benzoate, Methyl Paraben, Carbomer 981, Tetrahydroxypropyl Ethylenediamine, DiazolidinylEDTA

KY Jelly
Chlorhexidine Gluconate, Glucono Delta Lactone, Glycerin, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Methylparaben, Purified Water, Sodium Hydroxide

PRÉ ingredients
Purified Water, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Pluronic, Sodium Chloride, Sodium Phosphate, Carbomer, Methylparaben, Sodium Hydroxide, Arabinogalactan, Potassium Phosphate, Propylparaben.

Wet Platinum ingredients
Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Dimethiconol

*Use of Lubricants, Unprotected Anal Sex and the Risk of HIV, Press Briefing, 2010 Microbicides: Building Bridges in HIV Prevention

TSA response

2010-04-29T18:37:00.002-04:00

So here's the response that I got from the TSA to my email - am I wrong in reading it to say that by having an ID that doesn't completely match your appearance you're going to get extra scrutiny? i sent them another email asking if there is any documentation that could be provided to ease the process:

Thank you for your e-mail regarding the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) policy for screening transgender travelers.

TSA develops requirements and policies for the security of the Nation’s transportation systems. The primary purpose of passenger screening is to prevent or deter the introduction of deadly or dangerous items into an airport secured area or onboard an aircraft. TSA policies and procedures focus on ensuring that all passengers are treated with respect and courtesy and every Federal screener receives training on professional conduct. In addition, TSA’s Office of Civil Rights and Liberties ensures that TSA screens all traveling persons equally, without regard to a person’s race, color, national origin, religion, age, disability, sexual orientation, or gender.

Passengers may be directed for additional screening if the information on their identification (ID) does not match their appearance; if the name on their boarding pass does not match a valid, Government-issued ID; if their clothing is loose fitting or large enough to hide prohibited items; or if the Transportation Security Officer (TSO) cannot reasonably determine that clothing is free of any detectable threats. Passenger may also be chosen for additional screening on a random basis.

Passengers may wear whatever clothing they choose when approaching the screening checkpoint, but enhanced security measures require that all passengers remove outer coats and jackets for x-ray before proceeding through metal detectors. Passengers that alarm the metal detector will be required to undergo additional screening. Passengers directed for additional screening may undergo hand-wand screening and/or pat-down inspections. Passengers may request the screening be performed in a private screening area at anytime. TSOs are instructed to honor a passenger’s request.

If additional screening is merited, the transgender passenger will receive screening by a TSO of the same gender as what the passenger presents himself or herself to be. If a passenger chooses to have additional screening done in a private screening area, a traveling companion is permitted to accompany the passenger during the private screening. If the passenger refuses additional screening, they will be denied access to the secured area.

For more information on the screening process, we recommend that you visit our “For Travelers” section located on our website at www.tsa.gov. This information is updated periodically.

Thank you for contacting us.

TSA Contact Center

Best moment at the store ever.

2010-04-24T11:18:00.003-04:00

On Thursday afternoon, three women walked into the store.

Two of them had been here before, one of them was new to Sugar I remembered the two who had been here before. Both smart, articulate, funny women. I was happy to see them. They were looking around, talking about the toys. One picked up "The Multi-Orgasmic Man", sat down on the couch and started flipping thru the book. Piper Sue did her best to make the new woman feel comfortable. Primarily by following her around, asking for attention and licking any exposed skin.

I was working on a purchase order at the Cunt Wrap (sometimes called a cash wrap or a front desk), when I hear the strains of "I Sing the Body Electric" coming from the couch. Woman #3 joins in. So does Woman #2. And then me.

Next thing I know, there are four of standing around the ass table belting out the FAME classic.

In harmony. Good harmony.

It was like an episode of Glee. But in a sex toy store. Musical theatre and sex education. We may be on to something.

When we were done, I put on the Fame soundtrack and we sang a little bit more.

Now that. Is a good day.

The Body Electric, in addition to being a poem by Walt Whitman and a song from FAME is a school, founded by Joseph Kramer, that teaches erotic massage and encourages deeper mind, body, spirit connections thru sexual energy and touch.

It's referenced in The Multi Orgasmic Man.

IMsL 2010 part 2...in which i find boxes and have an In and Out Burger

2010-04-22T12:57:00.002-04:00

Friday morning, I woke up early, hung out for a minute with Marcia and her roommates, loaded up my rollie bag with stuff for the evening and the next day and set off for the hotel.

After caffinating and nicotine-ing, I was ready to start setting up the booth. A bunch of visits to the front desk and several phone calls to vendors later the hotel located all of my stuff and the table was set up. It looked pretty good. And on my trips back and forth from the front desk I heard some lovely cries coming from the dungeon. Nice. By 2 pm, vending was open. Things were pretty slow. Which left plenty of time for hopping up and down and hugging folks I hadn't seen in a while.

On my right was SORODZ a vendor with lots of hand made sensation play devices, especially lots of canes. Which meant that I got to watch folks testing canes and paddles all weekend! On my other side were Vanilla Cuffs and Collars, exquisite hand made chain mail jewelry and staffed by two lovely people that I knew from last year. Across the way was the Inverted Eye, subtly kinky items and discreet fetish antiques staffed by Alix, except he got sick, so staffed by friends of Alix, many of whom had been in the show on Thursday night. Down the way was Ms Martha's Corsets, where I proceeded to drool over the corset that I didn't buy last year.

By around 7:30 we wrapped up and I was on my way out the door for a decididly un-IMsL evening. One of my closest friends, M, lives in Marin County with her two teenagers. She was on her way to fetch me to spend the night at her house. So I changed out of my leather corset and leather skirt into a teen appropriate t-shirt and jeans and met M at the front of the hotel and we set off over the Bay Bridge, stopped at In and Out Burger for us and the kids (I picked up a cheeseburger, fries, chocolate shake and, for good measure, a diet coke) ending up at her new apartment, an adorable wood filled hideaway with a view of the mountain. We hung out, ate burgers, chatted, reviewed outfits with her daughter, said hi to her son (who was getting ready to attend a college open house the next day), watched San Francisco cable access (hysterical) and fell asleep. It was lovely. And a rare treat. I usually only get to see M once a year. We talk several times a week (daily if one of us is stressing), but an official siteing is something I really treasure. Early in the morning, she dropped me at the bus station for my trip back to the city, while she and her son headed off to college land.

The trip back into the city was beautiful. Spring in California is like spring no where else. It's green, lush, the sky is bluer, the sun is sunnier. It feels as if you opened your mouth wide enough you could take a bite. And it would taste like candy.

So I walked thru the sparkling spring back to the hotel for a day of classes, boot blacking and sex toy selling.

IMsL 2010 or in which i dither my way to San Francisco

2010-04-21T12:15:00.004-04:00

After much dithering, processing and number crunching it was decided that I would go vend at IMsL again this year. What's IMsL you say? Well, it stands for International Ms Leather. It also happens to be the International Ms Boot Black competition. What the hell is that you say? Is this a pageant for leather women? Yep. That's exactly what it is. And also not at all what it is. It's an event that starts off with a show featuring burlesque, drag and lap dancing from folks of various gender presentations, then a weekend of workshops, hot play in the dungeons, parties, seeing old friends, making new friends and the selection of the new IMsL and new IMsBB. The competitors have to go through and interview, the Boot Blacks boot black and are judged while doing so, and then there is a performance of a fantasy and onstage questions. Once the two title holders are selected, they will spend the next year representing part of the BDSM community at events across the country, even around the world. They will speak to the media, teach classes and techniques in the BDSM community, march in GLBT Pride Parades and in general, put a face on an under represented population.

Oh, and it's fun.

So, after getting three hours of sleep, I took my three full size bags, my back pack and my carry on in the jeep, kissed the dogs goodbye and headed for the airport. It was 4 am.

I got to the airport parking lot and realized that I hadn't thought this through. I had three full size bags. Which was fine, because I'd burned through some points and was flying first class. Which meant my bags could be plentiful and over weight. But, I couldn't pull three full size bags at once. So I tried. Although I'm six feet tall and rather strong, what I really needed was an extra arm. Suddenly, out of no where, a strange man and his wife appeared. And he helped me get in the elevator and out to the bus. Another stranger helped me get on the bus. I felt very Blanche DuBois. And grateful.

Once I got to the terminal I figured everything would be ok. I'd get one of those carts and carry everything to check in. After I dragged everything off the bus I looked around. Yep. The bus had left us off at the only point in the terminal that was not near any carts. And I'm one of those people that prefers to avoid being yelled at by the TSA, so I wasn't going to leave my bags to go get a cart. Because if I did, I was sure to come back and find them surrounded by cops and bomb sniffing dogs, with sex toys littered all around the sidewalk traumatizing young children and nuns, which would no doubt result in missing my flight. I was going to have to do this on my own.

Which I did. It wasn't pretty. It involved me lurching thru the terminal. Sweating. Swearing. And looking much like a slightly sleepy Quasimodo. But I made it. And gleefully went to the First Class line. You know that line of folks that you usually want to shoot because they whisk to the front? Uh huh. That was me. Bags checked in. Then I was told that I had to pay $100 for the third bag. Nice. The lady who helped my buy the ticket (or pay for the tickets with points) told me that it was free. But, arguing got me no where. Going through the First Class line in security did make me feel slightly better. My favorite part about flying First Class isn't the bigger seats or the free drinks. It's feeling like I'm getting away with something. Like I'm not supposed to be there. But they can't kick me out.

One latte later, I was on the plane. Where I found myself seated next to a super interesting economist who is a regular commentator on my local NPR station. We argued over who had the cooler job. It's him. For sure. HE'S ON NPR!!!! How cool is that?!

A plane change later I landed in San Fran, collected a baggage cart (much easier), got my bags, located the Super Shuttle and was off to the hotel - along with someone who had recently interviewed for a job in Baltimore, a few tourists and one of the other IMsL attendees. Because this world is teeny.

After dropping off the stuff for vending, I took my one bag with my clothes, my carry on and my back pack and set off for Marcia's where I would be spending the night. Last year I stayed at the hotel, but this year, I was cheap. And was crashing with a friend.

About 45 minutes later I got off the bus just four blocks from her house. And promptly started walking in the wrong direction. Luckily, I checked in with my iPhone, realized that the little blue dot was proceeding away from the red dot and turned around. Three blocks later I was walking up a hill that I swear to god was at a right angle. Well almost. There was more sweating and swearing. I got to the house, greeted my friend, hung out for about an hour and set back off to the hotel. Which involved eating a burito and getting lost. But thanks to the GPS on my iPhone (what the hell did we do before GPS?), I ended up back at the hotel only about 20 minutes late for my sound check. Luckily, they were running on drag time, or gay time, or leather time. You know that time that most of us run on but apologize for? Yeah. That time.

After a bit we did a quick tech check of my number and I was free to hang out for the next three hours. I flitted about hugging and greeting folks. Learned about making hemp rope from Lamilani (IMsL 2009). Learned about thread balls from someone else. Walked around wearing my Dark Odyssey name badge (it was the first badge I'd pulled out of my purse) and no one noticed. Bought eyelash glue. Smoked some cigarettes (as a shy person, smoking when I'm at events is very useful - makes me actually talk to strangers when I'd rather be hiding in a corner. and yes, i'm shy when I don't have a purpose. I can talk to a total stranger about their g-spot or take my clothes off on stage, but actually meeting new people? Makes me nervous). Then went back stage. And started to get ready.

This involved the highly dramatic application of false eyelashes. Usually this includes me sticking myself in the eye a few times. It's fun. Respectfully oggling the other incredibly sexy performers getting ready wasn't bad either.

After feeling utterly nauseous, it was my turn to perform. And it was fun. Except for the part when the song that played wasn't the song I'd practiced to. I had made a mash up of Ertha Kitt and Joan Jett singing "Let's Do It". But apparently the song I turned in was just the Ertha Kitt version. So, I punted. And almost cried a little when I got off stage. Oddly, people seemed to like it and didn't notice that anything was off at all. Perhaps that was the alcohol they'd consumed. Or my rather fabulously bootlicious ass. Which is what I shook when I got stuck.

It must not have sucked too much, because total strangers went out of their way to say they liked it.

The rest of the show was delightful. An awesome number with a woman in a rabbit costume. A hot fat girl who sat on a cake to the tune of "Hopelessly Devoted". A number by some folks from the Gender Justice Collective that involved a dog cage, some chains and awesome costumes. A hot sassy butch (and IMsBB 2008) did a sexy strip tease (more please). The finale was choreographed by Indigo Blue. It involved feather fans. And intricate rope bondage. And a surprise appearance by Lamilani. Yum.

After I changed back into street clothes and took off my lashes, I wandered up to the hospitality suite to hang out at the afterparty for a bit. I was there for less than 20 minutes before my off switch flipped and I became pretty much non-verbal and trundled off to find a cab back to Marcia's house (S had made it rather clear that my taking a bus late at night made her squirmy and nervous). I found the futon on which I was sleeping, dropped a blanket over me and passed out fully clothed. I had been up for about 26 hours. And needed to be up by 8. I fell asleep with visions of feather fans, leather chaps and over flowing corsets dancing in my head.

2010-04-03T12:02:00.002-04:00

I just sent an email to the TSA. I'm a bit concerned about how this whole body scan thing is going to play out for trans folks. And of course, I'm not the only person who's concerned (excellent list of travel tips). What really bothers me is that they don't have a specific policy. How hard would that be? Then everyone could know what to expect and abide by the policy. But now, airports can be scary places for trans folk. The last time my brother flew, even with a letter from his physician, a current driver's license and his passport (all with his birth name and gender), he got pulled out of line, patted down and his bags were searched. Presumably because of his gender(s). Of course, maybe he's on a watch list for something else, he is a bit of trouble maker....but we're presuming it's the gender. If we knew it was because he'd been photographed at a protest, I think he'd feel better about the getting singled out.

So here's the letter. Please forgive me for framing being transgender as a medical issue. I don't actually think about it that way. But I'm not above framing things in terms the bureaucrat on the other end will understand. And then give us what we want.

Email sent today below - let's see if I get a response this time. It's the second or third email I've sent the TSA of

I am requesting some assistance.

With the advent of the full body scanners, flying just got more nerve wracking for transgender individuals. After reviewing the website, especially the portion of the web site that regards persons with medical issues and/or disabilities, I have even more concerns. Transgender individuals are referenced no where (that I could find) on the TSA site.

Many of my friends and relatives who are transgendered have encountered increased difficulty in flying over the past year. It is common for transgender people to have legal names and genders that do not match their appearance. Even when supplying documentation from their physician, I know of multiple people that have been treated poorly while going thru security, including being taken out of line for a full search. Trans people often also wear prosthetics (breasts or penises) which will be visible on the body scan, increasing the likelihood of a flag.

Although I know that this a small part of the population, these are people with legitimate medical issues that cause their gender to be different from the gender which they were assigned at birth. I'm curious as to why there is no set standard for how these people are to be treated and what documentation they should provide so as to ease their way thru security like any other passenger. Even people who have legally changed the gender on their IDs may still be wearing prosthetics.

I have contacted you in the past with similar questions and have never received a response.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Jacquelyn Jones

Part Time Job Opening at Sugar

2010-03-22T19:20:00.003-04:00

Job Opening at Sugar

We're hiring!

If you are interested in a part time position at Sugar, please read on.

Application deadline - Friday, March 26th at Midnight

Seeking mission driven Sex Educators to work at Sugar, a lesbian owned, women and trans operated sex toy store in Hampden, Baltimore.

The hours available are: Sunday day, Monday day, Thursday evening, possibly occasional Tuesday evenings.

If you are interested in working at Sugar, please send a cover letter and resume to jacq@sugartheshop.com. The cover letter should discuss:

why your experience is relevant to working at Sugar
why you want to work at Sugar.

**Applications that do not include both of the above will not be considered**

Sex Educators are responsible for answering customers’ questions about products, sexual practices and anatomy and for providing customers with the information they need to make the purchases that are best meet their need. In addition, SEs run the cash register, stock the store, ensure that the store is clean and tidy at all times and perform other duties as assigned. These dutes may include: store decoration, workshop instruction and fulfillment of customers orders for shipping.

Required skills:

Computer literacy
Excellent customer service
Able to accurately work with money
Able to lift 50 pounds
Able to work evenings and weekends
Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities
Cultural competency with diverse communities
Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues
Commitment to a team environment
Commitment to Sugar's mission
A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred:

Previous experience in sexuality education, counseling, retail or customer service.

Sugar will provide Sex Educators with:

$11.50 an hour – eligible for $00.50 increase after two successful months
A commitment to a systems oriented work place.
A work place that is respectful and supportive.
A work place that is damn fun!

Sugar is a lesbian owned, women and trans operated, for profit mission driven sex toy store. By providing education and toys in a shame free, sex positive, fun environment we help people of all genders and orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion.

www.sugartheshop.com

Telephone, Gaga and addressing gender questions

2010-03-16T11:44:00.009-04:00

so.

telephone.

lady gaga.

yep.

the interwebs are buzzing.

because the video is:
a) transphobic
b) misogynist
c) racist
d) brilliant
e) derivative
f) a fashion orgasm
g) all of the above
h) some of the above

so. let's start at the beginning. with the part that i'm really interested in (you know, besides the fashion).

Lady Gaga enters the prison wearing a delightful outfit. That i would like to have. In my size of course. Which would make it even more impressive. She has one either side of her a butch prison guard wearing classic modern interpretations of prison guard sexploitation movie wear.

The prison population was really white. Like whitie mc whiterson white. Like white like my legs in January. Didn't get that. Maybe she didn't want to get accused of being racisist by depicting a lot of people of color in the prison? If that's the case, she went way too far in the other direction. The people of color were few enough as to appear tokenized. And apparently only women of color can also be women of size.

So, we've seen a bunch of hot white thin women in good shoes (was that Janine in the cell looking at Gaga with a mirror?) and the guards get Gaga to her cell. They then strip Gaga down to pasties, fishnets and some fabulous shoes. She climbs the cell, flashing her crotch at the camera. Her crotch is blurred. As the guards walk away, one says, "Guess she doesn't have a dick after all". The other guard says, "Too bad".

This is the part that folks from my world are really getting steamed about (the folks on Fox news? well, they're steamed about the whole thing. and playing it over and over while they complain. which leads me to believe the whole video is a good thing).

Since Lady Gaga burst on to the scene rumors about her gender have circulated. Which is culturally interesting and says nothing about her actual gender.

Why are these rumors there?

Because she's a strong, driven woman, with a clear sensibility for over the top performance that draws on glam rock, drag and couture - all areas that have strong GLBT influence. Oh, and she doesn't have a man around. In fact, she doesn't seem to be fucking anyone. Heaven forbid a woman should focus on her career and not need to have a relationship. She's making money. A lot of money. And she seems to be driving her career and her image herself (again, no man).

So she can't be a woman.

She must be a man.

You know, men are driven, choose to not be in relationships, have clear artistic vision, make lots of money and work their asses off. Yep. She's a man.

And if she's not a man, she's a trans woman. Cause that's just the same as being a man.

How far we haven't come sometimes astonishes me.

Trans women are women. And women can be strong, successful and driven people. And men? They can be successful in all of the ways that women can. Including priotizing relationships and family rather than careers. Does no one remember the lessons of Free to Be You and Me?!

At first Lady Gaga ignored the crap about her gender. Presumably because it was stupid. But eventually, she started to talk about it. Partially by coming out as someone who has a vagina (which of course says nothing about her being trans or not, but we'll send her to trans 101 class later). Partially by posing on the cover of a magazine packing. In tight leather pants. And now with her blurred, un gender identifiable crotch in this video (or by her blurred presumably clitoris and vagina containing crotch which is what many folks will take home from the shot).

The flash in no way confirms or denies anything about Ms Gaga's genitalia. Ever heard of tucking?

Some folks are saying that flashing her crotch, and the comments made by the guard indicates transphobia. Which it may. Or not.

Is claiming a "cis" gender necessarily transphobic? It depends on how one does it. Although it wasn't clear to me that she was confirming a gender, I suspect she was on several levels, including some of the costume choices later in the video.

People are frequently "accused" of being trans. It comes from a place rooted in transphobia and binary gender absolutism. And needs to be addressed in a way that's very different than when someone simply curious about a person's gender/history.

Responding to questions about one's gender takes careful thought and an understanding of what the person is asking. Is the person asking about gender or genitals? Are they coming from a place in which they define gender by genitals? Are they trying to assigning a gender because they will treat you differently based on your gender and/or transness? Are they doing it out of ignorance? Are they hoping you are part of their own community? Are they attracted to you and trying to figure out if that attraction jives with their conception of their sexual orientation? Or all of the above.

I don't think that Lady Gaga has been perfect in her response to those questioning her gender and her genitals. It's a challenging position to be in. I don't know how much education or exposure she's had to the trans community (presumably some, see aforementioned queer sensiblity and she did address the GLBT March on Washington last fall), or what education she has choosen to seek out. I'm reasonably educated and I've certainly fucked it up in the past, and I'm sure I'll fuck it up in the future. I'm not sure that flashing one's blurred genitals is the answer. I'm not sure it's not either. Because flashing one's crotch is considered rude. And sometimes a rude response to a rude question is the most appropriate.

I can almost hear someone saying, "You wanna know what's between my legs? Fine, mother fucker, I'll rub your face in it. Ooops, sorry, did that offend your precious sense of decorum?"

On to the guards.

I've heard a number of people (primarily other feminists and trans activists/allies) say that they identified the guards as trans women. Because they have broad shoulders and deep voices? Come on people! Haven't we come far enough to know that we shouldn't decide how people identify without asking them? The video does not identify much about these characters other than that they are tough butch prison guards with big tits and low voices, one of whom is attracted to women (Plenty of Fish dating website - hysterical) and one of whom who thinks it's too bad that Gaga doesn't have a dick (might even be the same one - I can't tell who's talking when). Let's not do to these characters what we don't want others doing to us. Or what people have done to Lady Gaga. These folks don't need to tells us what their gender(s) are. The video gave mixed signals about these folks (big tits, deep voice, ripped). Lots of women of different gender experience and different birth gender assignments share this characteristics. Shame on us for trying to read their gender through our own glasses.

Telephone isn't perfect, but when's the last time a music video actually made you think? Or discuss? Yeah, it's been a while. Points to her for that. And for the fashion.

I want the leather fringe shrug the girl in the cat fight was wearing.

Please.

Condoms - fit matters!

2010-02-16T13:37:00.003-05:00

A new study published in the journal, Sexually Transmitted Infections, found that a high percentage of men (44.7%) studied reported "ill fitting condoms". All of these folks were in opposite sex relationships.

These same men reported much higher levels of condom dissatisfaction including breakage and difficulty achieving orgasm. A decent chunk of these folks ended up giving up on the condom and went ahead and had vaginal intercourse condom free, with all of the risks associated with unprotected vaginal/penis intercourse.

Which leads me to this.

In public health, we're trained to show folks that condoms can fit on our heads (and they do). I've told jokes about the silliness of a "large" condom. I've told many people that if someone is saying that a condom doesn't fit he's just looking for an excuse to not use a condom.

I was wrong.

The truth is, like any body part, penises come in all kinds of different shapes and sizes, with delightfully individual curves and tapers. No one condom is going to be comfortable on everyone. And if it's not comfortable, it's not going to get used.

Frankly, that makes perfect sense. We have sex to enjoy pleasure (among a myriad of other things). The condom should be a part of that, not an uncomfortable distraction.

There is a condom out there for everyone.

How do you find it? Well, first of all, if you like to be sexual with people who put condoms on their body parts ask them what condom they prefer. Don't assume that they'll be happy with the brand that someone else likes. If you have a permanently attached penis of your own, experiment! There are literally hundreds of different kinds of condoms out there. Try different brands, shapes and sizes. Try them when you're jacking off so you're prepared later. Don't worry about what size it says on the box. A "small" condom may be the perfect fit for you. Don't worry, it's not actually small, I promise I can still put it on my head.

Please stay away from condoms with spermicides, they actually increase the risk of transmission of sexually transmitted infections. Think about it. Spermicide kills sperm, and sperm are hard to kill, and then you're rubbing that material all of delicate mucus membranes. It causes micro tears and discomfort.

Try condoms that have funky shapes and pouches. Or are latex free. Don't use those lamb skin things unless you and your partner are fluid bonded (lamb skin can prevent pregnancy, but not disease).

Try putting a smidge of water based or silicone lube on the inside.

If your partner tells you that they don't want to use a condom because it's uncomfortable. Listen. They're probably telling the truth. And then find a condom that works for both of you. Because sex is so much hotter when you're protected. And when the condom fits.

repeating the serenity prayer...or living thru the snowpocolypse

2010-02-09T15:43:00.003-05:00

The first snow storm, even though it landed on the Saturday before Christmas, the biggest shopping day of the year was cute. I had a panic attack about losing sales, and then settled down with some hot chocolate, my sweet heart, the dogs and cable and enjoyed some enforced quantity time with my family.

Then we had another winter event. It was a just a tid bit of snow, but the roads were truly awful and we had to close early.

Then there was last weekend. Canceled an event and closed early Friday. Got home just in time. Closed Saturday. Closed Sunday. Open yesterday and today. But there's no parking and a lot of the roads are still bad, so not much shopping happening.

You see, Baltimore doesn't have the machinery or systems to deal with this amount of snow efficiently. And why should we? This is the type of storm that comes along once every decade or so. Except that we're getting another one tonight and tomorrow. And we'll probably be closed Wednesday. And Thursday.

I'm repeating the serenity prayer. A lot. Because you see, Sunday is Valentine's Day, and although we do lots of other lovely things, what pays our bills, what keeps our doors open are sales. And Valentine's day is bigger for us than Christmas. Those two holidays are what get us through the skinny months.

Of course, Sugar is hardly alone in this. Everyone I know in retail is a bit scared. Unless you own a grocery store or a snow removal business, this past week has been brutal to our bottom lines.

Why am I telling you this? Because I have a request.

This weekend, and in the next several weeks, keep your dollars local. Shop at locally owned stores. Eat at local restaurants. Get your hair did. Every dollar you choose to spend at a small business helps keep us afloat through this snowy mess. Of course, don't spend more than you can afford, but if you can open your wallet, do it.

It's not just businesses that are losing money in these storms, it's individuals too. If you have the kind of job that still pays you when you can't get to work because of the snow, think about your friends that work hourly and aren't getting paid while they are sitting at home trapped in their house, take them out to dinner, find a sweet and subtle way to buy them a gas card, or a gift certificate to the grocery store, or help them get to work.

I've seen countless acts of kindness in the past few days. Neighbors digging each other out, bringing each other food. My neighbor volunteers at BARCs (the local shelter that Bella came from) and last Saturday morning she hiked thru the snow to catch a ride to the shelter. A total stranger gave my wife a ride to close to the train station (thanks Fernando!). Another Hampden merchant let me park my car in her lot so that I could open the store (our lot is almost impassable). It's amazing. And I'm so grateful.

Let's keep this caring going for a while after the snow stops. I think we're all going to need it.

Vajazzle!

2010-01-20T15:33:00.005-05:00

So, the other day on the George Lopez show, a topic that deserves attention was introduced.

The vajazzle.

Apparently, one or more salons have started to apply Swarovski crystals after a bikini wax.

At first I thought this was strange.

I was picturing blinged labia. And that sounded itchy and uncomfortable. It also seemed like the crystals would come off during fucking and end up in the vagina. Which could be seriously irritating. But i appreciated the sentiment. Glitter is good.

In fact, if there is one axiom I live by it's that. Glitter is good. And pit bulls. And my snuggie. And knitting. And my Gigi. And my wife.

Ok, it's among other things, but glitter is up there.

Since someone was glittering something I wasn't, I did a little bit of digging.

The spa that's getting the most attention for this is called Completely Bare. It's a NYC spa dedicated to hair removal of all types, including a brazilian style bikini wax followed by the application of:

a Swarovski crystal tattoo design in starburst, butterfly, heart and other shapes.

Suddenly this made sense. The crystals go above the pussy on the pubic mound where the hair just was. This could be itchy as well, but, SPARKLY! And, well, I WANT IT.

Glitter just above the pussy. In a cute little pattern.

Such things give me hope for the world. Tear.

Donating to Haiti in Hampden

2010-01-15T13:44:00.003-05:00

On Monday, January 18th, Martin Luther King day, multiple businesses in Hampden will be donating a portion of sales to Haitian relief efforts.

The following businesses will be participating (check back as more may be added):

Sugar - donating 10% of sales to CARE

Red Tree - donating % to CARE

Earth Alley

Breathe Books

Doubledutch ***10% off AND 10% to CARE or Doctors Without Borders SATURDAY and SUNDAY (not Monday)

Edye Sanford - a ready to wear and custom clothing website based in Hampden will be donating 10% of ready to wear sales and 5% of custom sales thru the end of January.

I selected CARE by going thru the four star ratings on Charity Navigator (a online site that has reviews financial reports of charitable organizations) and looking at agencies that had well established services in Haiti before the earthquake and also had experience in disastor relief. Lastly, I chose CARE because in addition to medical services, they also are engaged in emergency food delivery.

Please support Haiti in whatever manner you are able. This is a nation that was already facing massive challenges including severe food inadequacy and high rates of HIV.

Thanks for your support!

The G-Spot and some shoddy science across the pond

2010-01-05T14:38:00.004-05:00

**warning: snarky**

ok, so, the Brits have announced with great fuss that there is no G-Spot.

Well, my G-Spot and I would like to respectfully disagree.

First of all, the study was conducted in a manner that doesn't make any sense. If you are looking for an anatomical structure that some folks have difficulty in finding, and many are unaware of, how would you go about doing that? Why by asking folks to tell you if they have one.

Seriously.

That's what they did. The study is not based on any type of hands on, actually scientific method. It was a survey. They did attempt to make the survey more "sciency" by asking twins the questions. Under the assumption that if one twin had identified her G-Spot the other necessarily would have as well. Which is a bad assumption. Because it assumes that the twins also have identical sexual histories. Which would be weird. And frankly a bit creepy.

And this study that claimed to find no G-Spot? Yep, 56% of women in the study said they had one. You heard that, 56%. But the opinions of those women were discounted because they were among women that were younger and more sexually active. Gee, the folks who have had more sex were more aware of their body structures? Huh, shocking.

And the woman who led the survey? She claims to have started the survey to:

remove feelings of “inadequacy or underachievement” that might affect women who feared they lacked a G-spot.

No bias there.

So here's the deal. The G-Spot exists. It is the urethral sponge and surrounds the urethras of folks who were identified female at birth. It is not the holy grail. People can have wonderful fabulous sex lives without ever intentionally playing with their G-Spot. Some folks don't like to have their G-Spots stimulated. Others do.

And, Andrea Burri, the researcher who headed up this study, I'll make an offer. With your permission and informed consent, I'd be happy to show you where your G-Spot is. And please stop with the shoddy science.

Here's a link to the article about the survey.

The paper of record and pronouns...

2010-01-04T11:50:00.003-05:00

On January 3rd, the NY Times published an article about the US Evangelical's role in the new Ugandan law that establishes the death penalty for homosexual behavior. Overall the article was interesting, but I had some problems with how they dealt with two folks that are transgender.

here's a link to the article:

US Evangelical's Seen in Ugandan Anti-Gay Push

And here's the letter, I just wrote the NYT in response:

In the explanation under a photo of Nikki Mawanda on the website at 10:55 am 1/4/10, he was referred to as "born female but lives as a 'trans-man' "

That description is incorrect. Trans-man should not have quotation marks (in fact in Websters the term is transman with no hyphen). It is not an uncommon term, and it is how he defines his gender. Quotation marks would not be placed around how he identifies his ethnicity, his political affiliation or just about anything else. By putting quotation marks around the term he uses to define his gender, it sets the term off and implies it is a slang term. Which it is not.

Later in the article Stosh Mugisha was referred to as she, even though the information under the photo of Mugisha stated that "Stosh Mugisha is going through transition to become a man". It is likely, this person would prefer the pronoun he and/or no pronouns at all. Was she the pronoun that Mugisha stated as their pronoun of preference? Or was the question never asked?

In the stylebook supplement put together by the NLGJA, transgendered terms are addressed:

transgender (adj.): An umbrella term that refers to people whose biological and gender identity or expression may not be the same. This can but does not necessarily include preoperative, postoperative or nonoperative transsexuals, female and male cross-dressers, drag queens or kings, female or male impersonators, and intersex individuals. When writing about a transgender person, use the name and personal pronouns that are consistent with the way the individual lives publicly. When possible, ask which term the subject prefers.

As you know, words and language are very powerful, especially in terms of how people define themselves. What does the NYT stylebook say on the matter? Is this matter addressed?

Thank you

Jacq Jones

Seriously, what do we have to do to get news organizations to refer to folks by their chosen pronouns? And yes, I know that Mr. Mawanda should have been referred to as "identified female at birth", but I chose to use the stylebook from the NLGJA to back me up and they aren't there yet. Using journalists seemed a way that might actually get action

It's not rocket science.

Want to send a letter yourself? Here's the email address:

nytnews@nytimes.com

And here's a link to the NLGJA stylebook (the National Lesbian and Gay Journalist Association)

Gi-Ki Review!

2010-01-03T15:04:00.008-05:00

So, last week(ish), I got Je Joue's new toy, the Gi-Ki in the mail.

And I have to say, other toys by Je Joue have been a bit overly fussy, perhaps shooting for greatness and ending up confusing (see the original Je Joue - remember the one that you could create patterns of vibration and play lists of vibration on your computer and down load? or today's Sasi?). But here, they went for simple and smart. And they hit the mark.

It's a vibrator, covered in silicone with multiple patterns of vibration. It has a lovely bulb at the top, perfect for g-spotting. It's rechargable (the charger attaches by magnet. which for some reason strikes me as super sexy and clean). It's waterproof.

But here's the kicker.

It bends.

In two places.

So you can adjust it to better get your (or your partner's) g-spot.

Or you can essentially have it fold in half and get clitoral and g-spot stimulation at the same time.

Kind of brilliant.

The Gi-Ki fills a unique nitch in the vibrator market. There's nothing else that does all of these things. The Gigi does brilliant g-spotting OR clitoral stimulation, but not both and not under water. The We-Vibe2 does both g-spotting and clitoral stimulation, but it's not adjustable, and you can't unfold it and use it for some good fucking (although you can - and should - wear that We-Vibe2 while you're getting fucked).

The vibration is good and would work well for most folks and has the capacity to change in intensity, although you can't change intensity within patterns.

And, at least on initial use, it was difficult for me to adjust bendy part on the fly. I needed two hands.

Keep your ears peeled - we'll be carrying this guy as soon as it's available.

It comes in black or purple. I'll probably only carry one color. And I'm leaning toward black. Any suggestions?

Michael Vick? may have served his debt, but an award for courage? hell no!

2009-12-29T17:09:00.007-05:00

You see this girl? She used to work security for a drug house in Baltimore. When the house got busted, she was taken to the city shelter where she lived for three months, then a lovely woman took her home and fostered her. Now she lives with me. Her name is Bella Jane.

And when she came home she was fucked up. She shook all the time. She didn't know that standing on the dining room table was inappropriate behavior. She shied if I stamped my feet. She got aggressive if I yelled. And she cuddled like she was starved.

That was a bit more than a year ago. Now she has learned a lot and taught me and S more. She only shakes some of the time. She's been through two obedience classes and private training. She plays well with some dogs. Not well with others. I never yell at her. And she loves us madly.

She's a pit bull (as are the other two dogs that live with me). A pit bull that had been abused, neglected, encouraged to be aggressive, but never fought. And she was a mess.

I have a soft spot for pit bulls.

Which means I have a deep well of rage for people that torture and fight them.

Michael Vick, a QB for the Philadelphia Eagles, served 18 months in prison for running a dog fighting ring. A ring in which he personally, with his bare hands, strangled at least one dog. Others were tortured, many were killed in other non-medical ways.

He's a reasonably talented football player, so as soon as he finished serving his sentence, he was signed by the Eagles. He has since apologized for his choices and is working with the Humane Society to educate young people about the horrors of dog fighting.

Personally, I don't believe his remorse for a second. He's sorry he got caught. he;s sorry he went to jail. But really sorry for what he did? Judge for yourself:

The Eagles players chose Michael Vick to receive the annual Ed Block Courage Awared. Because apparently they believe that he:

symbolizes professionalism, great strength and dedication. He is also a community role model. With this honor, he enters into an association which contrasts his fierce profession by becoming a major component of the Courage House National Support Network for Kids. He becomes an Ambassador of Courage for victims of abuse, violence and neglect.

Nice.

The man electrocuted and beat dogs to death. He perpetrated abuse, violence and neglect of animals. Not once or twice. But repeatedly. For years.

And he is now a role model for children?

18 months in prison didn't erase what he did. Or what kind of person he had to be to beat an animal to death.

Perhaps he has learned from his past. Perhaps his heart is in the right place now. It's possible. But rewarding him as a role model less than a year after prison? It's absurd and deeply offensive. People who break the law and get caught go to prison. They don't deserve an award for serving their time. People who have public personas who've done something horrible sometimes do things in public to try and rehabilitate themselves. If Mr. Vick is still on the straight and narrow in a few years, and still volunteering his time with the humane society, if his rehabilitation stands the test of time, if it's truely heartfelt, if he's really a man that has come out the other side a great person, reward him then. But now? No.

It's a slap in the face to all people who really have gone through difficult times. To the people who have made poor choices and manged to learn from their errors and create good.

And it sets a terrible example.

So what can you do about it? Well, I have some suggestions.

First, read what the foundation has to say (I'll withhold my hyperbole).

What the Ed Block Foundation has to say about Michael Vick

Then, if you want to contact the foundation and let them know what you think, send an email to:

Sam Lamantia Jr., CEO/Chairman of the Board sam@edblock.org

Want more? Contact the foundation's funders:

Harry and Jeanette Weinberg Foundation
Rachel Garbow Monroe, Chief Operating Officer
Phone: 410-654-8500, ext. 220
Email: rmonroe@hjweinberg.org

Want still more? Support the folks who are taking care of the dogs Michael Vick hurt.

The most traumatized are living at an amazing place called Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, in a place called Pittie City. They are calling them the Vicktory Dogs.

Thanks to Colten for the pic of Bella.

Thanks to Lauren from B-More Charming School For Dogs for all of her work with us over the past year.

Last Friday: or in which i prove once again that someone should follow me with a video camera

2009-12-18T15:28:00.006-05:00

How was your Friday?

Oh, was someone asking me that?

Because last Friday pretty much sucked. I mean it could have be worse. I've definitely had worse. But, let's just say it could be better.

That's Minnesotan for, "RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!"

It started Thursday.

I work from home on Thursdays. This is supposed to ensure that I get all that pesky paper work done. Uh huh. It does usually mean the web site gets updated and email gets answered. But I also have yoga on Thursdays, so I left the house (this was the mistake), went to yoga, went to the store, ordered some stuff, and went back home. I was gone for, oh, about 3.5 hours. Not much time, right?

When I opened the door, fresh with plans to eat my burrito, get started on some long postponed stuff and meet with the guy about our roof, only to be confronted with a smell that could kill small children.

Amazingly enough, it was not poo. It was puke. Really pungeunt puke. Zach had vomitted all over his kennel, and worn a bare patch on his nose in a futile attempt to bury the extremely odifereous stuff in his blanket. Poor guy.

He then proceeded to vomit about every ten minutes.

I would like you to know that I still managed to eat my burrito. In between cleaning the most awful puke I've ever encountered and calling the vet. The little guy was getting dehydrated.

In the mean time, helicopters were circling overhead. When the roof guy showed up he said streets were closed everywhere. I wondered about that for a minute, looked at the roof with the roof guy, threw Zach in the car and ran off to the vet.

IV fluids and a shot later we were back home and he was doing better. And the puking had miraculously stopped.

So, the rest of the evening was spent keeping a close eye on Puke Boy, and withholding food from both him and Piper. The vet's best guess was that we were dealing with doggie stomach flu. Bella had been sick earlier in the week, so it made sense to me that Piper was next.

It was around then, that I heard that a blizzard was expected. For Saturday. You know, the biggest retail shopping day of the year? Yep. That day. I grumbled and stomped and fed myself some wine. And went to bed.

Piper woke up puking in the middle of the night. But, she had nothing to throw up. Put one in the win column for the Jones/Z household! Good catch.

We were up early, cooking rice, baking chicken, walking dogs, tidying the house and retrieving the snow shovel from the garage. When I got an idea in my head. This should have been accompanied with blinking lights and sirens.

In our back yard we have a sweet little fountain. S and I had been meaning to dump it out and wrestle it into the garage, but she's been working out of town and we just hadn't gotten to it on one of her weekends home. She was coming home, but she had contracted the creeping crud and was coughing up small children and I knew she was going to think she needed to tackle the fountain before the blizzard. I decided to cut this off at the pass. I would take care of it before she got home!

So there I was in the back yard, wearing flannel sock monkey pajamas, red shiny shoes, a black parka and one of those fleece Raven's hats that always kind of look elvin and pointy no matter what. With a pick ax. There was some ice in the damn thing and I needed to get it out before I flipped the base over.

I pick axed out the ice, everything was going well, removed the main part of the fountain, and crouched down to lift and dump. The base of the fountain is heavy as shit. I'm reasonably strong, but it was extra heavy because of the ice. I got it mostly dumped. Then I decided to go for the flip. Just a little bit more umph would do it. And I'd be the best partner EVER. So I pushed with my legs.

And my red shiny shoes slipped on the frost. I dropped the fountain and landed in it. On my face, my nose making direct, hard contact with the pokey end of the fountain pump.

Then I was sitting in a lump of sock monkey pajamas sobbing with blood running out my nose. And all I was thinking was, "God damnit, my nose was already big enough!" Followed by a lot of feeling sorry for myself. And stupid. So I hiccupped and shuffled my way into the house, where Zach stared at me with that special, slightly bug eyed pit bull stare as I put the leftover frozen corn on my face and tried to arrange the corn so that I could watch the soothing patter of a West Wing re-run.

A bit later after I had showered, and reassured myself that my nose had not acquired a new direction, I took off to work, with both Piper and Zach in the car (see aforementioned puke fest). I shortly discovered that Zach was not ready to work in the store yet. Too much happening that scared him, so, after spending enough puke free time in the car that i was reasonably certain he wasn't going to repeat the previous day's kennel experience, back home he went.

By then I was a bit tired.

And overwhelmed.

And sore.

But we had some really lovely customers. And sold a lot of stuff.

I ended the day with a 9:15 pm trip to the grocery store for blizzard provisions.

And settled in with S for a long winter's night.

The black eyes were very, very minor by the way. More a suggestion of black eyes. S decided it was fun to call me Rickey.

She was right. That was fun. But I don't think I'm going to miss them.

in which i talk about sex at Morgan State

2009-12-01T13:38:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to Morgan State and did a Hot Safer Sex class with the Rainbow Soul (Morgan's Gay/Straight Alliance).

It was a blast.

So I get there, check in with the woman who was organizing the event, set out my stuff and wait for folks to show up. People came in, laughing and greeting people, taking seats in a huge circle.

When I teach Hot Safer Sex, one thing I always take into account is the audience I'm addressing. Young people in Northern Virginia need to hear slightly different statistics than folks in Baltimore City. And young people at one of Baltimore's two Historically Black Colleges need to hear slightly different statistics than people at an event for white women over 40 in Roland Park.

Because 2/3rds of diagnosed sexually transmitted infections occur in people under 25.

And people who are African American in Maryland are disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS. 82% of AIDS cases and 75% of HIV cases in Maryland occur in people that are African American. Only 29% of people in Maryland are African American, a huge disparity.

Although the leading cause of HIV transmission in MD is heterosexual intercourse, a 2004 study found that in Baltimore City, among men who have sex with men, 40 % were positive for HIV. Most of them were unaware of their infection. This study tested men who were congregating at or around gay clubs and/or events, so the number likely excludes some of the lower risk men who have sex with men, but it certainly indicates that we have a significant problem.

No matter how you cut it, we have a crisis in this city. Baltimore is fourth in the nation in per capita AIDS cases. Just down the road is Washington, DC. With the highest rates of HIV/AIDS in the country at around 3% of the population.

What group that is seeing steady increases in numbers of new cases of HIV in Baltimore? It's people under 29. In fact the number of new HIV diagnoses doubled from 2001 to 2007.

This doesn't take into account other sexually transmitted infections. Which are more common, and contracted in the same ways - unprotected sexual contact.

All of these facts were weighing heavily on my mind when I walked into that room. Here was a group of young, smart African American people who were willing to listen while I talked about safer sex. And I had to do it in a way that they could hear.

It's that last part that's challenging.

Usually safer sex ed focuses on the scary numbers, or on frightening pictures of worst case presentations of disease. Frankly, those scary pictures hurt more than they help. If someone has a lesion on their stuff, they may not worry about it until it starts to look like that scary picture. And let me tell you. I've seen a lot of genital warts. They rarely look like those pictures. Second of all, scare tactics instill a fear of sex, not respect. Fear works. For a while. Until it doesn't. And the precautions go by the wayside.

Because at some point the extremity of fear based education doesn't ring true in our lives. No one talks about it when they get diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection, so it feels like it doesn't happen in our peer group. And HIV? It is, after all, one of the least common sexually transmitted infection in the US. It's easy to think you don't know anyone with HIV. Or that something scary and deadly isn't going to happen to you. Those things happen to other people. Until it does happen to you.

I walk a very careful line between talking about the hard cold facts, normalizing the facts (seriously - the common cold? that's the most common sexually transmitted infection), and offering means of prevention that are accessible and sexy. Condoms, dental dams, gloves, vibrators.

Yep. Vibrators. Just because sex is safe doesn't mean it can't be sexy. If you use a vibrator on your partner, and that vibrator belongs to them and only them, there's no exchange of body fluid. You just had hot safer sex.

Or strap ons. Talk about safer sex! Use a silicone dildo (or metal or glass - materials that are body safe and won't absorb bacteria or virus). It's sanitizable, it's sexy, it's durable. Use a harness you can actually wash. Once again, smoking hot safer sex.

Or a butt plug that you insert in your partner, after massaging their ass, gently using lube while wearing a nitrile glove. That glove? Not only does it protect your hand from exposure to disease, but it protects your partner's ass from exposure to scratchy skin or hang nails. After you remove the glove, you can safely touch yourself.

Or how you talk about using protection. "It's cause I care about you, unless we've been monogamous for six months, we need to protect each other". Caring protection. That's hot.

So we talked. At first I depressed them a little bit. Because some of the numbers are scary. And we had fun talking about sex toys and safety.

They asked really good questions. We laughed. I think they might have learned something. I hope that they learned that sex is whole. It is hot and dangerous and earth shattering and boring and fascinating and delightful. When we treat sex and our bodies in a manner that is risk aware and respectful sex becomes more fun, more fulfilling and ultimately safer.

Happy World AIDS Day.

Get tested. Know your status. And celebrate the hot opportunities in safer sex. You're only bound by your own creativity!

Blessings to those of you who've dared to be out about your battles with HIV and AIDS. You've changed my life.

Twilght - glorifying emotional abuse?

2009-11-20T13:41:00.008-05:00

The new Twilight movie opened this weekend. Which has me thinking. I've only read the first book, and it disturbed me deeply.

This fall, I gave in and downloaded Twilight (the first book in the Twilight series)onto my Kindle (as far as inventions go - the Kindle is up there with sliced bread). I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I was ready for an easy read and a bit of escapism.

Instead, I was horrified.

Twilight is a modern book, written for young adults, in which a controlling, borderline abusive relationship is played up as a great love story. Oh, and throw in a little pedophilia as well (how the hell old is Edward [112 according to a friendly twihard]? and Bella's what - 17?). But I'm probably being oversensitive about Edward's real age. I know - he looks 18. I'll let that go. And the abstinence message? You're not going to hear me complain about encouraging kids to postpone first intercourse. I have opinions about how that should be done, but I'm not against the concept.

I am against controlling, manipulative behavior.

Edward tells Bella that they can't be together. Not because he doesn't want to be with her, but because he knows what's best for her. Then he tells her he can't stay away. After all, they've known each other for two days and are deeply in star crossed love. She follows eagerly along as he pulls the strings.

He watches her 24/7. He doesn't need to sleep, so the fact that he spends all night staring at her in her bedroom is fine right? Um, no. That's called stalking. Doesn't he have something else to do?

She says she doesn't want a party or presents for her birthday. He surprises her with a party and expensive presents.

She asks him to drive more slowly because she's frightened. He ignores her.

He's rich and buys her things. She's middle class and can't reciprocate. Besides, 112 year old rich men have everything they'd ever need.

She wants him to turn her into a vampire. He tells her that will never happen and interferes when she tries to see if someone else will turn her (I would add that here, he may have a point - 17 is simply too young to make decisions that are irreversible by centuries).

Throughout the entire book he contradicts her, he tells her what to do, he treats her like a very stupid but appealing toddler.

She rarely objects to this treatment. After all, he's the hot, unattainable bad boy, and she's the awkward young woman who's new in town, has a distant relationship with her father and has been abandoned by her mother. But when she does fail to listen, people get hurt. Which reinforces her total dependence on him.

The power differential between them is huge. That happens in real relationships. And it's difficult to manage well. Here was a chance to model managing it well (while still being very dramatic star crossed lovers).

Not once in the book is the structure of their relationship challenged or questioned by the author in any meaningful way.

I recognize that when Stephanie Myers wrote these books, she had no clue that they were going to be the cultural phenomenon they have become. But, when you are writing for a young adult market you have some responsibilities. One of those is to not set up an abusive controlling relationship as a positive, sexy relationship model.

I've been in an abusive relationship. They aren't sexy. But, I learned alot. One thing that I learned is that you can not tolerate the least inkling of controlling behavior. Because it's a quick and slippery slope.

People who abuse other people aren't necessarily bad people. In fact they're often lovely individuals with unaddressed issues. That's part of what makes tolerating their behavior so easy. There are always multiple ways to rationalize it. "He's a vampire, he knows best, he's just trying to protect me" When the truth is, he's (intentionally or not) choosing to be with someone who has less power than he does. Rather than looking for ways to balance the power differential, he's choosing to use his power to control her every move. Abuse, especially emotional abuse can sneak in subtly. "Isn't it sweet that he wants to watch me sleep?" turns into, "he needs to know what I'm doing every minute of the day". Which becomes, "I don't do anything without his permission". At the end it's "I don't do anything that wasn't his idea, because the other options create too much pain".

Finding your way out of abuse as either an abuser or abusee is a difficult and painful journey. On the way a lot can happen, including both people finding a way to be healthy. But books like this? They don't help.

It's a lot easier to stop a relationship from becoming abusive than it is to fix it later. And this book sets up a relationship based on power and control as a fairy tale delight.

Teenagers are especially vulnerable to abuse in intimate relationships. One in 10 teenagers experiences physical abuse in a dating relationship. 2-3 in 10 report verbal or psychological abuse. Our teens should be taught the warning signs of this kind of behavior. Not have it glorified as the fictional teen romance of the decade.

*statistics from the DOJ

Job Opening at Sugar

2009-11-17T13:52:00.001-05:00

We've got a (very) part time job opening at Sugar!

If you're interested, read on.

Seeking mission driven Sex Educators to work at Sugar, a lesbian owned, women and trans operated sex toy store in Hampden, Baltimore. The hours available are: Friday evenings (4 - 9 pm) and occasional Tuesday evenings (5 - 9 pm).T

If you are interested in working at Sugar, please send a cover letter and resume to jacq at sugartheshop.com by Friday, November 20th. The cover letter should discuss:

1. why your experience is relevant to working at Sugar

2. why you want to work at Sugar.

**Please make sure that your cover letter includes both of the above**

**No calls please**

**Please send in your resume by Friday. November 20th**

Sex Educators are responsible for answering customers' questions and providing customers with the information they need to make the purchases that are best for them. In addition, SEs run the cash register, stock the store, and ensure that the store is clean and tidy at all times and perform other duties as assigned. These dutes may include: store decoration, workshop instruction and fulfillment of customers orders for shipping.

Required skills:

Computer literacy

Excellent customer service

Able to accurately work with money

Able to lift 50 pounds

Able to work evenings and weekends

Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities

Cultural competency with diverse communities

Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues

Commitment to a team environment

A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred:

Previous experience in sexuality education, counseling and/or retail.

Sugar will provide Sex Educators with:

$11.50 an hour - eligible for $00.50 increase after two successful months

A commitment to a systems oriented work place.

A work place that is respectful and supportive.

A work place that is damn fun!

cheating and...

2009-11-06T12:19:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite shows, This American Life, did a show last week on cheating, almost cheating, infidelity and the way those choices play out in people's lives.

It's really good. Check it out.

And, if you're thinking about cheating, think about ending the relationship, or transitioning to an open relationship first. Lying sucks. And ends up hurting everyone.

For more info about open relationships, check out Tristan Taormino's book, Opening Up. Or the Practical Polyamory blog.

My day so far (or my super sexy life)

2009-11-04T20:03:00.002-05:00

Last night I was at Midori's super awesome hands on rope bondage class when I saw my phone ringing. In between watching a hot rope bondage demo and learning about different ropes, I ducked down behind the cunt wrap and checked my message. It was G, my friend and the person who walks the dogs when I work late. She wanted to know where the diarrhea medicine was. This is never a good message. And I happened to know that we were out of doggie diarrhea medicine. So I turned back to class and learned how to make a soft and comfy spreader bar out of 25 feet of rope. Brilliant.

I got home to find a note. Two of the three doglets were a little runny. Bella was farting in her kennel. Ok. Nothing I can't handle. In short order, the other two dogs demonstrated that their GI tracts were ok and we all went to bed.

I only had to get up three times in the night to take Bella out. Poor thing.

By morning it was clear that she was going to have to go to work with me, or I was going to have to stay home. There was no way she would be able to make it for more than three hours without a potty break.

So we went to work.

She quickly had an accident in the store. Lovely. But understandable. The store has a (polished) concrete floor. Bella spent three months living in an animal shelter and has yet to be convinced that the store is not, in fact, a large kennel. She doesn't work at the store often because she's still learning her manners, is easily freaked out by things that strangers wouldn't think were scary and responds to this by acting out inappropriately. And she's a pit bull. Which makes the inappropriate acting out scarier for customers than if she was, say, a Pomeranian. But it's Wednesday. The store isn't terribly busy on Wednesdays. And I didn't have any other good options.

In between bouts of diarrhea and deciding that the only place she felt comfortable was on my lap, she growled at a customer. Which meant that she was relegated to the back room as soon as anyone walked in the door. At around 5 a customer walked in and she got stiff. Which is dog for "I'm scared and trying to decide if I need to fight or run".

One of the things I've learned is important when you're working with a dog with issues is to listen to your gut. And my gut was telling me that I was putting a sick dog with emotional issues in a situation that she couldn't handle.

So I closed the store and took the girl home.

Yep, I closed the store because my dog's sick. I wouldn't have done it on a Saturday, or during our busy seasons, but today, I did. And it was the right thing to do. Because when she came home almost a year ago, I promised her I'd do my best. Besides, I'm responsible for everything she puts in her mouth. So it's likely that my choices have something to do with her current discomfort.

She's now cuddled in a ball in her kennel and ready for another dose of doggy homeopathic pepto bismol.

And I've been cuddled in a ball getting a ton of work done.

By the way - I'd suggest NOT feeding your dog a ton of treats that involve dehydrated chicken heart bits (even if it seems like a healthy tasty way to balance out the massive amount of treating involved in reactive dog training), on a day when they also demolish an "edible" beef flavored bone and you suddenly decide it's ok to let the dog eat a bunch of ends from the carrots you're chopping up for the carrot soup you're making. No matter how happy she seems doing all of the above. It may result in an unhappy dog later. And you may lose some sleep

Just sayin...

preparing

2009-10-30T15:00:00.002-04:00

Next week, we have Midori coming to the store.

And I'm really excited.

I do have a tendency to procrastinate, but this week I was a little sickly, so i'm later than usual getting to some of the prep. Which meant I got to spend about an hour in heaven this afternoon. Yep, went to the sex toy warehouse. It's one of my favorite places.

Wandered the long, dusty rows of toys in a 100 year old (ok, i don't actually know how old it is, but its OLD ok?) warehouse. Looked at new things, picked up some bondage tape, a TON of rope, and the usual stuff that we need for a weekend at the store.

It's moments like this that i really love my job.

Now I would like a hot fudge sundae.

Thank you.

finally, a video game i can get behind

2009-10-21T16:44:00.004-04:00

so, the brilliant people at kink.com have come up with a use for video games that i can really get behind.

it's geeky, it's techy and it's as kinky as you want to be!

it's called 3dkink

you design your own characters. then you tie em up, fuck em, use fucking machines, turn them into vulcans, take them to a dungeon, drip wax on their tits, or play in the furry area. yep furries.

the entry part of the web site is heavy on suggesting that folks create their own slave and fuck "her", but from what I can tell, the player has a lot of lee way to decide about genders and appearance of the avatars. it doesn't appear that you can make any of the avatars fat. odd.

the sound on the promo pieces is a little bit off, but it may be fine in the actual game. besides, i'm sure you all are capable of making your own soundtrack.

seriously. this looks like fun. but it's not mac compatible so i can't actually find out.

sigh.

quick, someone with a PC go try this and get back to me! it may be the only good reason to have a PC. and it's only $30 a month.

why I'm not "cis" gendered

2009-10-16T12:02:00.004-04:00

So, cis gender.

Cis gender is a word that's fairly new to me, and it's been attracting a lot of attention over the past year or so. However, the term has been around since the early 90s.

Cis is used to refer to folks who were identified as a male or female at birth, socialized as that gender and continue to identify as that gender.

When I first heard the word, I asked my friends to please not refer to me as Cis. I understood the need for a word for people who identify as the gender box they were stuck in as a baby, especially because without such a word, these folks were referred to as "normal". Which puts trans folk in the "other" column. That's assuredly not ok. Trans folk are living the gender they were born with too. We all are. There may be gender identities and experiences that are more common, but certainly not more normal. If you break down each individuals experience of their own gender you'd find more differences within a gender group than sameness. There is no one set of characteristics or attributes that define men or women. Or any other gender.

There's something about the word "cis" itself that irritates me. It sounds like cyst. You know plugged ducts in the body that can be painful and occasionally become smelly, oozing pus filled abscesses. Yuck. And really, it's not how I think of myself.

Then someone explained that cis is from the Latin, meaning "on the same side" as opposed to trans which means "on the other side" or across. I should have paid more attention in Latin class. The explanation made the word feel more comfortable. And definitely helped replace the cyst image in my brain. Besides, we need a word to help avoid the "normally" gendered comment.

So I went with that for a while.

But the more I think about it, the less I like it.

First of all, it feels like it reduces gender back to the place we're trying to get away from. What's between your legs now and what was between them when you were born. It's birth genitalia defining gender. Again.

I know guys who rock their vaginas. Women who glory in their dicks. And, given that people who were born with penises sometimes refer to their ass as their cunt, and people who were born with clitorises and vaginas strap on dicks, pack with them and do all kinds of delishishly dirty things with them, I'm even more convinced that genitals shouldn't be the center of this discussion. And the folks I know who do these things identify as many different genders - some even as the gender they were identified at on their birth day. Birth genitalia says little about your current gender.

Cis feels narrow.

Is anyone truely cis gendered?

Seriously, let's use my gender and my parent's as an example. Since their the ones I know best.

I was identified female at birth, socialized as female by society and two parents. One of my parents is a woman who is as girly as they come. She cries at Hallmark commercials, she bakes bread, she has more shoes than is reasonable (I come by some things honestly). She's also almost six feet tall, very opinionated and active in local politics. My father, until recently was the head of a 3000 member congregation, tells tasteless dirty jokes, takes care of the finances, drinks extremely dry martinis - stirred, not shaken (don't bruise that gin!). He also wears pink suits, silk scarves and as much jewelry as he can get away with. Both of them are what would be termed "cis" gendered. But is the way they live their genders really "on the same side" as most other men and women?

I identify as both a woman and a femme. My gender is that which is most commonly associated with the bits that I was born with and continue to have. I wear high heels and make up and corsets. I love puppies, and knitting and I make a mean apple pie. All things that fit in the "gender norm" for women (whatever the fuck that is). I'm also six feet tall, have strong features, more facial hair than I'd care to admit to, use power tools, drive a jeep, could once squat more weight than our current (male) governor and like to have sex with women. Which should, I think, make me a man.

But I identify as woman.

It's common in the store for folks, especially men, to ask me if I'm trans. There are people that I know from performing (burlesque) that have assumed I was a drag queen or a trans woman for months. Until they asked. Which, by the way, is the polite thing to do. Assuming someone's gender? That's rude.

I don't identify as trans. Or gender queer. Or gender fluid. Or intersex. Of course, I can't say with absolute certainty that I'm not intersex. I doubt it, but I've never had testing and/or given birth.

I identify as a woman. And as a femme.

I don't identify as cis. It feels limiting. The word implies that all people who identify as a woman (or a man) mean the same thing when they cite that identity. My experience of my gender is undoubtedly different than someone who identifies as a woman but was identified as male at birth. My experience of my gender is also different from a woman born into a family or culture in which her gender means young marriage, multiple children and subservience to her husband. Or that of a woman who feels most comfortable in jeans, work boots and a mullet. People's understanding of their gender is deeply colored by race, class, religion, culture and biology.

I understand that in this culture I receive privilege because of my particular gender and gender expression, that people who are trans are discriminated against, otherized, even murdered because our society has a fucked up understandings of gender.

In our fight toward a broader understanding of gender, toward a culture in which each person's gender is both accepted and celebrated. Where all of us are able to walk safely in the streets, and not fear or experience discrimination because of their gender or appearance of gender, does giving the privileged a box to happily climb into perpetuate a limited understanding of gender?

Perhaps what we need is an understanding that none of us is truely "cis" gendered. Fewer boxes, not more. Each of us builds our gender in our own way. In our own time. An approach like this will take more time, more explanation, more bridge building. But it's more true. Nature creates diversity and uniqueness that defies categorization.

And thank goddess. Because it makes our world a much more beautiful place.

things that make me go hmmmm

2009-10-15T16:14:00.005-04:00

So, these women from France have developed a new sex toy. And they sound like lovely women.

But I'm just not getting the toy. And I'd like to. Internet, could you help a girl out?

Here's what they say:

Fed up with using sextoys which are absolutely not shaped for us (penis shape) we have created "One" which is a sextoy dedicated to lesbians.

Our world : More than a toy, we are creating a lesbian world in which you are going to find pictures of known - or not, but still hot - lesbian couples, and videos.
WET FOR HER is the lesbian company who has created the first and original lesbian sextoy.
Now more than ever the lesbian community is coming out. We have chosen a theme which gives us an opportunity to keep developing our world. Our sexuality is our common point.

I think that part of the trouble is that I'm of the lesbian/post-gender binary mindset where I'm not sure what a penis shape has to do with gender. I know. I left my husband 'cause he's a man. So, I'm not totally post-gender, but really?

I know some folks don't want anything shaped like a penis inside them. I've seen the corn cob/zucchini/dolphin shaped dildos of the 80s and 90s. You know twenty years ago? I'm a Michfest gyrl.

For me, when a woman owns a dildo, even a penis-shaped-skin-tone-matching-dick, it's hers. And therefore associated with her. And her gender. Whatever that may be. Just like some women are born with penises, or some guys have cunts. Your genitalia doesn't define your gender. So penis=man therefore lesbians don't like penises doesn't make sense inside my head.

Regardless of gender stuff, there are advantages to penis shaped sex toys. The head of a penis shaped object, with the little lip that happens between the head and the shaft can be lovely on the first inch to two inches of a vagina, catching and teasing right at the vaginal opening - good stuff.

Ok. I'm clearly confused by the penis shape avoidance. But I could let that go (see aforementioned regular attendance at lesbian separatist events).

It's the next part that really confuses me.

the first and original lesbian sextoy.

Really? Huh. I can think of more than a few sex toy developers who would be confused by that statement. You know, like Vixen Creations, or the woman who designed the FeelDoe (now sold by Tantus) or Aslan Leather, or well, the list just goes on. Going back at least 20 to 30 years. These folks may not only target the lesbian market as their companies have grown, expanded and embraced a wider spectrum of sexuality, but they all started there.

And last. The toy itself confuses me. Silicone fingers. Which for some non-specific, undoubtedly highly irrational reason freaks me out.

It would make sense (maybe) if the fingers were solid and designed to use for masturbation.

Or perhaps could be harnessed as a dildo. In fact that would be kind of hot. But, they're hollow.

So, we're supposed to wear them? They don't seem to come in sizes. Which could be a problem.

Perhaps it's a way to promote safer sex? Except, you'd still need to wear a glove underneath the toy, otherwise the rest of your hand would be exposed to and able to spread vaginal fluids.

I'm stumped.

Anyone tried this? Am I missing something?

Party time!

2009-10-14T11:49:00.002-04:00

It was a dark and stormy night.

Ok. It wasn't stormy. But it was dark. And rainy. It was a night most suited for a movie and a pizza at home. With a bottle of red wine.

But Rachel and I were on our way to do a Sugarware Party at a hair salon in East Baltimore. We found the address and trotted up the stairs to the salon. Looking a bit, I fear, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. We're about a foot different in height. But no one pointed and stared. Or called me Abe. Which is good.

The women hosting the party greeted us at the door. We set up the toys. We hung out. We watched the Housewives of Orange County marathon. And agreed that the only housewife we like on the Housewives of ATL is Kandi.

Yep. I watch the housewives shows.

And I'm not ashamed.

Really.

Besides, apparently, I'm not alone.

Throughout our housewives discussion more party guests were trickling in. Soon, the housewives were off and the party was on.

It was fabulous. A room full of smart women with good questions, a willingness to ask for answers and the freedom to laugh at both.

By the end of the party, I'd learned a few things. Women were sharing notes about their bodies. Rachel chimed in with some great info. And we taught some folks how to use a dental dam.

All in all, a good evening.

I am so grateful for the customers that remind me why we're here.

Want to book a party of your own? Shoot us an email! jacq@sugartheshop.com

March SUNDAY - and bring everyone you know

2009-10-06T12:59:00.003-04:00

National Equality March - Sunday, DC at Noon

Be there. Or don't bitch when: you get fired from your job because of your gender presentation or your sexual orientation*, or some one tells you who you can marry, or who you can visit in the hospital, or who your kid's parents are, or whether you can be a parent at all.

Each and every person in deserves equal rights. And until we are all equal under the law. None of us are equal.

Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender identity, this march is about you.

So, See you at the corner of 15th and I (eye) St on Sunday at noon.

Need help getting to DC from Baltimore, Philly or NYC? Check this out.

For people with mobility issues - the DC Metro system is pretty accessible (many stops have elevators). And the route itself is very flat. If you have special concerns or require other accommodations, please email the organizers at this link. This about equal equality for all - not just the "non-disabled".

And, when you get to the end? Cheer a little bit extra when the young man named Richard Aviles speaks about being a GLBT student. He's from a little Lutheran college in Minnesota, called St. Olaf. I've got a soft spot for the place, I graduated from there in 1993....)

*In Maryland people are protected from losing their jobs due to their sexual orientation, but it is legal to fire folks based on their gender presentation or identity. There are 28 states in which it is perfectly legal to fire someone, deny housing or public accommodations based on their sexual orientation. In 36 states, you may do the same based on gender or the appearance of gender.

Polanski, listening to survivors and anger at perpetrators

2009-09-29T12:15:00.007-04:00

I'm a feminist. I have a degree in Women's Studies. I've been trained as a sexual assault advocate. I volunteered on a sexual assault crisis line for three years. When I worked as a counselor and clinic manager for Planned Parenthood and at private clinics I was a mandated reporter. I've listened to women cry. I've helped women who were disassociating ground themselves and find their bodies. I've been required to call the cops when a minor has disclosed abuse. I've seen women feel like they were being assaulted all over again when they talked to the cops, or testified in court. I've held friends as they cried remembering an assault. I've seen how the effects of living thru sexual trauma play out in the lives of people I care about years after the abuse stopped. And I've had customers walk into the store shaking with tears on their cheeks as they look for a way to reclaim their sexuality.

I'm biased. And I know it.

I'll go to the mat for any survivor who chooses to not involve the authorities in her (or his or zes) recovery. And I have. I understand the need to walk away.

I believe, like I believe the sun comes up in the morning, that the person who survives a sexual assault is the person who gets to define how their recovery will go. They had precious, intimate control taken from them, and now, they get to make all of the choices.

Which is why, when I heard that the woman that Polanski raped wanted the matter dropped, I sided with her.

And then I saw the reaction to Polanski's arrest. And I had some issues reconciling my ethics.

I think it was this statement that really got my ire up:

"without wanting to interfere in a very old judicial process...(I) regret in the strongest way that a new ordeal has been inflicted on someone [Polanski] who has gone through so many"
Frederic Mitterand, Minister of Culture, France

Excuse me? He has gone through some incredibly intense things in personal life. Things no one should have to experience. He survived the Holocaust. His mother died in a death camp. His wife and unborn child were murdered in an utterly horrific fashion by the Manson Family. These are unquestionably tragedies. And he deserves empathy and understanding in relation to those events in his life.

But they in no way mitigate the fact that he admitted to, and was convicted of, drugging and raping a 13 year old girl. Read the grand jury testimony. And that he has not yet, according to the state in which he committed this crime, paid his debt.

Or maybe it was this:

He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago, what a shame for Switzerland [for arresting Polanski]
Otto Weiser, friend of Polanski

"A little mistake"?! What the hell is wrong with people? He committed a serious crime.

If convicted of the same crime today, he would be a registered child sex offender. A felon. One of those people that you don't want living on your block. Or around your own kids. He likely would have been sentenced to at least three years in prison (released in less).

He is a gifted filmmaker. That's true. It is also true that the judge in the case changed the terms of the plea deal at the last minute. The judge has since been accused of impropriety in the case.*

Regardless of his sentence, the truth is. He did it. And what he did was horribly wrong.

Perspective on the severity of the offense is needed. Under current law, what he did is a felony level offense.

Of course, he can't be prosecuted under current statutes. That's unconstitutional. But looking at is crime in relation to current statutes helps to illustrate what he did in a contemporary context. And it's not pretty.

Here's what current California Penal Code says about this type of sexual assault which was:

penetration of a minor under the age on 14
by an adult more than 10 years older than the minor,
in which the minor was intoxicated and
the adult was aware of the intoxication (he gave her champagne and a quaalude)

Section 288

(i) Except as provided in Section 288, any person over
the age of 21 years who participates in an act of sexual
penetration with another person who is under 16 years of
age shall be guilty of a felony.
(j) Any person who participates in an act of sexual
penetration with another person who is under 14 years
of age and who is more than 10 years younger than he
or she shall be punished by imprisonment in the state
prison for three, six, or eight years.

****

Section 289

(d) Any person who commits an act of sexual penetration,
and the victim is at the time unconscious of the nature
of the act and this is known to the person committing the
act or causing the act to be committed, shall be punished
by imprisonment in the state prison for three, six, or
eight years.  As used in this subdivision, "unconscious of
the nature of the act" means incapable of resisting because
the victim meets one of the following conditions:
(1) Was unconscious or asleep.
(2) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant that
the act occurred.
(3) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant of
the essential characteristics of the act due to the
perpetrator's fraud in fact.
(4) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant of
the essential characteristics of the act due to the
perpetrator's fraudulent representation that the sexual
penetration served a professional purpose when it served no
professional purpose.   
(e) Any person who commits an act of sexual penetration
when the victim is prevented from resisting by any
intoxicating or anesthetic substance, or any
controlled substance, and this condition was known,
or reasonably should have been known by the accused,
shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison
for a period of three, six, or eight years.

This is no "little mistake". It is felonious sexual assault of a minor. That is something for which I am not able to find forgiveness. Regardless of someone's "genius".

The fact that so many in the film and artistic community are coming to this pedophile's defense turns my stomach.

But, as much as I would like to see this man punished with the fullest extent of the the law, we need to listen to what the survivor has asked for.

She wants to be left alone and has been asking for the state to drop the case since 1997. It's reprehensible that the state has ignored her pleas. And ignored them for more than a decade.

Judge Rittenband was not acting on my behalf or in my best interest when he refused to allow the plea bargain...which did not involve additional jail time for Mr. Polanski.

The continued publicity surrounding this case has been so intense at times that it has changed my life forever from what it might have been...

I have recovered from the events of March 10, 1977. I have moved on and am very happy with my life. I feel I can also recover from the traumatic effect of the continued publicity, if this situation could only finally be resolved. I have long awaited the day that this issue is put to rest once and for all, and I am hopeful that this time may be at hand.
May 28th, 1997
Letter from Samantha Geimer to the Hon. Larry P. Fidler, LA Superior Court
*in 1997, Ms Geimer chose to give up her anonymity

Because you know what?

She's the one who gets to pick.

Not me, who'd like to smack him and take half of his income from the last 30 years to pay for recovery programs for survivors, or some asshole who thinks that Polanski only made a "little mistake" and that he should instead of jail be given a cookie, a pat on the head and an award for his films, or you and whatever you may think - but her.

The girl that he raped.

So drop it. Let her go on with her life as she chooses to live it. Without having to be reminded about the assault by seeing it played out in the media every time a Polanski film opens.

Give her some peace. As she defines it.

Then, lets go at the people who think that what Polanski did wasn't a big deal, figure out what's wrong with them and fix it. And let's go at a system that defines justice for the victim, rather than the other way around.

Because something is terribly, terribly broken.

*The prosecution and Polanski had agreed to a plea deal, avoiding a trial, when the judge changed the deal. General consensus is that the judge got cold feet because the deal, while it avoided putting the survivor through the trauma of trial, also meant no additional incarceration for Polanski (who had already spent 40 some days in a facility receiving a psych evaluation). When the judge indicated that he would require Polanski to serve an additional 40 days in jail, he fled the country. If he wasn't famous, the result of all of the above would have undoubtedly been different. But he was, and he is, and....

Summer Camp, Backs and Blues

2009-09-22T15:01:00.003-04:00

Last Monday, I loaded up my jeep, nodded to the spider who has taken up residence in the passenger seat (and is sweetly keeping my jeep bug free) and set out for Dark Odyssey Summer Camp.

For the past several years, I have worked crew at DO. Which means that I show up early, stay late and help set up the Sex-O-Rama.

Which is good. Because I'm helping to set up something called the Sex-O-Rama. Just try saying it a few times. You can't help but smile.

DOSC is held at a camp in Northern Maryland. It's a really a camp. You know, with cabins. A dining hall. Bugs. Flag poles. Bathrooms that no amount of bleach can really help. I like to think that once upon a time band camp happened there. And that those geeky children have now grown up. And created the Sex-O-Rama.

The Sex-O-Rama is a group of connected cabins that are transformed into something fabulous.

First, the Make Out Room. It has shiny, pretty fabric hanging on the walls, luscious low lights twinkling thru sheers, comfy futons, large Liberator shapes, and, of course safer sex supplies.

Next to the Make Out Room is the Paradise Hotel, then the Bordello, then the Peep Show.

My jeep and I tumbled down the dirt road and pulled up to the cabins. I found M getting her cabin ready for her leather family who would be arriving later and one other person from our crew wandering around. The Dungeon crew had already delivered all of our stuff and stacked it in front of the Sex-O-Rama cabins. The three of us then proceeded to wander about aimlessly waiting for our leaders.

In due time, Colton and Tristan (two of the four organizers of the whole shebang) showed up with their UHaul and their check lists. I heart checklists. As we unloaded them, more of the crew trickled in and we set to work.

Then, the crew leaders for our crew showed up: E and J. E drew maps of how each room was to be set up. Notes regarding which specific items were needed in each room were posted on the doors. With painters tape. So as to not leave a residue. Swoon.

We set to work. Staple guns flew, fabric was piped and draped, sex slings were taken to their appropriate locations. Old staff met new staff and much chatting ensued.

Then there was fried chicken. Yum.

Sometime between nine and ten we knocked off for the night and I retired to my bunk to read my kindle and knit my sweater. Which is very close to being done. So I'm at that somewhat obsessive knitting/I-really-want-to-finish-this-so-that-I-can-wear-it-and-besides-I-want-to-start-those-really-cute-Fair-Isle-flap-mittens-that-I'm-going-to-make-for-S-stage (so that her fingers stay warm when she's working outside and there's a damp wind that just cuts thru other fabrics but she needs to sometimes have a her fingers free to write something or maybe toggle the switch on her walkie? unless you can do that with a mittened hand. i don't know anything about walkies. they're mysterious).

I spent much of the night flopping about my air mattress as it deflated. When I gave up on sleeping at 7 am I was sore. Like beaten sore. Which really shouldn't happen until later in the week. And then only after a negotiation. And a safe word.

I stretched. Wondered why it sounded like a toddler was running around on the roof, realized it was only a mouse, and took my knitting and kindle to the Make Out Room where there were soft things to sit on while I waited for the dining hall to open.

Soft futon. Chick lit on the Kindle. Angora silk blend sliding thru my fingers. mmmmm. good morning.

Help spread sex information

2009-09-22T11:04:00.004-04:00

So, there is a little non profit with a big mission in Rhode Island that is having a few problems opening their doors. It's called the Center for Sex Pleasure and Health.

The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health is the first sex-positive, non-profit sexual resource center to open in New England. The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health provides a physical location for people to receive sexuality information and campaign for sexual justice issues.

And they are having zoning issues.

Because their location is apparently not zoned for "education". Right?! Who the hell knew that there was special zoning for that?

According to Oh Meagan, who is leading the charge on this project, education, not sales of adult toys is the focus of this enterprise.

...it wasn't my intention of ever selling [toys}, just having the toys on display for educational use.

And yet, perhaps because sex toys may be observed, the city council seems to think that they need to put up barriers to adults accessing information about their sexual health and pleasure. Because, you know, our culture doesn't do enough of that.

We need your help. I'm collecting letters for Megan to take to the City Council about the importance of adult sex education. Have you attended a class that helped you? Gone to a class that helped you to maintain a long term relationship? Gave you information or tools that enabled you to develop a more fulfilling relationship with your own body? Taught you that your gender/sexuality/ identity was normal and didn't need to be a source of shame? Helped you heal from sexual trauma? Or hell, just helped you have a better knowledge of human sexual anatomy? Has any of this helped you to be a better member of your community? Have you perhaps learned information that you then shared with others about safer sex and STI prevention? Then please take the time to write a letter.

I'm collecting the letters and will send them off to Megan and she will decide what to bring to the City Council. Because these letters are going to a government body, they will receive more credence if you are able to include your name, address and phone number. However, anonymous letters will be accepted as well.

please send them to jacq@sugartheshop.com

And please forward this link as widely as possible. All of us who believe in sex positivity gotta stick together! It's the only way we can create a world where each of us can celebrate their own sexuality with shameless joy.

BTW - if you happen to be in Rhode Island this upcoming weekend, check out their grand opening celebration - not at the actual center because of the zoning crap. But it sounds fabulous! I wish I could go!

Um - why? And - it's kinda brilliant

2009-09-10T17:40:00.004-04:00

So there's this company that I didn't know about that makes stripper clothes for boys. Fucking fabulous. And they just released this.

Yep, it's a one legged thong (called the Cobra). Because the two legged version was getting in the way? It does leave better ass access....

More importantly - they also have this sassy little leather look glove shrug. Which would look adorable with a boi beater, mini skirt and boots. think it would fit a six foot tall girl with non-muscly arms? it doesn't have to come with that full face hood thing. full face hoods are on my no list.

thanks to Fleshbot!

Check out Carol Queen's new article at Good Vibes

2009-09-04T19:59:00.003-04:00

Check out Carol Queen's new article at Carnal Nation. It's a fabulous update on the awesome things she got to do recently - which include attending Betty Dodson's 80th birthday. I'm including a pic from the article here - seriously - if this isn't a testament to embracing pleasure, masturbation and celebrating sexuality - i don't what is. Fuck botox! Go jack off!

AND - then she got to go to Annie Sprinkle's latest wedding. In Venice. During the Venice Bienniale.

Damn. That's a good month!

**Pic from here

Jon and Kate - finally a good use!

2009-09-03T13:35:00.002-04:00

So - Devil's Films is releasing a new movie.

It's called Jon and Kate F**k Eight.

Jon and Kate go for marriage counseling, and decide to save their marriage by seeing other people.

Now if only this was actually reality things might have worked out better. Gotta say this is the best Gosslin drama yet. I'd much rather watch porn than that reality show...

sex and menopause

2009-08-28T13:15:00.002-04:00

I just found a really well written and comprehensive article about sex and menopause.

If you have someone who could experience menopause in your life - check it out.

There's more about sex and menopause coming from me soon too!

Free Live Sex Show!

2009-08-26T17:01:00.003-04:00

This is kind of awesome.

Apparently, The Standard Hotel and it's floor to ceiling windows overlook the new Highline Park in NYC (i'm so jealous every time i see someone tweet about going walking on the Highline! Can't wait to check it out.). And folks like to fuck in the windows.

Seriously - who doesn't like to fuck in floor to ceiling windows looking over NYC. That's good times! And, apparently, folks have figured out that there's a good view from the Highline.

Free DIY peep shows.

God, I love New York.

*Pic from the Standard website

PP Clinic in Sioux Falls Stays Open!

2009-08-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

After I graduated from college, I worked for Planned Parenthood of MN/SD. Actually, when I started there, it was PPMN - we added SD and right after I left, they added ND.

Those of us who live on either coast may not understand what it's like to get an abortion in most of the country. It's not just making your decision, making your appointment and having the procedure. It can be an ordeal.

First, you have to get to the clinic. In many states, that involves a long drive. Of several hours (or more). Wyoming doesn't have a clinic at all. Neither does western South Dakota or North Dakota. Some states require a 24 hour waiting period between receiving counseling and having the abortion. Because, you know, women are stupid. And aren't able to make up their minds on their own. Or maybe didn't realize that having an abortion would end their pregnancy? And if you're under 18? Well, you have to notify one or both of your legal parents. Even if you don't actually have a relationship with one of them. Or, if say, one of them is in jail for abusing you and their parental rights weren't terminated (I'm not going for effect here, that actually happened to one of my clients). Of course, you can go to court to get around the parental notification rule. Which means getting to court. Not a problem if you live in a metropolitan area. But in rural areas? Well, I know one 15 year old woman who "borrowed" her parent's car in order to drive to the county seat to see the judge. 45 minutes away.

I worked with the Regional Services department of PPMNSD when we took over the Sioux Falls clinic. There, women drove more than six hours and slept in the parking lot. They couldn't afford to pay for a motel. The doctors wore bullet proof vests to go to work.

A few years ago, an abortion "informed consent" law was passed in SD.

In order for anyone to have any type of medical procedure they must sign a a release, and go through a process called informed consent. A medical professional reviews the risks and benefits of the medical procedure with the patient, answers questions, and makes sure that the patient is firm and clear in their decision to have the procedure and that there are no contraindications to the patient receiving this procedure. It's basic medicine.

And as someone who performed the informed consent and decision counseling, let me assure you, the process used at Planned Parenthood and most other clinics that provide abortion services? It's way more comprehensive than what I went thru as a patient for my tonsilectomy or my knee reconstruction.

Part of the anti choice stragey has been to pass laws that specifically dictate what must be covered when a woman is getting an abortion. You can have heart surgery or a tonsilectomy and your doctor determines what needs to be covered in informed consent, but an abortion, which is way safer than either of those two procedures? Your friendly neighborhood policitician would like to tell your doctor what to say.

These laws serve two purposes. First, they ensure that the anti-choice agenda is present in the treatment room. Second, they put an increased burden on the physician. What they don't do is improve the quality of care. Informed consent is already a critical part of providing good care and of risk management. It's the doctors who don't do good informed consent who get sued. And lose. Any doctor worth their salt is going to put an emphasis on this part of the procedure (or ensure that it is well taken care of by their staff). These laws aren't about good medicine. Or well informed patients. They are about harassment.

What's the big deal?

Generally, most of the informed consent process (with any medical procedure) is handled by nurses, counselors or other clinic staff. The physician checks in with the patient, answers additional questions and signs off on the forms (which have already been signed by the patient and every other part of the clinic staff that has seen the patient).

It's done this way for several reasons. The most obvious is money. Physician time is expensive - when you go to see your doctor, your doctor is expected to see 4-6 patients an hour depending on the type of medicine. A nurse practitioner can see fewer patients per hour, a counselor even fewer. Since doing good informed consent work takes time, it is usually performed by someone who's time is less expensive, hopefully ensuring the patient is able to get all of the attention that she needs and deserves.

Secondly, physicians are trained to perform medical services. And they're really good at that. They receive very little training in how to talk to people. They often aren't that great at it. And even less good at speaking in a way that is intelligible to someone who is not well versed in medical terminology. Telling a woman that there is an X percentage chance of uterine perforation isn't very useful when she doesn't know what perforation means.

So what happens when these "informed consent" laws are in place is this. The informed consent takes place like it always has. Then, the physician has to read the patient a statement that was prepared for them by the legislature. Not prepared by a medical professional. And in most states these statements are not even medically correct.

The SD law was particularly awful. The law requires that the physician disclose to the patient the following:

That the abortion will terminate the life of a whole separate, unique, living human being;
That the pregnant woman has an existing relationship with that unborn human being and that the relationship enjoys protection under the United States Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota;
That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her exisiting constitutional rights with regard to that relationship will be terminated;
A description of all known medical risks of the procedure and statistically significant risk factors to which the pregnant woman would be subjected, including:
Depression and related psychological distress;
Increased risk of suicide ideation and suicide;
A statement setting forth an accurate rate of deaths due to abortions, including all deaths in which the abortion procedure was a substantial contributing factor;
All other known medical risks to the physical health of the woman, including the risk of infection, hemorrage, perforation, danger to subsequent pregnancies, and infertility;
The probable gestational age of the unborn child at the time the abortion is to be performed, and a scientifically accurate statement describing the development of the unborn child at that age; and
The statistically significant medical risks associated with carrying her child to term compared to undergoing an induced abortion.

S.D. Codified Laws, 34-23A-10.1 (2006)

What's the problem here? Well, first of all, there is no good medical definition of when life begins. A definition of life and when that begins is a spiritual, religious, ethical and philosophical decision that is utterly personal. Telling a woman that her pregnancy is a "whole separate, unique, living human being" is both insulting and medically inaccurate. A fetus at 12 wks LMP is absolutely not capable of existing on it's own. For some woman, such a statement may be ethically true. But that's for her to decide.

"That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her existing constitutional rights with regard to that relationship will be terminated;" makes it sound like if something went wrong during the abortion and it was a result of medical malpractice, she would have no legal recourse. Also not true.

"Depression and related psychological distress; Increased risk of suicide ideation and suicide;" Also not true. Study after study has found that patients who were emotionally healthy before an abortion are emotionally healthy after. Patients that struggled with their mental health before an abortion may have increased symptoms after, just as they would be at increased risk for symptoms after any stressful event. Furthermore, these individuals would be at significantly increased risk of post partum depression or psychosis. Even Regan's Surgeon General C. Everret Koop found that there was no increased risk to a woman's mental health after an abortion. And he was (is) prolife. Every clinic in which I have worked has taken the mental health of our clients very seriously. And clients with pre-existing mental health issues were provided with additional support and follow up.

"All other known medical risks" - well, this part isn't a big deal. It was already covered. In detail. And, may I remind you, an abortion is always safer than a full term pregnancy and delivery. And all women receiving abortions are pregnant. So a full term pregnancy and delivery? Yeah, that's the only other choice.

PP refused to follow this law for multiple reasons (although they have always engaged in a comprehensive informed consent process) and has been engaged in legal battles over it since 2005. Which of course is costing money on both sides that could be better spent on things like, oh, WIC programs, accurate and useful (eg. not abstinance based) sex education, reduced cost or free birth control including Plan B (the morning after pill), etc.

Recently, the Health Department threatened to shut down the Sioux Falls clinic. Last week, a court decision came down that allowed the facility to remain open. The physician still has to tell the patient that "the abortion will terminate the life of a whole separate, unique, living human being". But, they don't have to state the crap about suicide.

So, for now, the clinic stays open. And women from South Dakota still have access to abortion services. Although they have to jump through absurd hoops.

I have counseled thousands of women seeking abortions. The truth is, for all of the women that needed counseling, a shoulder to cry on, or for someone to tell them that it was ok for them to not have an abortion and continue the pregnancy, the vast majority of the women I saw knew what they wanted. They'd thought it through. They were clear that having a child at this point was not a good option for them and/or their families. Women aren't stupid. Never once did a client say to me, "Really? You mean if I have this baby the father will have to pay child support? I had no idea!"

These laws aren't about supporting women. They are about restricting access. And controling women.

So here's to a small victory in South Dakota. That leads to a much bigger victory. Another day of providing the women of South Dakota with the ability to control their own destiny.

Want to support the clinic in South Dakota? Click here.

To support political action - PP of MN, ND and SD Action Fund

To donate funds in support of the SD Clinic email gifts@ppmns.org

Want to support an agency that fights for abortion rights? Click here.

NARAL

NAF

Or support a woman in need of an abortion who can't afford one? An average first trimester abortion costs $300-600 depending on where you are in the country and is often not covered by insurance (if you have insurance).

NNAF

Condom Olympics!

2009-08-25T12:20:00.002-04:00

next time someone tell's you their dick is too big to use a condom. refer them to this.

as a former pageant girl myself, it's awesome to see contestants doing good and having fun!

courtesy (i'm ashamed to say) of www.tmz.com

i'll admit it. i was looking at info about MJs death...

Porn star return to Florida to Dance

2009-08-23T15:45:00.002-04:00

Jazella Moore, the porn star who is married to Scott Janke, the former City Manager of Fort Meyer's Beach, FL is returning to Fort Meyers.

After her husband was fired, both she and her husband left town. According to AIN, she has been performing since - and is coming back to Florida as a feature performer at the local strip club.

Admission is $20. And that's before paying for a dance.

That's the way to work it!

Night sweats: another michfest blog

2009-08-22T12:25:00.003-04:00

Friday night I went to bed early.

I lay in my tent with a fine drizzle pitter patting on the fly and listening to Amy Ray's voice echo thru the trees. I love the Indigo Girls. And I love Amy Ray's solo stuff. It's gritty melodic. Part of me really wanted to be at the show. But I had three workshops to teach the next day. And one of them was new. I curled up in my nest of clothes, shoes and slightly damp pillows and fell asleep with Amy Ray dancing in my ears.

Part way thru the night I woke up. Desperate to pee. Only to find that sweet drizzle had grown into a torrential down pour. I practiced kegels. I prayed for a break in the rain. The rain was very determined. Finally I did that thing that you aren't supposed to do, but most of us end up doing at some point during the week: I darted out of the tent and peed in the woods. Walking to the porta janes was just not an option. Not only would I have been even more soaked. But I wouldn't have made it.

So, a little wet, but pleased i hadn't actually peed IN the tent, I crawled back in and went to sleepy town. Again.

By morning, the rain hadn't exactly stopped. It had more eased off into something like those mist-ers they have on the streets in Palm Springs. Except damper. And not at all refreshing. I pulled on some moist clothes and trundled off to the Saints for a hot coffee. Or three. Came back gripping my coffee like it was a life giving elixir (which it was) and sat under the grotto smoking, caffeinating and reviewing my notes for the morning workshop.

This morning I was teaching my sex and menopause workshop for the first time and I was nervous. You see, I'm 37. And I'm not peri-menopausal. When you're teaching about sex people want you to have personal experience in the specific thing that you're teaching. Which makes sense and doesn't. Everyone's body is different. And no-one expects the civil war teacher to have been there....

But my partner is 12 years older than me, and we have a lot of customers at the store that are in various stages of menopause, so the subject has become something I'm really interested in. Especially because the culture I grew up in had a tendency to talk about older women as sexually "over". Anytime you tell me that a woman is finished sexually, I get skeptical. And I've never understood why an "older" person would be less sexy. God knows I'm a hell of a lot better in bed now than when I was 18. Why would the learning curve stop?

Which is part of why I've always been attracted to women that are a little bit older than me. I look for those hot little lines by the eyes that tell me a woman has lived some life and learned some things. I love those lines. They make my stomach flip.

I've been working on this workshop for months, but purposely put off teaching it until Michigan. Because Michigan womyn won't let me get away with shit. If I'm saying something stupid - they'll tell me. I was counting on it. And a bit frightened of it.

All week, I'd been hearing from different women that they were looking forward to this particular workshop. 35 years ago this festival was founded by women in their 20s. You do the math.

I looked doubtfully at the sky and wondered if I'd even get to teach. But festies are intrepid. So my rain boots, my purse, my notes and I trotted off to the workshop area. I had to spend a little time looking for the workshop area. Usually, I teach in Area 9. That's where they put all of the sex workshops. It's a bit out of the way, and the actual workshop area is down a longer path. It helps keep kids away (not that I've ever had any problem with girls trying to get into workshops they shouldn't be in -they know the rules 18 and over). But this workshop wasn't in Area 9. Which offended me a little bit. What - we aren't going to be dirty because we're talking about menopause? It's going on my comment form.

There were about 4 women waiting for me in the workshop area. I sat down on a tarp covered stump. We waited a bit longer and a few more showed up. It was still misting. We started talking. I was learning a lot. But I was a little off my game. The mist became drizzle. We kept going.

Then it started to pour. My notes started to run. I looked around at the women who were gamely trying to stay present as rain poured off our hoods and onto our noses. And suggested that we adjourn to the Sugar tent back in the crafts area. And so we did.

On the way I stopped by the workshop coordinator's tent and told them that if it was still raining at noon, I wasn't teaching my ass play workshop. Not going to talk about relaxing muscles while it's cold and raining and we're all holding our bodies tensely wondering if our tents are staying dry. It's not conducive to learning.

So we tromped back to the Sugar tent and stood around, shoulder to shoulder and finished the workshop. It certainly wasn't the best workshop I ever taught. But I learned a lot. The most important thing that I learned was that we need space to talk about this. The changes that happen in our bodies during menopause are pretty big. Many women still have satisfying sex lives, but our bodies work differently. And knowing that we aren't alone is critically important. Remember when we were teenagers and our bodies were doing all kinds of crazy shit and we felt alone and freakish? The hormonal shifts of menopause are just as big. And create some of the same feelings. I know that some of the technical info I shared was useful, but even more useful was holding the space for women to hear from each other that they weren't alone. Or weird. I was honored to be there. And honored that these amazing women trusted this 37 year young woman to share their space.

So, thank you women, and thank you Michigan for giving me these gifts. I'll treasure them.

And I'm just a little bit more grateful for the roof on my house when it rains and I don't get even a little bit wet.

Clitoral research!

2009-08-21T17:49:00.002-04:00

The LA Times recently published an article about Kim Wallen, an Emory University professor's research.

The theory is that folks who have less distance between their clit and their vaginal opening are more likely to have orgasms from just penetration.

Which makes perfect sense - the closer those two things are, the more indirect clitoral stimualtion a person would receive from penetration.

I'm wondering how he will differentiate g-spot stimulation in his study...

Anyway, check it out!

Gender, running and why science can't tell us what sex we are

2009-08-21T16:08:00.006-04:00

For those of you haven't heard yet, there is a young South African woman who is a runner. And she's kicking ass and taking names. So, the IAAF checked her out for steroids - good idea. Steroids are bad. But she was clean. She's just that good.

She's muscly, and has extremely short hair, and girls aren't usually that fast, so, since she wasn't on steroids, she had to be a man right?

Yeah. I'm still stuck on the "girls aren't that fast part".

So there's been all kinds of hoop la. People saying that this question is absurd. Other folks saying that she "must be a man". Her mother saying that she's a woman.

But people do all kinds of crazy things for success in sports. On some level, although it's absurd, I can see how someone could ask the question. Remember the kid who was a baseball player and everyone that it was amazing that someone his age could be so good. Until they found out that he was really four years older?

Most of the coverage has been stupid and sensationalized. Until the New York Times. As I read quotes from the article to my best friend, we both teared up. It's the first time I've seen a main stream news source, hell, "the paper of record" acknowledge that gender is "messy".

“It turns out genes, hormones and genitals are pretty complicated,” Alice Dreger, a professor of medical humanities and bioethics at Northwestern University, said in a telephone interview. “There isn’t really one simple way to sort out males and females. Sports require that we do, but biology doesn’t care. Biology does not fit neatly into simple categories, so they do these tests. And part of the reason I’ve criticized the tests is that a lot of times, the officials don’t say specifically how they’re testing and why they’re using that test. It should be subject to scientific review.”

And then, they ended the article with this:

“But at the end of the day, they are going to have to make a social decision on what counts as male and female, and they will wrap it up as if it is simply a scientific decision,” Dreger said. “And the science actually tells us sex is messy. Or as I like to say, ‘Humans like categories neat, but nature is a slob.’ ” [italics added]

Since then, they have published an editorial written by Alice Dreger about the complexities of gender and defining gender scientifically. It's an incredibly informative editorial.

All of us should read it. Like now.

at the end of the day, these doctors are not going to be able to run a test that will answer the question. Science can and will inform their decision, but they are going to have to decide which of the dozens of characteristics of sex matter to them.

In the end, their decision will be like the consensus regarding how many points are awarded for a touchdown and a field goal — it will be a sporting decision, not a natural one, about how we choose to play the game of sex.

Thank you Alice Dreger. And I'm buying your book.

Funny, that science doesn't support a binary gender system. Wonder why....

I'd also add that Semenya seems to identify as a woman. Which is good enough for me.

**pic from the NYT article

Amazon Women Rise

2009-08-20T14:28:00.007-04:00

Wednesday night at Michigan is the Opening Ceremony. M and K had arrived and redecorated the grotto - making a bit fancier. and a bit more, well, tie dyed. Which for some reason is actually charming in the woods.

But do not. Ever. Introduce anything tie dyed to my living room and I will quietly kill you with sarcasm. Or with very, very bland food. And cruel looks.

I even liked the fancy goddess banners.

After a day selling sex toys with the lovely Jenae, a dinner of Indian Curry and oddly large broccoli spears, we all showered re-dressed, grabbed our officially short enough chairs and trotted off to the main stage. Just in time for the opening ceremony.

The weather was perfect. The light was beautiful. The field was packed with women. Ubaka Hill drummed. Ruth Barret chanted. Ferron sang Imagine as women rose with signs lettered with words.

I love Ferron. There is something so compelling about her gravelly voice. It gets under your skin and holds you up. More women kept standing with more words. It was beautiful.

Then it was time.

For the annual singing of Amazon Women Rise.
Call it cheesey. Call it woo woo.

It's power. It's amazing. Thousands of women, singing and dancing the same song at the same time in the same place for 34 years.

Earlier that day ATB had been joking about it. I'd promised her that I'd come and find her and we'd rise. She was thinking she was too cool for the rising. So M and I ran over to the smoking ok/chem ok section and found the Chicago gyrlls.

Here's the secret. No one is too cool for this moment. Every woman rises. From the 80 year old woman in her wheel chair, the 43 year old pregnant woman in a loin cloth, the 30 year old tattooed hipster ro 6 year old little girl blowing bubbles who's thrilled that she gets to wear her tutu every day for a week. We all rise in our own way. With smiles on our faces and joy sparkling in the air. We rise.

TSA, Gender and trans folk trying to fly....

2009-08-19T13:14:00.005-04:00

Last week the TSA started to implement new regulations.

It's called the Secure Flight Program.

Secure Flight matches the name, date of birth and gender information for each passenger against government watch lists to:
Identify known and suspected terrorists
Prevent individuals on the No Fly List from boarding an aircraft
Identify individuals on the Selectee List for enhanced screening
Facilitate passenger air travel
Protect individuals' privacy
After matching passenger information against government watch lists, Secure Flight transmits the matching results back to aircraft operators.
From the TSA website 8/18/09

When you purchase an airline ticket you now need to provide your gender. There are only two boxes: female and male. At the airport, the TSA will not let you thru security unless both the name and gender on your legal ID (drivers license, passport, etc.) match the name and gender on your ticket.

The idea is to increase the accuracy of the watch list. Say there is someone on the terrorist watch list who is named Kerry Anderson and that person is male. This would prevent all Kerry Andersons who are female from being pulled out of line and going thru extra security screenings. Frankly, although it's annoying, it makes some sense.

Of course, this is going to add an additional layer for folks who are trans and going thru security. Hell, it could make stuff a little dicey for anyone who's not gender normative. Of course going thru security or customs as a trans person wasn't easy before.

I flew yesterday. I'm cis gendered, but when I was going thru security at the Boston airport I asked a few questions.

Here's how the conversation went.

Me: "Hey, can I ask you a couple questions about the new policies in relation to gender and IDs?"

TSA agent: "Sure"

Me: "I have a lot of friends who are trans gendered - their gender appearance doesn't match the gender on their driver's license. What should they do? What will happen when they hand you their stuff?"

TSA agent (looking a little bit nervous, but willing to listen): "Well if we have any questions, first we'd call over the supervisor"

Me: "Would it help if they brought a Dr's note? You see, my brother is on testosterone and he looks like a guy, but on his driver's license his name says Judy and his gender says female"

Other TSA Agent steps in: "Hormones don't change certain facial structures like your nose, or the shape of your eyes. That's the stuff we look at. It'll be fine for him. We understand. And we don't judge."

Which was nice to hear. But I was in Boston. In the first state in the nation where same sex marriage became legal. And the second agent was clearly better educated on trans stuff. I'm willing to bet the reaction would have been a little bit different in, say, Alabama, or Idaho.

I also sent an email to the TSA and am waiting to hear back from them. I'll let you know what I hear (if I hear back at all). The National Center for Transgender Equality has been in communication with the TSA about the new policy, so the TSA is aware of the issue. But I doubt that will filter down to every agent checking IDs.

Here are my suggestions for getting thru security if you are trans and your name and gender on your DL don't match your gender presentation. These suggestions are based simply on my years of experience in working with bureaucracy, federal programs and folks who are on the front line enforcing policies. These are not suggestions from the TSA or any other organization. They may not be politically correct, but they are designed to get you thru security with as little drama as possible. The NCTE has some suggestions that may be more politically correct - click here for those.

1) Buy your plane tickets under the name and gender on your driver's license/state issued identity card (DL). Double check your itinerary to make sure everything is correct (I saw a guy this weekend who had to go back to the ticket counter because his name on his license and his ticket didn't match and I'm pretty sure he wasn't trans).

2) Use your DL as your ID. I've noticed the TSA agents spend more time examining other documents - even passports.

3) Check your DL picture. How much does it not look like you? If it's really different (significantly shorter hair, major weight loss, etc.), think about "losing" your DL and getting a new one with a picture that looks more like you.

4) Get a letter from a medical professional on letter head that states you are transgendered and documents your legal name and gender.

This what I'd suggest for the text of the letter:

****** was identified as [gender] at birth, but now identifies as [blank]. ***** has undergone medical treatments in order to have their appearance match their gender identity, but they have not yet legally changed their name or gender. As their medical provider I can attest that this person is legally ****** and [gender].

If you can have the clinician cut and paste a current picture of you into the letter, that could help.

Most cities have a sliding scale clinic where you could get a letter such as this.

And yes, I know that you may identify as a gender other than male or female. The TSA agent needs a box to put you in so that you can get on your plane. Give them a box. Fight the battle to eliminate the gender binary when you don't have a plane to catch. Or a cavity search to avoid.

5) Self disclose when you hand the TSA agent your info - I recognize as a cis gendered person I do not fully understand how scary that could be. People from a group which is marginalized are not the folks who should be responsible for doing the education, but in this case, I think it will save you a lot of trouble and drama. A very simple, "I know my appearance doesn't match my legal gender, I'm trans. This is my legal name and gender. I have a letter from my doctor here as well," could help prevent a delay and reduce the amount of time you have to spend dealing with a legal system which marginalizes all folks who don't fit easily into a gender box.

***

If you are some one who doesn't identify as trans, but presents in a way that is outside of dominant culture gender norms, check your DL. If the picture of you is from when you were a girly sorority girl and now you are a muscly butch with a shaved head - "lose" your license and get a new one with a new picture. A lot can change in the years between DL pictures. Even more between passport pictures. Hell, things have been a little faster for me at the airport since my DL picture now has my pink hair.

If you have any problems, please contact the National Center for Transgender Equality at 202-903-0112 so that they can follow up with the TSA

***btw - Owen's birth name is not Judy. He doesn't choose to share his birth name with many folks, so I don't either***

Non-monogamy and Feminism

2009-08-19T12:54:00.002-04:00

Check out this article about the intersections of non-monogamy and feminism. Really interesting stuff!

Nonmonogamy and Feminism: A Happy Couple

Thanks to The Undomestic Goddess for pointing this out!

Julie and Julia

2009-08-18T12:54:00.002-04:00

This weekend, we went to see the Julie Julia movie. Which I was super excited about because I loved the book (the Julie Julia Project). And I'll watch Meryl Streep act in almost anything.

The movie was lovely. It portrayed two couples in supportive relationships (and yes, I know that Julie Powell has had problems with her marriage since - and picked up the pieces). And it is so rare to see good marriages portrayed in Hollywood.

And, I don't know how accurate the depiction of Julia Child was, but, I walked out of the theatre thinking that I'd found a kindred spirit. I know what it's like to lay down on a bed and have your feet hang off. I know what it's like to tower over your partner. And to be gleeful about small things. And loud. And a little clumsy. And to build counters that are higher than normal in your kitchen.

But here was my take home message. In my memory, Julia Child was one of the most influential cooks in the United States. In fact, she's probably the first cook I could name.

She didn't find her passion until she was almost 40. She was almost 50 before her first book was published - and the book wasn't even her idea (although it became very much hers). She wasn't on TV for another two years. Julia Child was in her 50s when her career really started going. Julia. Child.

And she may not have done it if it weren't for the solid, strong support of a loving partner.

So often all we hear about are people in their teens and twenties who run in and do amazing things. Which is great. But we still get messages that life is over at some point. That just isn't true. Grandma Moses started painting in her 70s. She painted for 30 years. One of her paintings is in the White House.

I'm thrilled. What's going to happen in the next 50 years? What amazing things will I learn?

Wheeeee!

**btw- both Meryl Streep and Amy Adams were brilliant in this movie. And how lovely to get to eat that stuff while you're at work!!

The Gold Vibrator Sells!

2009-08-15T14:13:00.007-04:00

Who says we're in a recession?!

A few months ago, Lelo, one of my favorite sex toy makers, introduced a new line of "Lux" toys. And by "Lux" they mean gold plated.

I'll admit, when I saw them, I was a bit perplexed. It felt like something that would be more appropriate in the 80s or 90s. When the folks who had money were throwing it around like crazy. A $2000 vibrator when most of the folks with cash have just lost a lot of it in the stock market?

But I was wrong.

Lelo just sold their first Yva vibe for $2,229 to a woman in New Zealand.

Damn! Good for them. And, no doubt for the buyer. Metal is sexy. And every Lelo product I've ever used has been fabulous.

Of course, as far as I can tell, it's an upgraded Nea Vibe. Which we sell. And that's only $82...

In which i finally get to the Land with cheesy ass tears in my eyes

2009-08-15T12:54:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning I woke up in the crusty motel room and hustled out in record time.

I began my Sunday morning in Grand Rapids before Michigan ritual. I'm pretty damn predictable. There are certain things that I can be relied on to do. One of them is my this Starbucks, Target, Meijers, drive to the land, get lost a little, finally arrive at the land.

28th Street in GR is a Big Box paradise. There is a Starbucks (drive thru no less) in the Target parking lot. I got my Nonfat Venti Iced Latte in my re-usable cup. And a cinnamon chip scone. My tradition and nourishing pre-mich breakfast. I promptly left the scone on the counter.

Then on to Target for fishing line, canned espresso, one of those tape deck thingies that lets a girl listen to her iphone on the stereo, and a few other things.

In the parking lot I ran into Kristin and Madeline, fellow crafters and fabulous women. We hugged. I jumped up and down and clapped my hands. Then: Meijers. Where they have heat treated milk in boxes so that I can make lattes on the land. I am seriously addicted to caffeine. I refuse to live without it. And Pop Tarts.

As I got back in the car, S called. We were happily chattering away when I saw the sign for 131. The highway splits at Muskegan. Every year, I don't take the split and end up in downtown Muskegan. But this year I was smarter. And hopped right on 131.

Except I wasn't supposed to be on 131. I was supposed to be on 31. The highway splits twice. Brilliant. I've made this drive from Baltimore many times, but I have yet to actually get it right. At first I drove along happily, patted myself on the back repeatedly for not ending up in downtown Muskegan, chuckled with the special Lutheran episode of Prairie Home Companion and gleefully sang along to "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God". I started to notice that some things weren't looking right. So I checked the directions on my trusty iphone. I had just driven about, oh, an hour out of my way.

Which meant that I got to explore some of the back roads of Michigan. It didn't really suck.

Eventually, I pulled thru the little one stop light town closest to the land, passed the fields with lacy asparagus dancing in the breeze, the homes with boxes of fruits and giant zucchini accompanied by a handwritten torn cardboard sign next to a cup for money and turned onto the dirt road that leads to the land. I was hopping up and down in my seat with glee. And tearing up a little. Because I'm a sap.

The car, trailer and I bumped cautiously down the road until the gate came into view. It's an old metal gate decorated with ribbons and other stuff. Womyn sit just inside around a fire pit, each car is greeted as we enter.

"Hi - welcome! Are you a crafts womyn?"

"Yes!"

"I see you're well stocked." she said, eyeing the pringles, twizzlers and pop tarts that littered the front seat. Geez. Unlike some dykes, I'm not driving half way across the country on grapes, soy nuts and nutritional yeast. Preservatives, caffeine and nicotine are where it's at for long drives.

She then directed me to my next check point, where I left the ticket for Jenae at HAG (Hold At Gate), said hi to the crafting crew, got banded and got my parking pass. Once you are on the land, it's 5 miles an hour. And they mean it. I've gotten corrected for going 7 MPH. There are a lot of rules on this land. And I've learned that it's best to just follow them. I chugged along, did some more paper work and finally showed up at the crafts area.

I triple, quadruple checked that I knew which booth space was mine. Every year someone unloads in the wrong space and has to move all their shit. Hell no. After a bunch of sweating, some swearing and my first bottle of water from the land, the crap was loaded, the store tent was up, all the stock was safe. I watched two women have to move all their shit after they set up in the wrong spot. Double checked my spot again. It was good. And I was starting to smell. It was official. I had arrived.

It was time to set up The Grotto.

*Thanks to Miranda for the Pic of Lois Lane - the main road on the Land.

And the men take it off south o' the Mason Dixson

2009-08-14T18:00:00.003-04:00

Nashville, Tennessee has some new treats.

A strip club with male dancers is opening.

GASP!!!

The club is called Arrow Nashville. It looks like they are still looking for a few good men. But the grand opening is scheduled for Labor Day weekend

The club used to be a strip club that featured women dancers, but they did some renovations and:

Wakefield's renovation included replacing the brass dancing pole.
"We decided to man it up - stainless steel for a tougher look to it," said Wakefield.

Of course! 'cause brass isn't butch enough.

Some members of the City Council are pissed. Because as Metro Councilman Michael Craddock said:

"I'm sick to my stomach - I'm just absolutely sick," said Craddock. "It's different for a man to show himself than a woman. It's another step in the wrong direction."

WHAT?! Exactly how is it different Mr. Craddock? Please tell me. It sounds like you're saying that since stripping is most often women's work, it's demeaning for a man to do it. Or perhaps that a dick is more valuable and precious than a cunt. But, you can't actually mean that. Because then you would be a sexist asshole.

Let City Councilman Carddock know what you think of his statements:

michael.craddock@nashville.gov

(615) 226-0521

Thanks to Kate Bornstein for pointing this one out!

Strippers win their due.

2009-08-13T17:56:00.003-04:00

I love stories like this.

Stippers are usually treated as independent contractors. But in most clubs, they have hours, they get fined if they are late, and all kinds of other things that technically make them employees. But by making the independent contractors, employers get to evade things like dealing with payroll tax, or needing to offer people things like, oh, health care, vacation, retirement plans, etc.

King Arthur's Lounge did not pay the strippers any salaries, required each to pony up a $35 fee to perform each night, and kept $10 of every $30 that each made for ''private dancing'' in video-monitored booths, according to a state judge who granted a stripper's motion for summary judgment on the issue of liability.

The club had argued that selling alcohol is its main business, not putting on strip shows, and that the performers were independent contractors who provided extra entertainment akin to televisions and pool tables at a sports bar.

But, in Boston, a group of women who work(ed) at the King Arthur's Club sued. And won.

Hearts.

Sex work is work. And sex workers deserve the same rights and benefits as any other workers.

Thanks to Spread Magazine for pointing this win out! And if you aren't familiar with Spread, you should check them out. They'll be one of the first magazine's we carry in the store - when we add magazine's that is : )

Why I heart Hampden

2009-08-13T14:55:00.004-04:00

Because I get to see this everyday (on the Cafe Hon building kitty corner from our building)

Thanks to the Blonde Photographer for her awesome pics! And, she's a pretty damn nice n fun person : )

the journey. or how i bash the rental trailer.

2009-08-13T13:05:00.005-04:00

It was that time of year again. Time to go to Michigan.

Michigan (or the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival - note the "y") is a touchstone of my year. It is the oldest and largest women only music festival in the country. Yep, women only. All other genders are excluded. Except for when folks who aren't women are escorted on the land to perform important duties. Like sucking out the porta janes. Or delivering another semi trailer of food. Michigan is a space that was started by lesbian separatist feminists, so, no men, or people who identify as other genders. Women who identify as women, but not as lesbians are welcome.

* Lesbian separatism is a philosophy that come from an understanding that we live in a patriarchy and that fighting the patriarchy only serves to feed it, so if we really want to end the patriarchy, with drawing all energy from it is the most appropriate response. *

No I don't identify as a lesbian separatist. But I do see the point. And women/womyn/wimmin only spaces are part of the reason that I am still in the world today.

Having a week a year in which I am surrounded only by other women, specifically feminist, most often lesbian womyn feeds me. I spend a week where everything surrounding me has been done by womyn from laying the plumbing for the showers to the cooking food for thousands, to the tractor drivers, to the performances. Michigan is part of how I mark my life. It provides me with grounding and strength to be in the world thru the rest of the year. I honestly don't know what I would do if this land, this place, this community didn't come into being every year.

Every year, Owen and I clash about Michigan. It's an exclusive space. It is not welcoming of folks who do not identify as women. And as the trans community grows, the line of where women end and other genders begins gets blurry. It's a valid concern. One about which I have mixed feelings. More about that in another post.

But here's what I know for sure. I need Michigan. I need that week.

*****

For some reason, getting to Michigan is always drama. This is the third year that Sugar has sold in the Crafts Area. And I've learned. This year all of the stock was in the store by Thursday and carefully sorted into plastic drawers by toy type. I picked up the trailer on Friday. It was loaded by 4 PM. All that remained was packing my clothes (yes, that is a bit of an amazonian undertaking - the fest may be in the woods, but that doesn't mean I don't need seven different pairs of shoes including stilletos). I drove the trailer out of the store parking lot (the lot is too small to handle the SUV and the trailer). Drove down the block and went over a bump. The trailer made an odd noise. But trailers make odd noises. I found a spot big enough for the ginormous trailer and parked. A young man started hammering furiously on the passenger window.

"You hit that lady's car!"

What? I didn't hit a car. I would have noticed if I hit a car. But I did hear that odd noise...

So, I dutifully followed him back up the block.

Apparently, when I went over the bump, the trailer jostled and hit and bent the running board of a Ford Expedition. That noise? Not a normal trailer noise.

So, a police report was filed. Insurance info was exchanged. And I rushed back to work just in time to be late for my pre-festival hair cut.

After I was cleaned up and prettified, I started to be concerned about if the insurance info I had given the owner of the car was correct. You see, the car I'm driving is S's car. And the insurance card I had was expired. I was starting to have a dim memory of her getting a new policy last fall. And, I started to worry about telling S about the accident. It's never good when your GF's car is involved in an accident. And it's all your fault.

So, in the midst of panicking, I decided to go home and check on the insurance thing. I'd been trying to call S for a while, but she was working and wasn't answering the phone. So I closed the store and headed home.

After parking at home, I gave the trailer the once over. Which was a good thing. Because the running board on that Expedition had a sharp end. One of the trailer tires had been slashed and rapidly going flat. And the tire rim was bent.

Did I mention that the trailer was fully loaded? So, filled with self recrimination I embarked on a pity/beating myself up party that involved sobs, strange looks from the dogs, melting dramatically to the floor and then sniffily working myself up to calling the insurance companies, getting the Expedition owner the correct policy number and figuring out what crap I was going to do next (no worries - these over dramatic melt downs never happen in front of other people - only in front of dogs - ok they may also happen in front of S).

In the meantime, S called, reassured me that she still loved me even though I'd smashed the trailer.

Then Uhaul did the unthinkable. They sent out a tow truck and replaced the tire. Yep - they fixed it like it was no big deal! Soooo grateful. The insurance companies took all of the reports. The dogs licked me. I packed my clothes and crawled into bed. Where I proceeded to lay awake like a kid waiting for Santa.

The next morning I got up, took care of the dogs and hit the road. For the first time in three years, I managed to get on the road before noon. In fact, it was before 10!

Off I went thru the mountains of Maryland and West Virginia, up thru Columbus and into Michigan.

Just as it got dark, I realized the lights on the trailer weren't working.

So, I pulled over somewhere south of Ann Arbor. This was one of those moments when I realized that I am indeed an adult. Not so many years ago I would have kept driving and ended up in a ditch after I got smashed by a tractor trailer who didn't see me. Dildos would have decorated the high way. It would have been on the news. But no, I stopped. And called Uhaul. And they sent someone to fix it.

Turns out the fuse that supplies the juice to the trailer had shorted out. The nice guy replaced it with one of the back up fuses in the fuse box. I was back on the road.

Two exits later the lights went out again.

Which made sense. The back up fuse was probably ten years old. So I stopped at the next exit, bought a new fuse and used the tweezers from my makeup bag to replace it.

Because I'm a power femme. And tweezers or eyelash glue can fix almost anything.

A few hours, lots of caffine and some twizzlers later, I finally arrived in Grand Rapids. With a full bladder and a sleepy head.

I showed up at the hotel where I had a reservation to find: no one. There was a sign announcing that the front desk closed at 11. There was a phone for afterhours help. No one answered the phone. Finally after calling consistently for about 10 minutes and calling Expedia someone answered, came to the desk and let me check in.

When I got to the room, the indoor lock was broken off, the floor hadn't been vacummed and the room smelled a little funny. Creepy. I slept in my clothes with a t-shirt over the pillow. It was entirely too late to pitch a fit and get a different room or my money back. I should have spent the extra $20 to stay at a better place. Lesson learned.

The next morning I charged the rechargable toys, showered in my flip flops, made sure to touch as little as possible and was off!

Phalates - still not so good for you

2009-07-28T16:05:00.004-04:00

Phthalates are chemicals used in a lot of different products - particularly soft rubber products - including IV tubing, sex toys, shower curtains, baby toys, cosmetics, nail polish - you name it.

These chemicals have linked to liver problems, and possibly, to cancer.

Two new studies have been released regarding phthlatates.

The first was a German study on newborns fed thru IV tubing. The tubing was made using phalates. It showed an increase in liver problems. The study was small and certainly not definitive. Not surprisingly, the folks who manufacture stuff with phalates say that it's a bunch of bunk.

Several hospitals have already switched to phalate free tubing. Because, why take a chance that the phthlates may have a negative impact on a delicate newborn

The next study is where it gets really interesting. There have been concerns about the effects of phalates on the reproductive system. Especially on testosterone based reproductive systems.

Phalates can disrupt androgens. Certain phalates can lower testosterone levels. In other words, they can have an effect on the development of a fetal reproductive system resulting in:

...irreversible demasculinisation and malformations of sex organs among male offspring.

Not sexy words.

In our chemically based society, we experience multiple exposure to anti-androgens from multiple sources including pesticides, beauty products and certain rubber materials. Some scientists in Denmark, decided to investigate what kind of effect these multiple exposures can have on the sexual development of a rat.

They found:

Strikingly, the effect of combined exposure to the selected chemicals...was synergistic, and the observed responses were greater than would be predicted from the toxicities of the individual chemicals.

These results were found even when each of the chemical exposures was at a dosage equal to a no-observed-adverse-effect-level (NOAEL). But the combination of these "safe" dosages resulted in a noticable effect on fetal sexual development.

In other words, even though each individual dosage was "safe", the combined exposures resulted in a noticible impact on external sex characteristics.

Why the hell do you care? Did you see the part about phthlates in sex toys?

Adult bodies are dramatically different than developing fetal bodies. It is possible (but I'd posit not likely) that exposure to phalates has no effect on the adult body. So maybe we don't need to worry about it. Or maybe we do. Especially if the person is pregnant. In which case, using a sex toy that contains phthlates may expose the fetus to these potentially damaging chemicals.

Pregnant or not, it just doesn't seem smart to take a chance by using sex toys with phthlates. Especially when there are plenty of options of other materials that are body safe. And last longer.

Sex toys that have phthalates in them may be cheaper. Sometimes purchasing higher quality toys isn't a financial option. Using condoms on your toys can lower any risk significantly. But,
saving your pennies and purchasing a higher quality toy is always worth it.

So, buy phalate free sex toys. Avoid that weird sex toy smell. Stick with products that you believe are safe.

And buy your toys from folks that care about what the toys are made of. Places like Sugar, or the Smitten Kitten, or Self Serve or....

Click here for a link to a PDF of the study: Synergistic Disruption of External Male Sex Organ Development by a Mixture of Four Antiandrogens

Yum

2009-07-28T15:50:00.003-04:00

Um.

I want this.

Boobs. Full of pudding. For the second time today - why didn't I think of this!!

The only thing that would make it better is if you didn't have to turn the boobs upside down to eat them.

And if they were chocolate.

With chocolate dipping sauce. But caramel's pretty damn good...

Thanks Fleshbot for pointing this out!

All you can eat sex in Germany

2009-07-28T13:01:00.003-04:00

Brothels all over the world have been hit by the economic down turn. Which means that sex workers are suffering. Brothels outside of Vegas are down by 20-70%. Part of that has to do with people traveling less - less business travel, inflated fuel costs, but part of it is likely to be an overall downturn in the utilization of professional sex services.

Hell, everyone I know in any part of the industry, from sex toys to porn to professional domination services has seen a downturn in the past several months. Things do seem to be on the way back up. And I'm grateful as hell. But all of us are still dealing with the repercussions of this crappy economy.

As women (and some men and trans folk) experience the effects of the lousy economy, some turn to the sex industry. It's a reasonable option for women who can work as exotic dancers or commercial sex workers in a safe, legal environment. But, demand for sex services has decreased. Decreased demand plus increased supply usually results in lower prices. Which sucks. Because who wants to charge less for their work? Especially if the work involves their body.

Several brothels in Germany have responded to this by offering what is essentially an all you can eat and/or fuck option. In stead of charging per service or encounter, a base price (100 euros) is paid and then then male client has free access to the brothel and all the food and women he can fuck. In any way that he chooses to fuck.

The government of Germany has expressed some concern that this is resulting in worker exploitation. In fact, they recently raided four brothels that are part of a brothel chain called the Pussy Club (thank god someone named a brothel the Pussy Club! do you think they have t-shirts?). Two of the brothels were closed. Due to unsanitary conditions (ICK!!! - seriously - any business that deals with body fluids should be spotless - IMHO).

According to the owner of these clubs, the workers are paid between 100-300 euros a day regardless of the number of clients they see. Business is estimated to be off by around 30% across the board in German Brothels.

So, is this exploitation of workers? I don't know. It depends on how it plays out in the club. And what amount of choice the workers are allowed to have. Based on the sanitary conditions that were found in the club, I'd hazard a guess that the workers are being exploited. If they aren't bothering to clean the massage tables or the whirlpool? I'd bet they aren't being respectful to the workers.

But who's responsibility is that? Since sex work is legal, the worker could theoretically go to work in a different place. Undoubtedly, for some workers that is easier said than done. Many sex workers in Germany are illegal immigrants - which limits job opportunities. Legal workers also encounter barriers - transportation, flexibility of hours, child care, etc.

Which leads me to my final point. Unions. Sounds like a union is needed. When the government gets involved in regulation in the sex industry, often it is the workers who get hurt. But when the workers negotiate with management to set the rules, things tend to work out in a more equitable, less paternalistic fashion. Of course, a union isn't likely to provide protection to the undocumented workers, but it could help to establish an industry standard. Which may end up providing some better treatment for all members of the industry.

So - here's to unions. And sex workers standing up for their rights. And receiving the unequivocal support of workers from all industries. Work is work. And each of us deserves to work in a safe, non-exploitative environment.

porn. shot on the iphone

2009-07-28T12:19:00.003-04:00

now i REALLY need to get the new iphone.

pink visual, the "leader" in porn content for the iphone, just shot a scene entirely on the new iphone 3Gs. you can watch the trailer here.

***just FYI - i don't know anything about how Pink Visual treats their performers, nor have i seen any of their work other than this trailer (which is funny and hot) so i can't vouch for (or not vouch for) how well they fit into my definition of sex positive porn***

so, although apple is sticking to their guns about not allowing adult iphone aps. that doesn't mean you can't watch porn on your iphone. or shoot it (wheels turning in head/kicking self for not thinking of it first).

grin.

it's nice to see people using technology for good.

and confirms what Avenue Q told us years ago....the internet is for:

Husband fired because wife performs in porn

2009-07-22T12:17:00.004-04:00

In Fort Myers Beach, FL, their City Manager, Scott Janke was just fired because his wife is a porn star known as Jazella Moore.

What?

What the hell does it matter? He isn't a porn star. His wife is not accused of having done anything illegal.

But

The council determined Janke's credibility and ability to do his job would be undermined when news of his wife's profession came to light.

I gotta say - this is some bull shit. Performing in porn is a legitimate career choice. Sure, I understand that it could affect your future career choices. But, those of your husband?

Granted, would have been a good idea for this gentleman to reveal his wife's profession before or shortly after he was hired. But, reactions like this don't lead to people feeling very safe about being out.

Our culture likes to put porn performers, particularly the women, in a special "dirty" box. A woman who performs in porn couldn't possibly be smart - or emotionally stable - or well, virtuous in any manner - right? In fact, the porn star is just and only that. She can't actually be a real, decent, human being. Because what kind of "good" woman could choose to let multiple men fuck her on camera. And heaven forbid that she enjoy it. She has to be some kind of deeply scary freak. But men who perform in porn with women? Well, they're just studs.

In addition to a general fear of overtly sexual women, there is something else going on here. What kind of man would "allow" his wife to fuck on film? Especially if he "lets" her fuck men? Isn't that what these folks are really saying? That a man who would marry a porn star is by nature not capable of leading? And that a man who's ok with his wife continuing to perform in porn is not a man who others could look up to?

Because a good man wouldn't marry such a woman. And if he did, it would be to rescue her from the horrors of a porn career. A good man, a man that is a good leader wouldn't stand by and support his wife as she continued to pursue her passion of performing in porn. A woman that believes:

by approaching sexual pleasure resolved of guilt and fear and with need distilled to shared, creative adventure, the paradox of the Madonna/Whore was broken and with that the power of ecstatic joy could triumph.

I don't know anything about Mr. Janke's job performance. But it seems pretty clear that his record is clean. He has the appropriate experience. The appropriate certifications. There are no public accusations of malfeasance. Simply a wife with a job. A job that apparently offends the town council's "good morals". This is sexism. And a blatant disapproval of overt sexuality

And that. Offends me.

If you agree, take a minute and tell the town council what you think. Their email addresses are below:
Larry Kiker, Mayor larry@fortmyersbeachfl.gov

Herb Acken, Vice Mayor herb@fortmyersbeachfl.gov

Bob Raymond, Councilman bob@fortmyersbeachfl.gov

Tom Babcock, Councilman tom@fortmyersbeachfl.gov

Jo List, Councilwoman jo@fortmyersbeachfl.gov

Why sometimes sex technique is just fluff

2009-07-21T12:37:00.003-04:00

A new article has been published in Canada - The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of ‘Great Sex’ (published in the latest Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality) - the following is based on articles about the article. I'm trying to get a copy of the real thing.

A researchers did a five year long study which included 64 adults from around the world. The majority of the participants were from the US. Of the participants, 25 were 60 or older. All of the them, regardless of age, believed that they had experienced "great sex". They were then asked to quantify the factors that they believed led to great sex.

Most of the participants felt that what lead to great sex, way more than technique or orgasm, was a feeling of connection and intimacy.

No big surprise. But, it seems that the blogosphere is widely shocked that it's not about - "move your tongue this way and all doors will be open to you!"

All too often we want a quick fix. An easy trick that we can do that can make sex, a deeply, delightfully complex affair into something closer to a Hot Pocket (microwave and go!). And this trick needs to work on each and every person, regardless of anatomy or circumstance.

Anyone can learn anatomy. Anyone can learn different techniques for sexual stimulation. We'll be happy to teach you. If the communication skills and the ability to create and participate in intimacy isn't present, The sex that results can be fun. Even intense. And technically phenomenal.

But for truely great sex to happen, there has to be vulnerability. Trust. Connection. Honesty. A sense of play. Getting to the place where we, as adults with baggage, can participate on that level takes work. Work that is more involved than learning a fun way to move your hand. Anyone can learn it. But it takes desire. Humility. And most of all, consistent practice. Like anything worth having, it's a journey for which there is no true end. I'm talking about any kind of sex - including masturbation. Sometimes the hardest person to vulnerable with is yourself. But it's where we all have to start. And finish.

Because sex is about more than just body parts. It's about our brains. Our hearts. Our souls.

Wheeeeee! The possibilities are literally endless!

Eight elements of great sex (from the Ottowa Citizen)
Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz research identified eight components that significantly contribute to excellent sex:
1. Being present, focused and embodied
According to the study, being fully and completely present during sexual experiences was the first and most frequently mentioned factor contributing to great sex. As one woman described, ‘You are not a person in a situation. You are it. You are the situation.’
‘It’s being fully alive,’ says Kleinplatz, ‘in one’s skin, engaged with the partner — emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually — in the moment.’
2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync
The report, printed Thursday in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, notes that ‘the depth of the connection between partners was one of the most critical elements of the experience regardless of duration of the relationship.’
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
Kleinplatz describes this as the foundation of a relationship in which optimal sexuality becomes a possibility. It involves deep mutual respect, caring, genuine acceptance and admiration. As Kleinplatz notes, ‘you can’t trust just anyone.’
4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
While marital counsellors are trained in teaching communications skills to clients, Kleinplatz describes the study’s participants as having ‘black belts’ in communications.
‘These weren’t people who learned all about the other sex’s genitalia and then just applied the technique,’ she says. ‘These were people who were so engaged in and with their partners’ bodies that they could read their partners’ responses, not only touching them, but feeling them.”
5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
‘This is pretty much the opposite of self-consciousness,’ says Kleinplatz. ‘It’s allowing oneself to be emotionally naked while being seen by a partner.’ One of the study’s subjects noted ‘I don’t know that I’m capable of having great sex anymore without caring about a partner.’
6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
Participants in the study often reported a sense of timelessness or the infinite during great sex. ‘There was often a moment of aliveness beyond anything they’d experienced before,’ says Kleinplatz. ‘Their experience often really was exalted, and (the subjects) would use language borrowed from religion to describe it, because there are no words in the vocabulary of sexology to describe it.’
7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
This, says Kleinplatz, is where participants describe sex as an adventure. She uses a line from The Who song Bargain: ‘I’m looking for a free ride to me. I’m looking for you.’
‘I’ve always thought it was one of the most erotic lines I’ve heard,’ she adds. ‘This is about being on a journey of self-discovery, with sex as the pathway.
‘And it’s also a lot of fun.’
8. Vulnerability and surrender
‘If authenticity is about what’s happening within and choosing to be emotionally naked,’ Kleinplatz explains, ‘vulnerability is more about the willingness to be seen naked. It’s an awareness that I’m letting you inside of me, penetrating one another’s souls.’

porning and driving

2009-07-21T12:08:00.002-04:00

um.

people. don't watch porn and drive.

did we really need to say that?

apparently. because a man in canada was arrested for just that. he was speeding. and watching porn. don't know if there was anything else going on with him. but really?

show some decorum people. please.

Pleasure - oh NOOOOOO!

2009-07-14T16:42:00.003-04:00

A few days ago the Centre for HIV and Sexual Health in Sheffield England (part of the National Health Service) released a pamphlet that reviews suggested ways for adults to speak to young people about sex. And about what things they should discuss.

This pamphlet takes a pleasure based perspective. It promotes masturbation as healthy and as a good way to explore one's own body. It encourages people to explore methods of sexual contact other than penetration. It links condoms to pleasure. It encourages discussing the clitoris (gasp!). And it states, unequivocally, that both consent and pleasure are expectations of sexual contact.

This is all good sense. But, since it actually acknowledges pleasure as an aspect of sexuality, these folks are getting a lot of heat.

Studies have shown this approach works. This philosophy is one of the reasons our store exists. Teaching kids (and for that matter adults) to respect and honor sex and to only engage in sexual activity in ways that are physically and emotionally pleasurable changes behavior. It decreases sexual activity, postpones first intercourse, increase the incidence of safer sex and decreases the incidence of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies.

Think about it - in high school, sexually active and only being sexual with another when it was safe, consensual and pleasurable? I bet most of us would have had less sex. Or waited to have sex a little bit later.

This is the kind of sex ed that actually works. This is what the world needs more of.

If you agree, send these folks an email and encourage them to keep up the good work. I'm sure they'll be bombarded from folks on the other side....

admin@chiv.nhs.uk

It's the oral sex!

2009-07-14T14:21:00.003-04:00

Sunday it was oral sex class.

I spent the day poking around the house, reviewing notes. And finally, at around 4. I determined that it would be wise to shower and put on something other than my PJs before teaching class. So I did.

And did not take Piper Sue to class. You see, last Tuesday, we had harness class at the store. Every Tuesday morning, I wake up, feed and walk the dogs, have breakfast, check my email, drink at least one latte, put Piper in the car and go to work. Which is what I did last Tuesday. Only to remember part way thru my seven minute drive to work that I was teaching that night. And I don't usually take Piper to class. It'll be fine, I thought.

Yeah. I was wrong.

Piper is good at the store precisely because she is friendly. And outgoing. And persistent. So she managed to spend a large part of the class showing the participants her toys. Licking the participants. Asking them to put their feet on her stomach (I don't know. she's always had a thing for that). And occasionally, very occasionally, resting on the couch. This would all be fine, but I was trying to show the participants MY toys. And how to use a harness. Finally I had to put her in the back. Where she proceeded to whine. She's spoiled and used to getting her own way. Which is how I like her. But not last Tuesday.

So neither Piper or Bell went to the store.

But I did. Freshly washed and rested. Then I ended up almost late. Because when I was walking down the street, I ran into a friend in the middle of a small crisis. Class can always wait a little bit for tears and a cigarette. By the time I got back to the store we had a line. And a frazzled Owen.

Mark from next door helped me rearrange the store while Owen dispensed with the line. But the line kept reappearing. The phone kept ringing.

In the end, we had to turn away about 10 people.

The class went well. For me anyway. It's always hard to tell with the participants. I've used surveys at the end of the class for feedback, but eventually I stopped. I found that folks mainly shot sunshine up my ass. Maybe I should try it again.

We cover both fellatio and cunnilingus in class. But we ran a bit long, so I'm thinking about dividing it up in the future. Might also help with the turning folks away thing.

Regardless, I got a great tip from one of the class members. We were talking about blow jobs and covering your teeth, when one participant pointed out that older folks can just take their teeth out and not worry about it! Fucking brilliant!!! One more benefit to sex as an older adult!

By the end of the class I was hot and sweaty. Exhausted. And pleased to see my couch. But I had fun.

Pride Day 2 - The Festival (or where every third lesbian has had a baby)

2009-06-30T14:39:00.002-04:00

Sunday was a beautiful day at Baltimore Pride.

I got up at a reasonable time, hit up the farmers market for veggies and milk. I swear, the fresh milk is soooo good. And no nasty packaging to recycle or throw away - just re-usable bottles.

Then home to change and off to the park. I love Druid Hill Park. It's one of the loveliest parks in Baltimore. After parking, I wandered over to the DITC booth, checked in with Niki and Denise and started passing out cards for the store.

A lot of folks were asking where our booth was - I think we may need to bring it back next year. It was good to see people. The festival is always so much more relaxed than the block party. People are largely sober, there's more space. And trees! Trees make everything nicer.

I kept running into women that I hadn't seen for a while and it felt like everyone had a new baby! It was really lovely to see beautiful children accompanied by glowing mothers (even the tired moms looked really happy). It was really nice to see women making a decision to parent and making it happen - however they chose to do it.

Choosing to be a parent outside of a traditional opposite sex marriage is a radical decision. Raising a child in the context of a loving same sex home - or more likely a same sex home that is wracked with the same drama and tensions of any home - means raising a kid, that from the moment of it's birth, knows that love is about caring, not about gender.

So I passed out cards, kissed new babies, hugged old friends, sat on the grass and ate a funnel cake and then dashed off to take S to the airport. Sweaty and content.

Pride - the block party

2009-06-23T23:07:00.005-04:00

Saturday morning, I started squinching my eyes at the sky and compulsively checking the weather. It was the day of the Baltimore Pride Block Party and, like every other day this month, it was raining. Not just raining. Pouring buckets. But, I was going to the block party. I would simply need to re-evaluate my outfit.

Originally, I had planned a fun lady liberty outfit with a Hitachi Magic Wand as torch. But, I wasn't taking any chances with ruining my display Hitachi. Or wearing a dress that would stick to me like saran wrap when wet.

After checking the weather a few more times and giving the sky a lot of cross eyed looks, I put on my favorite Dykes In The City dress, a pair of matching rain boots, wrapped my cards in a plastic bag and set off for the block party in my (surprise) jeep wrangler.

By the time I got there, the sun was out, the sky was blue and I was sweating in my boots. If I wasn't wearing plastic boots, I can guarantee you, it would have been pouring.

I trudged up the hill and over a few blocks to the party.

First I went and found Niki and the DITC booth. It was two o'clock. People were pouring in. And some were already drunk. The block party is a big drunk fest. It is absolutely not a family friendly environment (the festival on Sunday is very family friendly). Or a place that's safe for folks who don't like crowds. Or who don't feel safe being around drunks. Which may sound like I don't like it. But I love it. I especially love Lesbian Land.

Lesbian Land is an oasis at the Block Party. Directly down the alley from the DITC booth there is a parking lot full of lesbians, cars, beer pong (why? not sure), tents, grills, music. And lots of lesbians. And their friends. It's a gay tailgate party. And it's no where near as crowded as the main area.

I found my friends R1 and R2 (how on earth did we find people before text messages?). They were hooked up. In chairs under a tent. With a cooler full of beer. They promptly handed me one. I sat down and looked around. R1 offered to take some of the promo cards and pass them out. I sure as hell wasn't going to object. She darted off with the cards. R2 manned the grill. I drank my beer. And geared up to pass out cards.

Passing out cards and talking to strangers is not my favorite part of my job. It's fine once I'm doing it, but it takes some psyching up. Because, it involves talking to strangers. Strangers make me a little nervous. Especially when I'm walking up to them and shoving commercial propaganda in their face uninvited.

By the end of the evening I had (R1 and R2's help) passed out almost 2000 cards. No one bit me or growled at me. And then I got to hang out. Which meant hanging at the DITC booth with Niki and Denise, D's partner and sister, Niki's mom, and our friend Foxy. We saw people we hadn't seen in years. Wandered to the end of the street and found a dance tent. Danced. Laughed. Remembered when I sat there in front of City Cafe the year I was on crutches and my roommate had a camelback full of margaritas. The year that Foxy was flirting with that one girl with the hat on that corner by the alley. The year that we met Ducati Girl right there.

I was hot, sticky, tipsy and wearing rain boots. And I was surrounded by some of the people that I love the most in the world. People who have known me for years and love me anyway. And I was happy.

Fathers Day (or why this father's day didn't feel so good)

2009-06-19T18:17:00.005-04:00

Father's Day has never been a big deal in my family. The Hallmark Holidays-Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day were all more aknowledged than celebrated. Besides, Father's Day is always on a Sunday. My dad works on Sundays. He's a pastor.

But this Father's Day was different. For the first time, my dad and I aren't talking.

The silence has been my decision. Maybe I'm being too hard on my parents. But our relationship got to a point where it felt distructive and hurtful to include my parents in my life.

It all started with the Christmas Letter. Or maybe that's where it ended.

I'm from the mid west. In the mid west, we send Christmas letters. The letter is usually two typed pages that chronicle the activities and achievements of the family over the past year (on paper with snowflakes, glowing north stars, snowmen or manger scenes). Trouble is usually whitewashed (Brenda had cancer, but she went thru treatment and guess what?! She fell in love with her Oncology nurse. They are planning a wedding for next fall!) A very posed photo of the always happy family is often included. This letter is then stuffed inside the 50-300 Christmas cards the family will send out.

Last December I received the Christmas card and letter that my parents sent out. In the letter it said:

Jacquelyn owns a gift and book store in Baltimore that has won several awards.

That's it. No mention of my partner S or our new house. No mention of what I actually do. As far as we can tell from the Christmas letter, I own a Hallmark store.

The next paragraph was about about my ex-husband's kid. Which was good. My ex-husband (J) and I are still very close friends (we got divorced because I'm a dyke). He and his GF had a baby - who is freakin adorable. We'll call the baby Paul. Paul is being raised to consider my parents his grand parents, and I'm Aunt Jacq. Sure it's not a traditional relationship, but it works for us. Babies should get more ink in a Christmas letter than adults. But, by the end of the paragraph one could draw the conclusion that J had given birth to Paul all by himself (although they did clarify that I was not the mother - cause you know, i'm a straight girl who owns a Hallmark store that wanders back to Minnesota and gets knocked up by her ex husband - which frankly would make a good movie...maybe with Sandra Bullock or Renee Zelwigger?) No mention of J's GF who actually gave birth to their grand child. Or of Paul's two older brothers (the GF's from a previous relationship).

The paragraph had a footnote that said the following:

J recently graduated from law school and passed the NY and NJ bars! He is working at the ***** (very specific, glowing description) He will be taking the MN bar in January - prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated. And on and on.

So. My parents had lied about my job. Omitted my partner. Omitted important details about J's family - like the mother of his child - but they aren't married so I guess she doesn't count.

I have no need to be in the Christmas letter. It would have been fine if they had just left me out. Especially if they had called and said, "hey kid, we can't deal with the fallout from some of the conservative folks on our Christmas letter mailing list, so we are going to leave you and S out of the letter. We love you both." That's not what happened.

Although I've been out to my parents for more than a decade, my father has chosen to avoid the issue with his congregation. He feels that if the congregation knew that his kid was gay, they would write off anything that he says about including the GLBT community in the church. Because of his decision, I've been avoiding going home for years. The town my parents live in isn't that big, the church is large and the service is broadcast on a local radio station. Its hard to go anywhere without running into people that they know. And well, let's just say that a friend of mine in high school went to a motel with her boyfriend just outside of town. They were in the room for less than 15 minutes before her dad was knocking on the door. Word travels. Fast. I've been in positions in which I've had to lie or avoid the truth in order to not out my dad. It didn't feel good. So I stopped going home. And I told them why. They don't like it. When they aren't in town, they've been great about supporting me. They came to my wedding ceremony. My mom spent all day at the booth at Columbus Pride. They've been sweet to women I've dated. They say they're proud of me.

And then the Christmas letter happened. They don't send the letter to anyone in town.

The letter sent a clear message.

Lying (which includes omission) is absolutely the worst thing a person can do in my family. Nothing ever got me in as much trouble. Or created that deeply disappointed look on my dad's face.

For them, lying about me and my life was preferable to telling the truth. Even outside of the congregation.

I'm not straight. I work in sex. And I don't have kids.

The only conclusion I could draw was thatb my parents are ashamed of me, my job, my sexual orientation, my kid-lessness.

I cried a lot. S was hurt too. She had believed them when they told her she was part of the family.

I called my dad and read him the riot act (he wrote the letter). I explained why I was hurt. He told me that he didn't mean to hurt me and that he would talk to me about it later. I waited. Thru December, January, and into February. J (who never gets involved with me and my family) told my dad that he should talk to me about it. He didn't.

I thought and thought about it. And came to a place that felt ok.

I'm not ashamed of me. In fact, I'm pretty proud of most of me. And I'm definitely proud that I'm out and gay. The store - well, it's one of the best things I've done in my life.

By choosing to have my parents in my life, I was choosing to allow myself to be hurt, to let in deeply entrenched lies and shame. I could make a different decision.

So, last February, I did. I sent my parents an email (my parents and I are all passionate people, I was concerned that a phone call would get heated, I didn't want to be mis-understood). I explained that I love them very much and that I'm grateful for all of the ways that they have supported me in the past. But, that having people in my life who feel the need to lie about me is not ok. I asked them to not contact me until they were willing and able to tell the truth.

My dad wrote back a long email about why it was ok for him to lie. I didn't respond. Since then, they have tried to contact me a few times. Mostly, they have respected my request. I hear about how they are thru J. I miss them.

I am disappointed in them. I don't know what happened to the people who raised me. The people who believed in truth telling.

So Dad, happy father's day. I miss you. And I sincerely hope that after you retire next fall you find the courage to tell the truth about your kid. You see, i'm not something to be ashamed of. You and Mom did a pretty damn good job raising me. Thank you for that. I love you.

New info about HIV and porn - and a call to action.

2009-06-18T10:13:00.004-04:00

The LA County Department of Health has released new data about the 16 (now 18) "unreported cases of HIV". Apparently, they don't know if they were actually performers in the adult industry. They only know that the people were tested at AIM.

Mitchell said all previously unpublicized cases involved either a non-performer or an aspiring actor or actress who tested positive, then dropped out of the business.

She said the female actress who tested positive for HIV at their clinic earlier this month remains the only case detected in a working performer since 2004. At that time, a male porn star and three actresses with whom he had performed all tested HIV positive. An unrelated transsexual performer also tested HIV positive the same year. The cases shut down production in Southern California's multibillion-dollar porn industry for a month.

LA Times Article

Darren James (the performer who turned up positive in 2004) has spoken out about condom use in porn - and why he thinks that condoms are a must. After his diagnosis, he went through some very difficult times, including a suicide attempt.

AIM has asked that the industry not accept any copies of tests, only originals and has changed the database in hopes of reducing the possibility of people performing with out of date tests.

Frankly, although it's great to see AIM taking these steps, they aren't ultimately responsible. The producers are responsible. A copy of a test isn't good enough. It's easy to alter a copy. The fact that they need to inform folks that copies aren't acceptable concerns me greatly. What the hell? Performer's lives at stake.

The testing that AIM performs is a critical part of preventing the transmission of disease in the porn industry. And, frankly, the industry's self regulation has resulted in an impressively low rate of transmission. But it's not good enough.

Condoms must be mandatory.

The fact that condoms are not mandatory speaks volumes about how our culture thinks about people who work in the sex industry. Pornography is one of the biggest industries in the United States. Our culture has a voracious appetite for the product. But most are perfectly happy to watch condom free porn and not think once about the consequences to the performers. There is a general level of disrespect toward performers that just doesn't make sense to me. You wouldn't want someone you care about performing condom free. So why is it ok for someone we don't know? People who perform in porn are working adults. Just like you and me. And they deserve to work in conditions that are as safe as possible.

I've certainly heard the argument that porn with condoms doesn't sell - I don't believe it. I've never seen any data to back that up. I know that the clients in the stores in which I've worked (Sugar and Babeland) aren't the core of the porn market, but I have never, ever been asked for porn without condoms. I have (rarely) been asked for porn with condoms.

As consumers, if we got together, we could demand that the industry change their rules. After all, it's a business. What sells, what the consumer wants, shapes the product.

Anyone with me?

Marriage update (or Brides and brides, grooms and grooms, trans folk and DC and NY

2009-06-16T11:19:00.009-04:00

A couple in which one member is transgendered was recently married in NYC. And now the young couple is dealing with some major backlash. And tranny bashing. Check out the NY Post article. It's stunning how many times the author managed to call this young woman a man. Even though they clearly state that she identifies as female.

The city council in DC passed a bill that will allow the legal marriages of same sex folks that have been performed in other states to be recognized in DC.

And, although folks who believe that gay marriage shouldn't be recognized asked to bring it to a referendum, the Board of Elections and Ethics declined, stating:

The Referendum's proposers would, in contravention of the HRA, strip same-sex couples of the rights and responsibilities of marriage that they were afforded by virtue of entering into valid marriages elsewhere," the ruling states. "Because the Referendum would authorize discrimination prohibited by the HRA, it is not a proper subject for referendum, and may not be accepted by the Board."

Damn. I love it when someone does the right thing.

So, assuming nothing else happens, in early July same sex marriages that have been performed in:

Connecticut
Massachusets
Iowa
California (during the short time same sex marriage was legal)

will also be recognized by DC.

Soon to follow will be marriages performed in:

Vermont, same-sex marriages will begin on September 1, 2009.
Maine, same-sex marriages will begin on or around September 14, 2009, pending a possible people's veto.
New Hampshire, same-sex marriages will begin on January 1, 2010.

New York also recognizes same sex marriages performed in other states.

The NY Times recently published an article about how businesses in Connecticut are loving same sex weddings. Seriously, I've been saying it for years, Keith Olberman has said it. Lots of other people have said it. Same sex weddings, and (gasp) same sex divorces will be an economic stimulus package. Literally, over a billion dollars into the economy.

This discrimination is bullshit. I do believe that we will win. Eventually. But it can't be soon enough.

Ending marriage discrimination isn't going to be the end of the fight for equality for GLBT individuals. But it's an important step. There are a bajillion other ways in which discrimination continues.

And, although having marriage rights is critically important, in this fight the discrimination against all couples that choose not to marry and against relationships that are structured with more than two people has become even more clear.

In the long run, we will create a world which celebrates all of us.

HIV, Porn and risk

2009-06-12T19:22:00.006-04:00

This week, the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM) announced that an adult performer tested positive for HIV.

She was tested on June 4th, performed on June 5th and got a positive test result on June 6th. Her last test (negative) was on April 29th. The standard in the heterosexual part of the adult industry is to be tested every 30 days.

The LA Department of Health has released information citing a total of 22 cases of HIV among adult porn performers over the past five years.

Obviously, this has caused people to revisit the condom policy in adult films.

On the face of it, it seems simple. People can share disease when they have sex. If you work in a medical office, your work place is required to provide you with regular training on risk reduction and provide you with personal protective equipment. When I managed a health care clinic, we were required to wear gloves when performing activities that could expose us to body fluids, closed toe shoes at all times, and, if performing an activity in which we could be splashed, eye protection. Of course people who perform in porn should be required to wear condoms. Of course, it's a little more complicated.

Prior to 1998 performers provided negative HIV tests when they showed up for work. There was a man, named Marc Wallice who, after receiving a positive HIV test, chose to fake his test results and continue performing. He infected five women. As a result, the industry, lead by AIM introduced new policies.

They made an agreement that all testing would be done thru AIM. This made it significantly more difficult to fake test results. They also started using a different kind of HIV test, called a PCR-DNA test. Unlike the tests that are most commonly used, which can take up to six months from infection to produce a positive result, the PCR-DNA test can find a positive result as soon as 9-11 days after infection. Testing was required every 30 days. Performers were required to sign a blanket release to allow sharing of the test results. Test results were filed in a data base. Over the years, the data base developed and now, is accessible to the industry on the Internet (with appropriate confidentiality). In addition, people are tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea every 30 days, syphilis, genital exams and vaginal and anal pap smear are conducted every six months. New performers are encouraged to be tested for Hepatitis A, B and C and vaccinated for Hep A and B (there is no vaccine for Hep C)

Performers then choose if they want to use condoms.

In 2004 the industry shut down. Darren James, an industry performer, shot in Brazil, and returned to the states. He took an HIV test immediately after his return and continued to work. His next test came back positive. Within 24 hours, people with first and second generation exposures were on work quarantine. The industry shut down. At the end of the shut down, three women were identified as positive. One of the women had only been working in the industry for three months. One other performer also came up positive - her infection was not related to Darren James.

In the next three years, AIM identified four more people as HIV positive, none of them were infected in the work place. Each month, AIM tests 300-500 new performers. Between one to four are HIV positive and never make it to a set.

Of course, from all of the information that I can find, it seems that all of this applies only to the heterosexual part of the industry.

Nice, right?

But - all of this testing doesn't mean that condoms aren't a good idea. There's still time between a test and when someone shows up positive. And there are other diseases besides HIV.

Here's the reason that some women in straight porn don't want to use condoms. They are having vaginal or anal intercourse for prolonged periods of time And in those circumstances condoms can be irritating. Even non latex condoms - although those would be less irritating.

After the positive test results in 2004, some companies, including Vivid, started a condom mandatory policy. By 2007, Vivid had dropped the policy due to complaints from the talent. They are now condom optional. Currently, the only heterosexual company to require condom usage is Wicked. There are several gay companies that require condoms, including all ChiChi LaRue productions. But there is also a large barebacking (no condoms) portion of the gay industry. Which is concerning. HIV is most easily transmitted by receptive unprotected anal intercourse.

So - essentially, the vast majority of people in the industry are relying on regular testing to keep them safe. There are holes in the system. In this most recent case, the person who showed up positive worked with an out of date test. It's not clear why she was allowed to perform since her most recent test for which there were results was more than 30 days old.

The LA Health Department has announced several other positive test results - a total of 22 adult performers in the past five years. 10 of which are men who perform in the gay portion of the industry (which apparently doesn't use AIM).

Of course the question is - should the adult industry be regulated with laws instead of just the self-regulation they have been using? Or is what they are currently doing enough? The rates of transmission of HIV are extremely low. But clearly, it does happen.

There are problems with additional regulation. First, it will change how often some people are able to work. They will experience more regular wear and tear on their vaginas and asses with latex and poly condoms than with just skin on skin contact.

California law would need to be re-written. The easiest way to enforce a condom mandatory policy is by making the performers (most of whom are independent contractors) employees. This would move them into a category of law in which it is easier to enforce the use of personal protection equipment (like at a medical clinic). But, current law states that employers are not allowed to require an employee to take an HIV test. The existing regular testing is a critical part of keeping transmission low in the industry. Condoms fail. It would also introduce the question of using other latex barriers. Barriers like dental dams. I am sure the industry would protest that. Dental dams cover the pussy. And shots of the pussy are one of the mainstays of porn. Many directors won't even allow the Hitachi Magic Wand to be used because it covers too much of the pussy.

There is an element of danger anytime someone has sex. When we introduce money into the equation it changes things. There is an impetus on the side of the employer to provide a work place that is as safe as possible. Performers with big names have more choices about demanding condom usage. And even then, I know of cases in which people have been shamed or called out for asking to use a condom. I especially worry about the younger and newer performer. No one wants to seem like a kill joy. People want to appear that they are flexible team players. So that they are hired again. And can pay the rent. If condoms were a given, these more vulnerable performers would be protected.

As much as I empathize with the performers who are concerned about vaginal or rectal wear (for lack of a better word), I feel that it is the responsibility of the industry to take care of the most vulnerable. And the only way to do that is to require condoms and to change the number of days between tests from 30 to 15. Nothing will eliminate the possibility of the spread of HIV. But, we must make it as difficult as possible.

So, please, treat performers with the respect that is shown to people in all other industries. Some performers will complain. I saw what requiring gloves did to nurses who were used to palpating veins bare handed. But you know what? They adapted. And they are safer because of it.

The industry should make the move before they are required to by the state. And by industry, I mean the whole industry. Including the gay sector. Frankly, with the rising prevalence of HIV in the young gay community, gay bare backing videos are the equivalent of snuff films.

It's 2008. Condoms are a must. Even for professionals. Especially for professionals.

Sex toy store owner breaks the code.

2009-06-10T17:01:00.003-04:00

Ok - so, yes this is another post about David Carradine.

He apparently was a guy who liked bondage. Good for him. Bondage is fun.

And he patronized a store where he purchased bondage supplies. How do I know this? Well, because the store owner told TMZ. And then told XBIZ (a web site that is focused on the adult industry).

I'm pissed and really, really offended.

It is unconscionable to me that a person who sells sex toys would reveal information about what a customer purchased, or what that particular customer's interests or proclivities are to anyone. Except maybe, to another staff member. And then, only to provide the customer with better service. Or to get a question answered.

I realize that we are not legally therapists. We aren't bound by law to protect our customer's privacy. But ethically? It's critical to what we do.

Our culture is riddled with shame around sex and sexuality in our culture. For some folks, even walking through the door of a store like ours is an extremely scary thing. Hell, the first time I walked into a store like this, I turned bright red and spent about twenty minutes flipping thru the books before I could even look at the toys. And that wasn't that long ago.

Customers tell us things, reveal personal details, ask questions and dare to purchase items that they will then keep under ugly sweaters in the bottom drawer. Sure, some folks are really public about their sex lives, but more people choose to keep at least some details private. Our customers deserve to know that we will not use their lives or their choices as fodder for a tabloid website or even for interesting party conversation. They take a risk and share their lives with us. They trust us. And we absolutely must deserve that trust.

At Sugar, each staff member signs a confidentiality agreement which references the confidentiality section in our personnel manual (bet you didn't know we had one!).
This is what it says:
Confidentiality
All people who are part of Sugar are expected to maintain the confidentiality of the customers at all times. Customer information, including which products an individual purchased, what their requests or questions were, sexual practices, partners or fetishes, etc. must remain in the store. Sugar’s customers give Sugar a gift by choosing to share very personal information with our staff. We must respect that gift.

Violation of this policy is grounds for immediate termination.

And they understand that if it is broken, they will be immediately fired. I won't even tell my partner that a friend of her's was in the store without that person's express permission.

What kind of bondage gear someone bought? Seriously, that's a fucking sacred trust.

That said, if those of us who choose to engage in kink could find a way to be a little more out about it, maybe people wouldn't need to engage in bondage alone in hotel rooms. And end up dead.

But that needs to be the decision of the individual. Not the person who sold them the equipment.

BTW - i'm not linking to the article about the store because it names the store. And i sure as hell don't want to give them any additional publicity.

three stories of delightful, delectable fun

2009-06-09T14:13:00.003-04:00

so, last Friday, after getting a sale started at the store, Alex and I headed over to the lovely home of the incredible Mistress Max Rulz for a party to benefit the Woodhull Freedom Foundationn.

Mistress Max has a lovely home with three floors of play space. you know you're in good company when there is a spreader bar hanging from the ceiling on your way into the living room.

When we walked in Nina Hartley was already there. Ricci Levy, the ED of the foundation was working her magic. And Max's slaves were making sure that everything was running smoothly.

It's times like this that i think that i should have some slaves. Especially since part of the deal was that we were supposed to have books and DVDs for sale and I had forgotten to order them.

Last week was one of those weeks when the shit really hit the fan. My partner's father ended up in the hospital and then in a short term care setting - with the possibility of a nursing home looking more and more likely. Which is scary. Dealing with medicaid sucks. Our health care system is so slanted toward the wealthy it's obscene. S and I were trying to get stuff together for her to leave for a long business trip, support her parents and deal with the new tenants at the old house. Who didn't realize that they needed to turn on the electricity. Which they fixed. But it involved us spending a bunch of time dealing with it. Which is fine, but, well, the books didn't get ordered.

See aforementioned slaves. But, I think I'm just not the kind of person who'd be a good owner. I'd end up making the slave dinner and telling them to sit down and watch a movie. And as a white person with ancestors who actually non-consensually owned people - I think it's too loaded for me. 150 some odd years is not quite far enough away from that atrocity for me. But it's hot as shit when other people do it!

then i found out that in addition to the food (which i did remember) i was supposed to have brought plate, napkins, cups and soda. Brilliant.

So I apologized profusely. And a slave was sent to get more provisions.

Clearly, I'm an ass.

The good news is, Max and her staff covered my screw up with aplomb. And I'm very, very grateful.

People started to pour in. We were all standing around chatting about sex and politics. You know, everything your Emily Post says you shouldn't discuss at a party?

Things like this:

"Have you had your implants replaced yet? Aren't you supposed to do that every ten years or so?"

"No - they're going to be 20 years old this fall. I have sex with people younger than these things"

or

"the other week, someone used a glass dildo on me - and i love glass - but this time instead of in and out, they rotated it in like a spiral. it was amazing!"

or

"in some ways, we're in more danger now with liberals in the white house. the republicans act all sanctimonious about vice and porn and sex, but they all do it. anti-porn feminists - they're true believers."

And we were looking at Nina's ass. Because, seriously. How can you not? It's a legendary ass. and she was wearing a thong.

I appreciate people who know how to show off their best features. Of course she does have lovely eyes as well...

Carol Queen arrived. She is so sexy in a smart librarian kind of way. Which is really fucking sexy.

The auction started - Nina auctioned off the opportunity to spank her. And Carol auctioned off a private consultation. Two memberships to the Crucible went as well. Then the party began! Which i'm sure was fabulous. But Alex and I slipped out. Bound for bed and work the next day. Well, I was bound for bed. Alex is less boring than me, so she may have gone out. It was, after all, only 10:30. But I'll let her tell you about that...if there is anything to tell!

FINALLY! turn your phone into a sex toy

2009-06-09T14:02:00.003-04:00

So, a while ago, ohmybod - the company that brought you the vibrator that works with your iPhone, brought out a vibrator that hooks up to your cell phone. but all it did was vibrate when your cell phone rang. sure it had patterns of vibration, but well, it just didn't do it for me. a vibrator that would vibrate to the beat of your friend on the other end who was talking dirty - well that i could get into.

but now, there is an application, called Dildroid that you can put on your google phone that turns the phone itself into a vibrator. and it can be turned on by a text message. of course, i don't know anyone who has the google phone. and i'm sure as hell not giving up my iphone. but....

we're getting closer to something that will do good stuff.

flesbot has a fun review.

AIRSEX in DC!

2009-06-06T13:38:00.003-04:00

so the National Airsex Championships (regional division) is coming to DC at the Rock and Roll Hotel on June 10th

and they need competitors.

it’s a lot like Air Guitar, but instead of rocking out with an imaginary guitar, you’re making sweet and/or filthy love with an imaginary sex partner. You choose a clip of music, you show up in whatever sort of wardrobe you like, and you come up on stage and show everyone how you do it. Or how you wish you could do it. Or how you once had it done to you, and oh my god was that a bad idea and while it’s embarrassing to show that act to a room of strangers, you know that you need to do it now in order to make sure that no one else falls down the same rabbit hole you got stuck inside. Or, you know, just do it however you want. The only rules we have are the laws laid down by the state we’re in. You can’t get naked. All orgasms have to be simulated (or at least arguably so). Other than that, you’re free to do whatever it takes to impress the judges, the audience in the theater, and the world!

wanna do your thing live and on stage?

email chris@airsexworldchampionships.com