What 50 Shades Gets Wrong

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Why I love 50 Shades of Grey

The 50 Shades movie is coming out next week. Which if you work in the land of sex toys is what we call A BIG DEAL.

In rest of the world, is it a big deal? It looks like it. Folks are excited about seeing the movie. So excited in fact, that ticket pre-sales are record breaking (funny that Hollywood often says women can't drive ticket sales - this year's proving them wrong over and over).

There are plenty of valid things to criticize about the book (see our next blog). However, when us sex positive folks get our undies in a bunch about those issues, I think we miss the point.

50 Shades of Grey sold more than 100 million copies. Right up there with Harry Potter and Twilight. That’s 100 million, mostly women, buying, reading and talking about a book because it turns them on. Talking about it publically. Reading it on the subway and at the break table without shame. It caused folks to talk about female pleasure on morning TV. It reminded millions of women that sex is fun. And it turned up the heat in millions of bedrooms across the globe. 50 Shades of Grey brought people joy. And I’m grateful.

It also got people reading. I spoke with several women who told me that they hadn’t read a book since high school, but they read all three 50 Shades books and then proceeded to read other erotic fiction novels. Anything that gets people reading is good by me.

Part of what I think brought non-readers into 50 Shades is it’s accessible reading level. When I worked in public health I was taught that any reading material we published should be at a 6^th grade reading level or below. Why? Because we wanted the information to be accessible to everyone. And there are many people who are most comfortable reading around that level.

Much of our erotica is written at a 12^th grade or higher reading level. Which is great for people like me who’ve been reading incessantly since they were four years old, have a college degree and get excited when they find unfamiliar words. But for the vast majority of people, complex sentences and big words are a turn off. Or worse, a cue that this thing doesn’t welcome them. Erotica is fun. In some cases erotica can even be life changing. People of all reading levels deserve to have access to it. 50 Shades met a need. A need I hope erotica writers continues to meet.

Because of this book, there was a nation wide shortage of kegel balls. If those folks use them, they're having better orgasms and healthier PC muscles. People came into our store glowing and excited and saying, “my spouse and I haven’t had sex like this in years”. Men who hadn’t read much of the book walked in the door with lists and sparkles in their eyes. 50 Shades ignited passion in places where passion was on a break. That is a very, very powerful gift.

So, thank you Ms James. I think you’ve made this world a better place. I’m looking forward to seeing the movie. May it spark as much steamy joy.

Next - what's wrong with 50 Shades.

We're Looking For a Stellar Team Member!

We are looking for one or two folks to work with Sugar as Lead Sex Educators. A Lead Sex Educator will provide support to the other Sex Educators and be the daily onsite person to resolve customer concerns and ensure that all of our customers receive stellar customer service and education. In addition, this position will work with purchasing and receiving, merchandising and coordinating staffing for events. This position will be 15+ hours a week and will require working both weekdays and weekends.

If you are interested, please review the below job description and submit a cover letter (explaining both why you want to work and Sugar and how your past experience is relevant) and a resume to jacq@sugartheshop.com by Monday, December 15th.

Look over the required skills - do you meet the list?

No calls please - email only.

Sugar is committed to a diverse work force and welcomes applications from people of all ethnicities, sexual orientations and genders.
 

We're looking forward to meeting you!

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Lead Sex Educator

Job Description

The Lead Sex Educator (LSE) is responsible for excelling as a Sex Educator, supporting other Sex Educators in their positions and supporting the Manager in daily operations, purchasing, merchandising and/or event coordination. The LSE works as part of the team to provide customers with the highest level of customer service and to ensure that the mission of Sugar is consistently at the forefront of the customer’s experience

Daily functions include performing all duties of the Sex Educator position in addition to LSE functions.

Skills and Requirements:

-       A passion for Sugar’s mission

-       Experience in retail sales, customer service, reproductive health care or education

-       Computer literacy

-       Excellent sales and customer service skills

-       Ability to think strategically and use systems based thinking

-       Able to work evenings and weekends

-       Able to lift up to 50 lbs

-       Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities

-       Cultural competency with diverse communities

-       Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues

-       Commitment to a team environment

-       A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred skills:

-       Previous experience with Point of Sale systems

Responsibilities

-       Perform all Sex Educator responsibilities

-       Merchandising

o   Work with the Manager to develop in store visual promotions plan in concert with overall store marketing plan

o   Update and change displays in store at least monthly

o   Work with manager to continually refine and improve store appearance.

-       Purchasing

o   Spot check inventory levels weekly by department (each department checked at least monthly)

o   Assist manager with purchasing and receiving

-       Education

o   Assist manager with staff training and coaching

o   Assist manager with scheduling and staffing public workshops

-       Research and suggest new products to manager

-       Act as point person and problem solver when manager is unavailable.

-       Other duties as assigned

15-20  hours a week

Includes all benefits and responsibilities of Sex Educator position

Sugar will provide the Lead Sex Educator with:

$13 an hour – eligible for a $.25 increase after two successful months of employment

A commitment to a systems oriented work place.

A work place that is respectful and supportive.

Mission

Sugar is a lesbian owned, multi-gender operated, for profit, mission driven sex toy store.  By providing education and toys in a shame free, sex positive, fun environment we help people of all genders and orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion. 

Vision

A world in which healthy sexuality is respected and celebrated in all of its diversity.

Values

Sugar believes that sex between consenting adults is sacred, powerful and fun and should be celebrated and honored.  By providing quality education and toys in a sex positive, fun atmosphere, we will help foster healthy sexuality.  In order to provide our customers with impeccable customer service we strive to create a work environment that is healthy and supportive of each and every member of the Sugar team.  Sugar also works to exist in the environment in a way that is sustainable and responsible.

*****
 
Sugar provides equal employment opportunities (EEO) to all employees and applicants for employment without regard to race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, disability, genetic information, marital status, amnesty, or status as a covered veteran in accordance with applicable federal, state and local laws. Sugar complies with applicable state and local laws governing non-discrimination in employment in every location in which the company has facilities. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including, but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, compensation, and training.
Sugar expressly prohibits any form of unlawful employee harassment based on race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, genetic information, disability, or veteran status. Improper interference with the ability of Sugar employees to perform their expected job duties is absolutely not tolerated.

We're looking for a new team member!

We're bringing in a new Sex Educator (the lovely folks who work the floor and provide education and customer service for our amazing customers)!

The right person for this position will be available to work 10-30 hours a week and must be available weekends.

Please submit a cover letter and resume to jacq@sugartheshop.com by Friday, October 31st at 5 pm. After applications are reviewed, several folks will be selected for interviews

In the cover letter include the ways in which your experience is relevant to the position and why you want to work at Sugar. Although in many cases, our ideal candidate has previous sex education experience, we're willing to teach the right person. Tell us why you're right for the job! Look over the required skills - do you meet the list?

No calls please - email only.

Sugar is committed to a diverse work force and welcomes applications from people of all ethnicities, sexual orientations and genders.

We're looking forward to meeting you!

Sex Educator

The Sex Educator is responsible for answering customers’ questions, using active listening skills to determine the customer’s concerns and needs, providing customers with the information they require to make the purchases that are best for them and/or providing customers with referrals to other community organizations, stores or healthcare providers if Sugar is not able to meet their needs.  In addition, SEs process sales in the POS system, stock the store and maintain information in the Inventory Control system, ensure that the store is clean and tidy at all times, fulfillment of customer orders for shipping and perform other duties as assigned.  These duties may include:  store decoration, workshop instruction and/or special events.

Required skills:

-       A passion for Sugar’s mission

-       Computer literacy

-       Excellent customer service

-       Able to accurately work with money

-       Able to lift 50 pounds

-       Able to work evenings and weekends

-       Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities

-       Cultural competency with diverse communities

-       Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues

-       Commitment to a team environment

-       A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred:

Previous experience in sexuality education, counseling and/or retail.

Sugar will provide Sex Educators with:

$11.50 an hour – eligible for increase after successful completion

A commitment to a systems oriented work place.

A work place that is respectful and supportive.

Mission

Sugar is a lesbian owned, multi-gender operated, for profit, mission driven sex toy store.  By providing education and toys in a shame free, sex positive, fun environment we help people of all genders and orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion. 

Vision

A world in which healthy sexuality is respected and celebrated in all of its diversity.

Values

Sugar believes that sex between consenting adults is sacred, powerful and fun and should be celebrated and honored.  By providing quality education and toys in a sex positive, fun atmosphere, we will help foster healthy sexuality.  In order to provide our customers with impeccable customer service we strive to create a work environment that is healthy and supportive of each and every member of the Sugar team.  Sugar also works to exist in the environment in a way that is sustainable and responsible.

Sugar provides equal employment opportunities (EEO) to all employees and applicants for employment without regard to race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, disability, genetic information, marital status, amnesty, or status as a covered veteran in accordance with applicable federal, state and local laws. Sugar complies with applicable state and local laws governing non-discrimination in employment in every location in which the company has facilities. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including, but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, compensation, and training.
Sugar expressly prohibits any form of unlawful employee harassment based on race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, genetic information, disability, or veteran status. Improper interference with the ability of Sugar employees to perform their expected job duties is absolutely not tolerated.

Stop the violence

We’ve got this domestic violence thing mostly wrong.

Physical or emotional violence toward an intimate partner is never acceptable. Violence is especially unacceptable in the context of a romantic relationship because of the vulnerability, interdependence and love present within intimate relationships. It is a deep, deep betrayal. One for which there should be significant consequences. We’ve got the consequences part down - some of the time. It helps if the abuse is captured on tape and/or the victim is an “acceptable” victim.

We’ve got most of the rest of it wrong.

Treating the survivor like a child

When abuse happens in an adult relationship the only person who gets to decide what choices the survivor makes is the survivor. If you don’t like their choices, you can shut the fuck up. Unless you live in that relationship, you don’t know what is going into the survivor’s decision making process. A key part of abuse is control. When you try and control the survivor’s choices, you abuse the survivor all over again.

There is no “type of person” abuse happens to. It can happen to anyone. It can happen to you, it can happen to me, it can happen to your child. Even your son. No matter how old he is, how big or how straight. People of all genders and orientations receive abuse. People of all genders and orientations dish it out.

Stop joking, concern trolling or making fun of people who stay in abusive relationships. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. That friend you’re talking to may need your help one day. Don’t make it harder for them to ask.

We need to approach survivors with compassion and respect for their decision making abilities. If they are staying in a relationship that is abusive, they have reasons. In some cases these reasons are related to finances, destroyed self image, children, religion, a hope that things will get better, denial or love. Frequently, it’s multiple reasons. If we truly want to support survivors we must never, ever imply that someone who is abused is less than, weak or stupid. They get plenty of that at home. We need to make it as easy as possible for them to ask for help and support. We need to honor the strength in their survival. Living through emotional and/or physical abuse is an act of courage. And asking for help, saying out loud that someone you love is hurting you, is one of the hardest things in the world.

Turning the abuser into a super villain

Most people who have engaged in abusive behaviors are not monsters. They are flawed humans. They are people deeply in need of help, healing and therapy. They should experience consequences for their action, but they should not be ostracized. Isolating an abuser, or worse both the abuser and the survivor only creates an environment rife with the possibility of continued abuse.

It’s easy to vilify someone who has committed abuse. It’s comfortable. It makes it seem like abuse can’t happen to you. Or that you would never be the kind of person who’d abuse another. Hopefully you aren’t. But I guarantee that you know someone who has. You may care deeply about this person. They may be deserving of your love and compassion. They also may have committed the crime of hitting someone in anger or intentionally belittling someone they love. Abuse happens in real life. With real people. Sometimes good people do horrible things.

Our current conversations about abuse don’t acknowledge the humanity of the abuser. We say, “a real man doesn’t hit a woman”. We throw them out with the rest of the trash. So, what is someone who’s abusing their partner supposed to do if they actually want to stop? How are they supposed to ask for help when the social cost is so high?

Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens in context. We foster a culture that allows this abuse to happen. If it weren’t a cultural as well as in individual problem, it wouldn’t be so pervasive, 1 in 4 women wouldn’t have experienced abuse. Each and every one of us is a part of the problem. Each of us can be part of the solution.

Over genderizing intimate violence.

Domestic violence is absolutely disproportionately directed at women by men. A part of addressing that kind of violence lies in addressing fucked up patriarchal assumptions about men owning women, how men should express emotions, the acceptability of male violence and the commodification of women’s bodies. However, abuse is about more than that. It’s about wounded people making terrible choices that hurt, maim, even kill people they supposedly love. Intimate violence occurs in same sex relationships at similar rates as it does in opposite sex relationships.[1] Sometimes in opposite sex relationships the woman is the perpetrator. According to the National Coalition on Domestic Violence 1 in 14 men have survived domestic violence – that’s 835,000 men each year.[2] Men, straight, gay or bi have nowhere to go if they need to flee a violent relationship. The stigma for male survivors is huge. Services and shelters for men are almost completely non-existent. The same is also true for trans or gender queer people. Intimate partner violence is a result of gender oppression, a cultural understanding that some level of violence is somehow acceptable, lack of accountability for abusers, untreated mental illness and/or addiction and insufficient education on appropriate relationship & communication skills.  

Intimate violence only affects the people in the relationship

Violence such as domestic violence and sexual assault have wide ripple affects in both families and communities. We saw that yesterday. How many of you are angry or disappointed in Ray Rice? I am. When he implied it was a mutual combat situation in which he over reacted, I chose to believe him. It wasn’t. When he said that he and his wife were seeking counseling and working on their issues, I believed him. I’ve seen relationships with a history of violence heal from that violence. I hope deeply that the Rice family is able to find healing. In the mean time, thousands of fans are also angry and hurt. Monday night a family member of mine who’s 11 years old was crying when he found out what happened. He felt betrayed. This is what happens on a smaller scale in communities. People lose friends and family. People lose jobs (both abusers and survivors). Friends, family, children and co-workers feel hurt and betrayed. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It’s not ok.

It’s not black and white

Domestic violence happens on a continuum. Have you ever been so mad you slammed a door? Or threw something? Or said something intentionally hurtful to your partner? Then you, like many people, have been on that continuum. Culturally, we have to recognize even these gateway behaviors as unacceptable. The more we accept them, the easier it is to keep stumbling down that path to violence. It can start with a door slam and end in a death. Each step down that path makes the next one easier. It’s never ok to hit your partner. It’s also not ok to throw the mail at them.

Domestic violence is layered and vicious. It is born from pain and a desperate grab for power and control. It is utterly unacceptable. So how do we stop it?

·      We let people know it’s not acceptable.

·      We acknowledge that in intimate relationships, rage can happen.

·      We provide people with the tools to prevent violence resulting from rage.

·      We teach people that relationships are about supporting each other and never, ever about controlling each other.

·      When people fail, we to call them on with severe compassion, consequences and help.

·      We start talking about anger and appropriate responses when our kids are toddlers.

·      We model appropriate behavior to our kids and do this on every level, with our partners, with strangers in the grocery store, even in the car at other drivers. When we fail, we explain that what we did was wrong, why and demonstrate making amends.

·      We stop harassing women on the street and denigrating women and femininity with our words.

·      We respect each other’s body autonomy.

·      We never, ever demean a survivor.

·      And, when someone has fallen, when they have been violent to a partner, if they have had the strength to follow through on taking responsibility, making amends, seeking therapy and changing their behavior, we don’t throw them away, we provide them with a path to redemption. We allow them to earn back our trust and respect. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s motivation for hard, deep and painful work of healing.

Consequences are important. But we need to start with prevention and policies that focus on the survivor’s needs We need to stop violence it before it starts. We can stop this. So let’s get busy.

If you or someone you love is currently being affected by domestic violence, please reach out. You are not alone. RAINN, the domestic abuse hotline for men and women (888.7HOTLINE) or the National Domestic Abuse hotline (tel:1-800-799-7233) can provide you with local resources and support. If you feel you are at risk of abusing someone or are currently in a relationship in which you are the abuser, The House of Ruth in Baltimore has a program for abusers (410) 889-7884.

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[1] Pulled 9/9/14 http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_faqs_so-a.pdf

[2] pulled 9/9/14 http://www.ncadv.org/files/MaleVictims.pdf

Sugar is hiring!

We're bringing in a new Sex Educator!

The right person for this position will be available to work Saturdays 11-5 pm and some weekdays.

Please submit a cover letter and resume to jacq@sugartheshop.com by Monday, June 23rd at Noon.

In the cover letter include the ways in which your experience is relevant to the position.

No calls please - email only.

We're looking forward to meeting you!

Sex Educator

The Sex Educator is responsible for answering customers’ questions, using active listening skills to determine the customer’s concerns and needs, providing customers with the information they require to make the purchases that are best for them and/or providing customers with referrals to other community organizations, stores or healthcare providers if Sugar is not able to meet their needs.  In addition, SEs process sales in the POS system, stock the store and maintain information in the Inventory Control system, ensure that the store is clean and tidy at all times, fulfillment of customer orders for shipping and perform other duties as assigned.  These duties may include:  store decoration, workshop instruction and/or special events.

Required skills:

-       A passion for Sugar’s mission

-       Computer literacy

-       Excellent customer service

-       Able to accurately work with money

-       Able to lift 50 pounds

-       Able to work evenings and weekends

-       Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities

-       Cultural competency with diverse communities

-       Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues

-       Commitment to a team environment

-       A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred:

Previous experience in sexuality education, counseling and/or retail.

Sugar will provide Sex Educators with:

$11.50 an hour – eligible for $00.50 increase after two successful months

A commitment to a systems oriented work place.

A work place that is respectful and supportive.

Mission

Sugar is a lesbian owned, multi-gender operated, for profit, mission driven sex toy store.  By providing education and toys in a shame free, sex positive, fun environment we help people of all genders and orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion. 

Vision

A world in which healthy sexuality is respected and celebrated in all of its diversity.

Values

Sugar believes that sex between consenting adults is sacred, powerful and fun and should be celebrated and honored.  By providing quality education and toys in a sex positive, fun atmosphere, we will help foster healthy sexuality.  In order to provide our customers with impeccable customer service we strive to create a work environment that is healthy and supportive of each and every member of the Sugar team.  Sugar also works to exist in the environment in a way that is sustainable and responsible.

Sugar provides equal employment opportunities (EEO) to all employees and applicants for employment without regard to race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, disability, genetic information, marital status, amnesty, or status as a covered veteran in accordance with applicable federal, state and local laws. Sugar complies with applicable state and local laws governing non-discrimination in employment in every location in which the company has facilities. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including, but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, compensation, and training.
Sugar expressly prohibits any form of unlawful employee harassment based on race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, genetic information, disability, or veteran status. Improper interference with the ability of Sugar employees to perform their expected job duties is absolutely not tolerated.

Sugar is growing and we're looking for a new Sex Educator!

We're bringing in a new Sex Educator!

The right person for this position will be available to work Saturdays 11-5 pm and some weekdays.

Please submit a cover letter and resume to jacq@sugartheshop.com by Monday, June 23rd at Noon.

In the cover letter include the ways in which your experience is relevant to the position.

No calls please - email only.

We're looking forward to meeting you!

Sex Educator

The Sex Educator is responsible for answering customers’ questions, using active listening skills to determine the customer’s concerns and needs, providing customers with the information they require to make the purchases that are best for them and/or providing customers with referrals to other community organizations, stores or healthcare providers if Sugar is not able to meet their needs.  In addition, SEs process sales in the POS system, stock the store and maintain information in the Inventory Control system, ensure that the store is clean and tidy at all times, fulfillment of customer orders for shipping and perform other duties as assigned.  These duties may include:  store decoration, workshop instruction and/or special events.

Required skills:

-       A passion for Sugar’s mission

-       Computer literacy

-       Excellent customer service

-       Able to accurately work with money

-       Able to lift 50 pounds

-       Able to work evenings and weekends

-       Comfort with and acceptance of diverse sexualities

-       Cultural competency with diverse communities

-       Knowledge and understanding of queer and gender issues

-       Commitment to a team environment

-       A mind that is open to new things and ways of solving problems

Preferred:

Previous experience in sexuality education, counseling and/or retail.

Sugar will provide Sex Educators with:

$11.50 an hour – eligible for $00.50 increase after two successful months

A commitment to a systems oriented work place.

A work place that is respectful and supportive.

Mission

Sugar is a lesbian owned, multi-gender operated, for profit, mission driven sex toy store.  By providing education and toys in a shame free, sex positive, fun environment we help people of all genders and orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion. 

Vision

A world in which healthy sexuality is respected and celebrated in all of its diversity.

Values

Sugar believes that sex between consenting adults is sacred, powerful and fun and should be celebrated and honored.  By providing quality education and toys in a sex positive, fun atmosphere, we will help foster healthy sexuality.  In order to provide our customers with impeccable customer service we strive to create a work environment that is healthy and supportive of each and every member of the Sugar team.  Sugar also works to exist in the environment in a way that is sustainable and responsible.

Sugar provides equal employment opportunities (EEO) to all employees and applicants for employment without regard to race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, disability, genetic information, marital status, amnesty, or status as a covered veteran in accordance with applicable federal, state and local laws. Sugar complies with applicable state and local laws governing non-discrimination in employment in every location in which the company has facilities. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including, but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, compensation, and training.
Sugar expressly prohibits any form of unlawful employee harassment based on race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, national origin, age, genetic information, disability, or veteran status. Improper interference with the ability of Sugar employees to perform their expected job duties is absolutely not tolerated.